Boy, this stuff is disgusting.

Have you ever wished for a refreshing soda that tasted like that pink amoxicillin you had to keep in the fridge?  Well you’re in luck!

I don’t know the science behind it, but it seems whenever a diet soda specifies the number of calories it has in its name, it tastes better.

Pepsi One was better than Diet Pepsi.  Coke Zero tastes better than Diet Coke.  Dr. Pepper Ten tastes better than Diet Dr. Pepper.

Unfortunately, Dr. Pepper 10 has one of the worst ad campaigns in recent memory.  Their “It’s not for women” seems to arbitrarily focus on men, for no apparent reason.  Marketing like this can be taken anywhere from a silly throwback to boys versus girls of childhood to flat out misogyny.  I’d find it more offensive if it weren’t so absolutely stupid.

I assume this has something to do with attempting to shake the stigma that men are too ashamed to drink diet sodas – something that probably hasn’t been true for decades (if it ever was).  Even if they wanted to pursue this line of thinking, they didn’t need to follow the questionable path laid out by Axe. 

Since the target market for a campaign like this is obviously stupid people, there are myriad ways of getting their attention that don’t involve a bad campaign like this.  “Hey you know when you’re at the bar with your bros slamming Jager Bombs and Flaming Dr. Peppers?  Look on the label right above this!  It says Dr. Pepper!  Buy this!” would be more effective.

Hopefully, Dr. Pepper doesn’t continue down this slippery slope of advertising.  We don’t need to have the introduction of Dr. Pepper 5, with it’s catchy “It’s only for the gays!” slogan.  Seriously, though, Dr. Pepper – this is a really stupid ad campaign.  You’ve always been one of the coolest sodas – you’re too good for this.

Dr. Pepper seems to be throwing its budget in only two directions: attracting the Bro demographic, and fans of The League.  Which is worrisome, since I like The League.  Although I can never tell if I find their clumsy product placement funny or just sad.

All this would be a moot point if Dr. Pepper 10 wasn’t so good.  It is a significant improvement.  I can’t be bothered with the specifics, but basically the concept is just using a little sugar / fake sugar  is all you need to cover up that “diet” taste.  This is a much better calorie balance than things like Pepsi Next, which involve a much more significant calorie commitment.

For the longest time, I assumed Dr. Pepper was made by Coca-Cola.  This long-standing theory is solely due to the fact that they were usually on sale at the same time.  At almost every supermarket I’ve ever been to, it’s the same schedule: Pepsi on sale one week, Coke on sale the next – repeat.  Dr. Pepper was on sale with Coke, so I figured they were all part of the same team.

But apparently, Dr. Pepper is part of the Cadburry Schweppes family, and is just distributed by Coca Cola sometimes.  Or something like that, anyway.  Point being, Dr. Pepper being part of its own family is the reason for the seemingly random assortment of new Ten sodas.

The new lineup of Tens consists of Dr. Pepper, Sunkist Orange, 7-Up, A&W Root Beer, and Canada Dry Ginger Ale.  I have also read that RC Cola will be part of this, but I have yet to see this in stores.

I question some of the logic of this roll out, mostly because these sodas seem too small to need a second diet option.  Dr. Pepper itself is pretty big, so I get that.  But are there enough people drinking Diet Sunkist who need an alternative? 

Those decisions, for some reason, were left up to people who study the market intensely and get paid to decide these things, not me.  So they went with, “Yes.”

Speaking of Sunkist, let’s start with that.

Based on all five of the labels, it seems that the theme of the Ten line is “grey”.  All of the labels are either entirely grey, or have it heavily integrated into the design.  I don’t know if there’s a deeper “this is the shade of grey between diet and sugared soda” thing going on.  If that wasn’t intended, then I am taking credit for it!

Even though a “grey” theme sounds at best boring and at worst depressing, it actually works quite well.  Maybe we can call it “silver”, instead.  That sounds less sad.

Sunkist Ten’s flavor is a nice improvement.  It has a good “orange Popsicle” flavor to it.  And the hint of high fructose corn syrup (yum!) is just enough to hide almost all of the diet aftertaste.

The flavor is really good, the one downfall is the soda has an odd consistency.  There is definitely carbonation, but there’s also this thick, syrupy wave that comes along with it.  Somehow it feels like it is half carbonated soda and half syrup, just not mixed together.  It has a strange feeling on the roof of your mouth.

