Diet Coke-Babies

As you already know, Halloween is right around the corner (literally! (okay not literally, but in a way it is (houses around the corner from me are decorated (although I don’t know if that counts (can you even put parentheses within parentheses? I know you can in math, but I’m not trying to multiply my poorly thought out sentence fragments.  I have enough stupidity here, the last thing I need is stupidity squared.  How many closing parentheses do I even need, I don’t feel like going back to check.  This should cover me.)))))))))

As Halloween approaches, many important questions come to mind:

• How come it always sucks?

Okay, so it was only one question.  But you have to admit, it was important.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the Halloween season.  LOVE <3 :-* .  The themed everything makes October so much more enjoyable. 

Halloween themed Zip-Loc bags?  Why not. 

Halloween themed cereals?  Of course.

Those houses in your neighborhood that do a great job with Halloween decorating?  Definitely. 

Those houses in your neighborhood that really decorate their yards, turning them into full fledged cemeteries filled with near-inappropriate gore, life sized monsters, and broadcast sound effect CDs?  The houses that make you contemplate the possibility that maybe the people that live there truly are deranged and the extensive decorating is a cry for help?  Hell yes.

Point being, Halloween is like Christmas, in that you have lots of time to get in the mood of the season.  The difference is that Christmas day is usually enjoyable.  You have off from work, and can spend the whole day doing Christmas related things.  Unless you don’t celebrate Christmas, in which case I guess you spend the whole day watching DVDs.

With Halloween, you have a 5 out of 7 chance of having to go to work.  So much of the day is spent going to work.  Unless you don’t have a job, which means all of your day is spent being a burden on society.  Driving home from work sucks, since you’re extra paranoid about hitting a costumed kid. 

Halloween night usually works one of two ways in my house.  We either buy way too much candy and no one comes to the house, and we have lots left over.  This is a good scenario.  Or we buy a normal amount of candy, lots of kids come to the house, and we have to find random things in the house to give out when our candy runs out, like hard candy or Little Debbies.  This scenario isn’t too bad, especially for the kids.  Who doesn’t want Zebra Cakes?

Even when Halloween is on Sunday, you still know you have to be up early the next day, so that ruins it.

When Halloween is on a Saturday it will rain and you will have food poisoning.

So Halloween is a waste.

However, this year has resulted in one more benefit to the season.  Halloween stores are always cool.  Unfortunately, they are often in malls, quickly thrown together in whatever empty store happens to be in the mall that month.  This year, more Spirit Halloween stores were popping up on Long Island than the polo collars of people who spike the back of their hair.

Spirit Halloween stores are awesome.  They do the same thing as mall stores, in that they rent whatever happens to be available that month, except these stores really go for it.  I went in with Amy to look around, expecting the typical weak Halloween store.  Inside, we were greeted with hundreds of costumes, masks, props, decorations, everything you could want except for an aisle where you could buy a friend willing to host a Halloween party.  Those are harder to come by.

While driving by it recently, I saw a big orange sign (orange signs during Halloween…creative!) that read “Everything 50% Off!”  Which in my language roughly translates into “Now you don’t have to feel as bad about spending money on useless crap.”

Unfortunately, I had a sudden attack of fiscal responsibility, so I couldn’t buy as much as I’d like.  Even still, $3.85 was enough to buy me two costumes.  Or emergency disguises if the need to commit crimes occurs suddenly.

Creepy Blank Face Guy

There’s not too much that can be said about this.  The title sums it up quite nicely.  I used to have this type of mask when I was younger, and used it to harass my sister on vacation by following her around while wearing it. 

You can wear just the mask to look disturbing.  Or you can wear this mask with a suit to look classy.  Think “Phantom of the Opera”, except with a 100% screwed up face.  If Phantom’s half grotesque face was such a success, an entirely grotesque face should mean twice the profits.  So just by wearing this mask, you will be on your way to financial security, but an empty heart.  Is leading a life of wealth worth it if it means you can never love?

Of course.

Normally, I would think posting a blurry picture to be unprofessional.  Which is why I am donating all proceeds from this article to charity.

However, the blurriness makes for a good reenactment of your vision after being bludgeoned by a deranged maniac for walking around his neighborhood covered in shaving cream.

So maybe he’s not that deranged.

Creepy Sex Pervert Guy

Again, the title sums it up well.  These masks truly do creep me out.  I used to have one of these masks also, except it was the “plain” variety.  Even that was weird looking enough.  Something about the anonymity combined with the shininess makes for an unsettling visual.  I don’t like when peoples’ faces are made of plastic wrap.  This mask ups the ante with lipstick and huge, Groucho Marx eyebrows. 

I can’t even go on further.  It’s just terrible and visually offensive to look at.

It is now clear that the best method on Halloween would be to buy the pervert mask and wear it when children come to your door.  They will see it and run in fear.  This means not only do you get to keep your candy for yourself, but the children may drop some of their own candy as they run.  And hopefully it will be Bottle Caps.