Diet Coke-Babies

Unlike the previous article, here we are going to focus almost exclusively on some of the more popular aspects of Halloween.  This was actually intended to be longer but, quite frankly, this wasn’t as interesting as I had thought it would be.  OH WELL.Break out your steroids and sponsors, this is the Halloween Olympics.

The first competition is among one of the more familiar aspects of Halloween time, and fall in general:

Pumpkins

In first place, comes the glorious carved pumpkin, the Jack O’Lantern.  This is arguably the icon of Halloween; there is basically nothing more synonymous with the holiday.  It can take many forms, from a crappy triangle face to an elaborately carved scene.  But usually it’s the crappy triangle face.  This takes top prize for how it looks during the day, but even more so for how it looks during the night.  Few things look more bad ass than an illuminated Jack O’Lantern, except for possibly an illuminated Jack O’Lantern carved out of a watermelon.  But that’s ridiculous.

Coming in a distant second is the classic pumpkin.  Nothing added, nothing taken away, just a lumpy, orange, sphere-ish embodiment of the fall season.  Please don’t get the terms “fall” and “autumn” mixed up.  I refuse to say autumn; it’s stupid.  The plain pumpkin is the perfect second place finisher.  It is very good on its own, not quite as good as the first place finisher, and yet nowhere near as bad as the last place finisher…

… the painted pumpkin.  Oh man, are these lame.  It’s the worst of both worlds, the simplicity of the plain pumpkin is gone, and the awesomeness of the Jack O’Lantern disappears as well.  They usually have “wacky” faces drawn on them, with their tongues sticking out and such.  I guess they have such bad personalities and awkward social graces that they feel the need to try to be funny, so people don’t notice what deviants they actually are.  Uh.  Moving right along…

I wanted to include one category for a candy that is commonly given out to Trick or Treaters, so here it is:

Twix Bars

Peanut Butter is on top, as it should be.  Twix brought this flavor back a couple of years ago, and I’m not sure what happened to it.  I don’t know why they would cancel it again; it seemed to sell well.  I did my part to keep it alive; I bought one.

Cookies & Cream – I hated this flavor when it first came out.  I was into the other flavor that was introduced at this time, the one with the fudge.  Once I realized that the fudge flavor was just a crappy version of Bar None, I focused my attention on Cookies & Cream.  It was like a long, chocolate covered Oreo, except it wasn’t exactly the same.  They made chocolate covered Oreos, and they didn’t taste like Cookies & Cream Twix.  Maybe the Twix were like long, chocolate covered Oreos, but better.  I don’t know.  I can’t remember them that well.

I know I have already gone on record saying I hate caramel.  I don’t take it back; I do hate it.  HOWEVER, I am always willing to make exceptions, like in this case.  (Caramel.)  It works well in the formula.  It complements the bar well, and isn’t so prevalent that it is all you notice.  Well done Twix.

Besides pumpkins, the other icon of the fall season, according to Google images, is the changing of leaves.  Then it seems to be turkeys, pilgrims, and a few other things.  But, eventually, we get to the other real important icon of the season:

Candy Corn

Candy corn has always been hit or miss for many people.  Pure sugar that has been melted and formed into conical shapes, then dyed fall colors, I don’t see anything wrong with that.  My excitement over the prospect of eating candy corn, however, varies depending on which kind it is.  To the ill informed masses, which are only aware of the generic orange and white variation of candy corn, this may come as a rude awakening.  And for that, I apologize.  There is not just one type of candy corn, not just two, and maybe not just three, but I’m not going to look into that.

For these purposes, comparisons will be made amongst the most popular types of candy corn: the classic, chocolate, and pumpkin shaped.  To me, there is no contest; but from talking to friends, acquaintances, benefactors, and such, I have discovered that candy corn is a controversial topic.  I still stand firm in my beliefs.

The top prize goes to chocolate.  Despite seeming like it is a completely unnecessary addition to the plain candy corn, the little chocolate end piece gives a welcome change of flavor.  This is the problem with the plain candy corn, which I will discuss further…

… right here.  Plain, which comes in second place, comes very close to the top spot.  The only problem is that it is just too, well, plain.  They are good to have a handful of, but halfway through it, you start to get sick of them.

Finally, we have the pumpkin shaped ones.  These are just stupid.  I hate to be the one to break it to you, but if you enjoy these, then you are dumb.  I’m sorry; that was rude; let me rephrase that.  If you enjoy these, then your taste in candy is dumb.  Now, I eat as much sugar as the next guy.  Unless the next guy is diabetic, in which case I eat way more sugar than he does.  Point being, I have no problem with mass quantities of sugar.  However, I must take umbrage at the fact that I am expected to eat an almost fluorescent orange colored lump of pure sugar.  (At this point, I am starting to wish I looked up a synonym or word that could be used in place of “sugar.”)  Anyone who readily admits that these are their favorite should not be trusted.  Taking in sugar in concentrated amounts like this is an obvious replacement for another vice, such as cigarettes, sex, or cocaine.

 That’s all.  Sorry.