I finished the soda before it got flat, but I have a feeling this could get really peculiar to drink once it loses what carbonation it starts with.

Strange consistency aside, the flavor is there.  I don’t think it’s as big a flavor improvement as Dr. Pepper 10 is over Diet Dr. Pepper, but it could carve out its own place.

Before moving off the subject of fruit sodas – can a major soda company please put a diet grape soda into wide distribution?  Thanks.

Like when I reviewed Pepsi Next, I’m not going to address if there is a sustainable audience for the soda, I’m just going to discuss the taste.  Otherwise, I’d really question whether a ginger ale needs another format.  But no – I will not ask that!

I go into any ginger ale with a strong prejudice.  This is because, 95% of the time, the only reason I drink it is if I have a stomach virus.  So on the odd occasion where I do have it, it reminds me of having a stomach virus.  That’s not exactly one of those “remember all the great times you had with our product” moments that companies strive for.

It could be because I don’t drink it too often, but I don’t remember ginger ale having such a bite.  It could be due to the “real ginger” Canada Dry says they use.  Of course, “ginger” isn’t specified in the ingredients – it falls under “natural flavors”. 

I’ve never understood how “natural flavors” is allowed to suffice in the ingredients list.  It seems like the next step is just to specify soda’s ingredients as, “Carbonated Water, other stuff, miscellaneous, and so on.”  Or, for even less nutritious foods, simply have the ingredients list broken out as – ;)

At this point, I will assume Canada Dry’s bite is due to ginger.  It gives it almost a tonic water flavor – where it’s sweet, but has something different to offset the sweetness.  Honestly, the ginger bite put me off at first; it tasted odd to me.  But after a few sips, I really grew to appreciate it.

I don’t think I have actually had regular 7-Up since I was about seven years old.  I’ve had the diet variety since then, although not too often.  Lemon-lime sodas are never very interesting to me.  However, I will forever be a fan of 7-Up, for them sending me a Diet 7-Up Taste Test Kit a while back.  That is still one of the coolest things I’ve ever gotten in the mail.  I don’t know if that is sad or not. 

Due to the inherent boringness of lemon-lime sodas, I was very surprised to find out that I really liked 7-Up Ten.  It doesn’t break any new ground in the world of limon-ness, but it does its job well.  Out of all four of the new Tens, this may have hid the diet taste the best.

The final member of the class of Ten is A&W.  A&W has always been my favorite of the major root beers.  Barq’s can piss off with its “bite”.  And Mug is pointless.

A&W Ten does upholds the good name of A&W.  It seems to have less of that weird syrup and carbonation not getting along texture.  The taste itself is fantastic.  I atrocious at describing tastes, because usually my thought process is, “… it’s good.”  But this is one of those rare instances where I can notice a pretty significant flavor profile.

A&W Ten has all the root beer hit up front, but right after swallowing you get a good wave of vanilla on the back of your tongue.  A&W insists this is “Aged Vanilla”, but I can’t say for sure.  And any jokes that could be made about that veer into a creepy direction really fast, so I will just move right along.

Some minor missteps with the texture aside, the new Ten line is a solid addition to the world of sodas.  Will they all be successful?  Probably not.  But they are definitely good, so I think at least a couple of these varieties will find a loyal audience.

Then again, I was a loyal fan of Pepsi One, and they took that away from me, so what do I know?

In an effort to keep you not-exactly up to date on all some things in the world of food and beverage, we will dive into a product line introduced nearly six months ago.

There is something of a defense as to why I waited so long to review the Pepsi Next line.  This is mostly the fact that my excitement level over this line was somewhere in the “shoulder shrug” level of anticipation.  There was also more than a little confusion as why why Pepsi was so excited about this concept since, well, they’ve already done it.

I’m sure there are some ingredient differences between Pepsi Next and Pepsi Edge, but the overall concept is the same – “Do you love compromises?  Then you’ll love this reduced-calorie cola!”  I remember thinking Pepsi Edge was pretty good, but overall pointless.  Most people are either willing to ingest calories to drink a sweetened soda, or are willing to ingest chemicals and a weird taste to ingest no calories with their soda.  The middle ground group has got to be pretty small.

