Diet Coke-Babies

This probably won’t be a very shocking revelation, but I go through a lot of cereal.  These years of experience have provided me with the knowledge necessary to properly divide a box into even serving amounts.

I’m not talking about that nonsense “Serving Size”, where they say that a “bowl” of cereal is the equivalent of those tiny boxes of cereal you get at a hotel continental breakfast.  I mean “serving” in the correct usage, where it means “a bowl filled with an amount of cereal that you are satisfied with… possibly a little more.”

Despite this experience, occasionally something goes awry, and I am left with possibly the worst thing to happen to a cereal eater short of not having milk – not having enough left in the box for a proper bowl of cereal.

At this point, you have a few options – have a sad half-bowl of cereal, throw the rest out, or mix it with another cereal.  The last option is usually what I wind up doing, to drastically mixed results.  Crunch Berries and Kix?  Sure, that works.  Honeycomb and Cocoa Krispies?  Not so much.

Some of these cross-bred cereals wind up getting together to make a super-powered cereal baby.  Chocolate Cheerios mixed with Peanut Butter Cheerios?  Ridiculous.  That makes Reese’s Puff look like a rank amateur. 

Unfortunately, most of these cereal bastardizations are the result of desperation, not planning.  As a result, most of them are awkward.  General Mills must have known this was a common occurrence, and assumed that cereal eaters prefer this method.  Hence, Honey Nut Cheerios Medley Crunch.

Two things immediately jumped out at me when seeing this.  The first thing was that it’s a pre-packaged desperation cereal.  The second thing was, when did Buzz Bee start wearing Chuck Taylors?

Looking at the cereal itself, it presents some problems.  When making a desperation cereal, certain rules should be adhered to: flakes go with flakes, puffs go with puffs, and other pieces (like Lucky Charms) go with another piece-based cereal.  So Medley Crunch mixing flakes, Cheerios, and granola seemed like an abomination.

While eating, my expected issues did come true – bites have an uneven texture and size.  This might be good for your jaw, kind of like how running barefoot strengthens your supporting muscles due to the uneven terrain.  Although I will assume this was not General Mills’s intent.

Despite a really weird assortment of textures and shapes, the cereal is by no means bad.  In fact, it’s really good.  Honey Nut Cheerios are awesome, and the the flakes and granola basically just taste like “Honey Nut Flakes / Granola”.  The one misstep in the taste is the weird almond extract flavor.  You only get it once in a while, so it doesn’t overpower the taste, but once in a while you’ll get a bite filled with creepy almondness.

Thankfully, that doesn’t seep into the milk, and you are left with the usual honey-nut-sugar flavor.

While eating Medley Crunch, I highly advise you pay strict attention to the bowls you are eating.  You need to leave yourself one last proper bowlful.  Because if you mix this pre-packaged desperation cereal with the remainder of another cereal, I’m pretty sure the bowl will burst into flames.

[insert seal of approval here]

Despite the presence of the word “NEW” in size seventy font on the box, when I saw Peanut Butter Toast Crunch on the shelves, I first assumed it had been around for a while.  I have no idea why.

With that thrilling anecdote out of the way…

For some reason, I don’t like the box.  It’s “brown, brown everywhere!” 70’s vibe makes sense with the peanut butter theme, but it’s just sort of ugly.

I also don’t like that Wendell is doing that thing with the peanut butter that people do in photos, where they point at the person they are standing next to.  Although I understand why he’d be smug, having gotten away with murdering the other two bakers he used to work with.

The back of the box reveals the disastrous conditions the cereal is made in.  Having gigantic piles of cereal pieces sitting on a factory floor seems incredibly unsanitary.  As does the fact that every single cereal piece gets touched by Wendell’s bare hands.  Lip-licking creep.

Despite the fact that it is covered in hand germs and has been sitting on a factory floor, the cereal itself is quite good.  I didn’t know if it would have a lot of that weird, thick coating that some peanut butter cereals have.  It has a slight coating, but nothing off-putting.

What Peanut Butter Toast Crunch does well is balance the peanut butter flavor with the sweetness.  It doesn’t taste as sweet as Cinnamon Toast Crunch – it seems a bit more dialed back.

While they claim it is made with “real” peanut butter, I was still expecting a more fake flavor, like in Peanut Butter Cups.  The Crunch’s flavor is halfway between Reese’s fake flavor and real peanut butter.  The taste it most closely resembles is the crackers in those peanut butter sandwich crackers.

The milk takes on a bit of the peanut butter flavor, which was nice.  Even though, as I write that, I realize “peanut butter flavored milk” doesn’t actually sound like a positive thing.

[insert seal of approval here]