I’ve never had Tab. I have never had any interest in having Tab. Well, that’s not entirely true. I have some interest in it, only because it is such a strange product. There is always a place for fringe products. Sarsaparilla for the people who refuse to sell out and drink root beer (acceptable, especially that glass bottle with the cowboy walking through the saloon doors), ginger ale for people with stomach viruses, Fresca for cool people, seltzer water for my sister and father (who are the only people I’ve ever known who drink seltzer water like it’s a normal thing), and so on and so forth.
Point being, for every weird beverage out there, there is a conceivable market. Tab, I never got who those people were. When I used to work at Waldbaum’s, there used to be this one old couple who would always buy Tab. Every time they would come on my line, I would be re-surprised that they even still make Tab. The couple would always buy the four six-packs that were in stock, and come back a month later when four more six-packs came back in stock. But those were the only people I’ve ever seen buy Tab, so I can’t create a proper stereotype.
As far as I know, those were the only people that have ever bought Tab. Well, at least since about 1987.
Needless to say, when I was standing in the express checkout line (Lane 2: 15 items or less) and saw a pink box with “Tab” emblazoned on it, I was rather surprised. Upon further inspection, it was “Tab Energy”. Well, that certainly piqued my interest; that interest being in random, unnecessary, and potentially disgusting things. After grabbing it, paying, and seeing my receipt, I realized I paid $6 for a four pack. Ugh.
My initial impression of the packaging is that it looks really good. The packaging is a bold pink (not “bright”. Bold.) It also has a crisscross design, the kind you would see in optical illusion activity pads, where you see gray dots in the corners, then when you look directly at the corner they disappear.
The can is the same design, so if I was to be seen walking around with it, I would have no real defense for carrying around a miniature diet energy drink in a pink can.
Now onto the important issue: the drink itself.
Well, I guess they’re going with the pink motif throughout. It smells… disconcerting. Like Strawberry Shasta mixed with cough syrup.
The taste is much, much more bizarre. It tastes like strawberry flavored lettuce. Now, that might sound good to you, so I will make myself more clear: it tastes like bad strawberry flavored lettuce. Or maybe if you left a stalk of celery in a glass of the aforementioned Strawberry Shasta overnight, and when the celery had absorbed the Shasta, eaten it.
“Ha ha,” you say, “that sure is an amusing description.” If you don’t believe me, go out and buy a pack. And enjoy drinking 10.5 fluid ounces of carbonated strawberry flavored energetic lettuce.
If you still doubt me, allow me to quote from the ingredients: “Vegetable Juice”. SEE????
I don’t know what else I can say. Would I recommend this? Well, I guess you need to ask yourself these questions: Do I like strawberries? Do I like salad? Do I like energy? If you answered yes to at least two of these questions, then by all means, buy some Tab Energy.