Apparently there’s enough of an audience where Pepsi was willing to try it again.

As a name, I’m not a big fan of “Pepsi Next”.  The “Next” what?  The next popular soda?  No.  The next trend in cola?  No.  The next evolution in diet soda?  No.  The next soda to be added to the ever-growing list of failed sodas on Pepsi’s Wikipedia page?  Almost certainly.

To their credit, Pepsi took something of a risk with their debut flavors.  We got the standard plain cola, but then they also came out with a flavor that is hit or miss with a lot of people, and a flavor that is a pretty left field choice.  Since that’s about as far as I go with suspense and anticipation, let’s get to the breakdown!

Aesthetically speaking, the can design is… what’s the most poetic way of saying this… pretty bad.  I’ve always hated Pepsi’s swoosh logo redesign, and them adding a big swoosh next to it doesn’t help matters.  Maybe the “Next” symbolizes the next trend in packaging design, which is forcing your customers to tilt their head sideways to see the name of the product.  Progress!

While all of these flavors are almost guaranteed to die an ignominious death, the one that probably has the best chance at survival is Plain.  It’s not actually called “Plain”, but you knew exactly which one I meant when I said that, so that title works for it.

Unfortunately, the presence of an apple cider glass brings back memories of Pepsi Holiday Spice, a flavor we are unlikely to ever see again.  Not that I loved Holiday Spice, I just appreciated the truly “going for it” aspect of that flavor.

Plain’s flavor is easy to sum up: it tastes almost exactly like Pepsi.  Which is great – the product did what it was intended to do.   But just like with Pepsi Edge, I keep coming back to the near-redundancy of it.  There is room for multiple variations of diet – Coke pulls of Diet Coke right next to Coke Zero, while Pepsi has Diet Pepsi next to Pepsi Max. 

The problem with Next is that it has a lot about it that puts off a multitude of types of people.  Diabetics can’t drink it, people who refuse to ingest artificial sweeteners won’t drink it, and those purists who demand glass-bottled cola from Mexico (“Cane sugar is so much more tasty!”) won’t go near it.  So you’ve got the niche group of people who are okay with drinking this sort-of regular cola.  That seems like a tough way to keep a line alive. 

No wonder they can’t afford to make another commercial besides that break dancing baby one.  Have they made another?  I’ve only seen that one aired.  In fact, I saw it earlier today.  What an exciting anecdote that was!

I will try to stop annoyingly harping on the “Who is the target market?” point, and attempt to just talk about the soda itself.

Plain Pepsi Next does what it claims – gets an almost-regular cola taste with 90 less calories per can.  So if you climbed a couple of flights of stairs and thusly have 60 calories to spare, you can definitely go for this over Diet Pepsi.

Cherry Vanilla seems like a somewhat risky debut flavor.  Cherry is a no-brainer – cherry colas are awesome.  But introducing vanilla to the mix is where things get shady.  I like vanilla cola.  Real vanilla cola, as in fountain cola with vanilla syrup in it is unbelievable.  Packaged vanilla colas are often good, but the diminishing returns set in quickly.  If I get a twelve pack of Vanilla Zero, it will last me a while.  While I like the taste, getting through a whole can feels like an accomplishment.

The first two non-plain flavors of Next indicate an almost “Why the hell not?” attitude by Pepsi that I legitimately appreciate.  The flavor choices are close in riskiness to the flavors in Pepsi’s very bizarre Jazz line.  In fact, cherry vanilla was a Jazz flavor.

So while vanilla in cola often tastes good, it’s never been an especially refreshing flavor.  You’re not likely to think, “Man, it’s hot out – I am really thirsty.  Do we have any vanilla-flavored cola?”

Despite all of that, I’m not predisposed to disliking a flavor like this.  I love trying new soda varieties (what an exciting life I lead!)  I would have preferred to see what a Next with only cherry tasted like, especially after seeing how well they pulled off plain cola.  But I guess Pepsi figured that there’s a chance plain Next could live with the other plains, but a Cherry Next would cannibalize too much of the cherry Diet Pepsi sales.

The Cherry Vanilla Next is quite good.  It doesn’t have any of that cough syrup flavor you sometimes get with a diet cherry flavor.  Even better, the vanilla seems slightly dialed back in the mix compared to the cherry flavor, so it doesn’t have that heavy “vanilla” aspect to it.

Even still, about 3/4 of the way through the can, the novelty was starting to wear off.  Which isn’t to say I wouldn’t have it again – this is my usual MO with vanilla colas… I can only have so much of it at a time.

Judging Next solely on taste, and not on a “at what point is X amount of calories worth it vs. having a normal sweetened soda” basis, it’s been successful so far.  Both flavors have been legitimately good.  Time for the wild card.

I’ve genuinely never understood the economics behind the more out-there soda flavors, especially cola varieties.  Do they just want to sell a  bunch based on the curiosity aspect?  Are they truly hoping to find a niche audience?

There are some flavors that, just by looking at the name, you can safely say, “This won’t last.”  Paradise Mango Next is one of those flavors.  Which isn’t to say it isn’t going to be good – it’s just too weird.  Mango is too hit or miss of a flavor to be reliable.  When mango is good, it’s awesome.  When it’s bad, it has a very present “rancidity” quality that makes you want to use the word “feet” as an adjective.

Again, at the very least it does make me pleased with whoever green-lit these flavors, for at least not being the norm.

The initial taste is confusing.  You have the cola and you have the mango, but they don’t seem to make sense together.  Then, after a few sips, they start to go together.  Then, about halfway into the can, they don’t anymore.  The problem is, the mango aspect is such a strong flavor.  It’s a welcome surprise at first, then it becomes an intrusive guest who begins to overstay its welcome.

 Given the oddness of the flavor, this could have been much worse.  The fact that most of the can is enjoyable is surprising in and of itself.

If I see the Pepsi Next line in stores in six months, I’ll be surprised.  I won’t be upset, since the product is good.  In fact, I’ll even be happy if I see a couple of new flavors, since given the ones we’ve gotten so far, they’re likely to be something odd.  So even if they don’t wind up being classic flavors, they should at least be interesting.

Bonus Belated Soda Review!

Since it had been a few weeks since they last introduced a new flavor, it was time for a new variety of Mountain Dew.  When stores stock all the varieties, the Mountain Dew section has gotten insane.  There’s like seven flavors of sugar versions, and two diet.  Although I thought there were supposed to be three ongoing diet varieties.  While I wanted Diet Voltage to win last year, I came around to Supernova.  And just as I was really starting to want more of it, stores stopped carrying it.  This Dewmocracy is a sham!

While The Dark Knight Rises didn’t manage to best The Avengers at the box office, it did get its own flavor of soda.  The Avengers just had to hang out on Dr. Pepper cans. 

Having Batman staring at you from the can does put the calories in a can of soda into perspective.  Bale almost seems to be glaring at you, thinking “The 170 calories in this soda is almost as many calories as I took in while prepping for The Machinist, you obese cretin!”

The flavor did not sound very exciting.  “Dark Berry” was what they described as “Dew with a blast of mixed berry”.  What’s the deal with the alternate Mountain Dews – they always say “Dew with a blast of mixed berry / orange / whatever the current new flavor is”.  Is “Dew” supposed to be some sort of state of mind?  Because these flavors never taste like they added the new flavor to the existing Mountain Dew recipe.  I’m sure I’m over-thinking this, but it bugs me.

Dark Berry does have a pretty intense  glass presence.  In normal lighting, it lives up to the “Dark” name, while having a much lighter foam, so the contrast is cool looking.  But when you hold it up to the light, it becomes a truly awesome shade of blue:

This is probably all just a natural (well not natural, given the ingredients – I just mean “not intended”) part of the soda’s coloring, and not meant to be some sort of statement on the different aspect of Batman’s psychology.  But pose this question on any number of internet message boards, and I’m sure someone can come up with 3,000 words on how the various colors are a metaphor.

The taste is good, although nothing too memorable.  It tastes like a melted ice pop.  Not a straight up blue ice pop – maybe a blue mixed with a strawberry.  Isn’t this what Pepsi Blue tasted like?

It’s not a flavor I’d see going for too long, but as a temporary summer flavor, it does the job.  Although for almost the same number of calories, I’d probably rather drink three cans of Pepsi Next.  See how well I brought this article full circle?  If only I could have thought of a catchy last sentence.