Movie Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Posted by robbposch on October 18, 2006
Posted in: Movie Reviews. Tagged: , , . 1 Comment

When I was ten, I led a fairly simple life.  I currently do as well, except the whole point of saying that was to segue into a topic that happened when I was ten.  So to avoid confusion, we will pretend my current life is interesting.

 

My simple ten year old life was made even simpler by the fact that I had a single goal for over a year (so my nine year old life was simple also; my eleven year old life, however, was balls-to-the-wall outrageous).  This goal was to see the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.

 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (which will be referred to as TMNT, an abbreviation I made up) was the first real marketing blitz that I can remember being a part of.  I was barely alive for the second two Star Wars movies and was too young to care about the presidential elections.  I’m pretty sure that covers all the important events from 1980 to 1990.

 

Given my lack of exposure to insanity level marketing, it is easy to see how I could get completely sucked into TMNT mania.

 

Not that the movie promotion was my first exposure to TMNT, far from it.  I had the figures, watched the cartoon, and read the comic that Archie Comics put out.  In fact, I wrote a letter to the comic book.  Yeah, I was that cool.  I don’t remember what the letter was about, or who it was even addressed to (probably Michaelangelo).  What I do remember is a few months later receiving a postcard with a message that read, “Cowabunga, dude!  Thanks for writing!”  Whoa.

 

Receiving this card was, arguably, the most exciting thing that had happened to me until that point.  It may be the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me; I’d have to think about it.  But probably.

 

Not only did I receive a hand written message, but I also got a hand drawn cartoon of a turtle face.  This was important to me because I had always been interested in drawing cartoons.  My first epic character was named Cool Man.  He was a collaboration from the third grade, between my friend Eric and me.  I drew the character, but couldn’t have done it without his inspiration.  I don’t mean to sound arrogant by claiming the design to be all my own, but if you created a masterpiece such as this, you would act the same way. 

 

Cool Man starred in “Cool Man Attacks New York”, which depicted him destroying the city in a Godzilla/Rampage fashion.  Eric and I created about forty sequels to “Attacks New York”, all basically the same picture but with a new number at the end of the title.  Why we had someone named “Cool Man” destroying a city rather than surfing, riding a motorcycle, or something similarly cool, I can’t say. 

 

My second major entry into the cartooning world was named Rocko.  Now if you want an idea of just how incredibly un-cool I was, this character will give a crystal clear depiction.  I designed him with all sorts of traits that I thought were totally cool:

o       A Mohawk

o       Vanilla Ice-esque shaved hair designs

o       A rat tail

o       A big, dangling earring

o       A skateboard AND Rollerblades

o       A “Bongo” smiley face t-shirt.

 

Yes, this was my creation.  My epitome of cool.

 

Luckily, I gave up on him relatively quickly.  Unfortunately, I gave up after drawing him on my book bag, forcing me to carry my visible shame with me for two years.  My parents wouldn’t let me get a new bag every year.  I think it’s because I kept forcing them to buy me a new Trapper Keeper every year, despite the fact that it didn’t even fit in my desk and had to be kept on the floor.

 

So I am as surprised as you that my career as a professional cartoonist never took flight.  But, hopefully, this anecdote will at least help shed some light on why getting a hand drawn Ninja Turtle in the mail was such an epic, season finale-worthy event.

 

Between the postcard, the TMNT cereal, the pudding pies, the “Hey Dudes, This Is No Cartoon!” poster, and the previews, I was pumped.  That was another thing increasing the anticipation.  I was old enough to understand costuming and special effects, but the previews still gave me that “What!  How are they doing that?” reaction. 

 

Finally, the day came.  I won’t get into details, since the gist of it is me remaining in a near comatose state of euphoria for weeks.

 

Fast forwarding to present day, what surprised me the most about this movie is that it stands up fairly well.  The movie actually played itself pretty straight, in that it took seriously what should have been taken seriously, but still contained a lot of humor.

 

What inspired me to watch the movie again was a conversation with my friends involving whether or not Christopher Meloni, best known as Detective Stabler on Law and Order: SVU, played Casey Jones or not.  And by “conversation”, I mean that subject was the entire conversation, not a small part.  But I’ll extrapolate on that in a bit.

 

I can’t even call this a “Top Ten” list, since it won’t be ranked or anything.  It’s more of a “movie adoration grouped by subject” list; or “writing full fledged movie reviews always seem like a more interesting venture in the beginning” list.  Anyway, here come the highlights, Sports Center style.

 

THE TRAILER

 

As I mentioned, seeing the trailer as a kid was epic.  It had instant gratification; no slow narrative and no fading in.  It started with the New Line Cinema logo.  If you don’t see this logo today and immediately think of the Ninja Turtle movie, then you were sleepwalking through this time period.  The logo comes and quickly goes, then BAM… The Shredder. 

 

No teaser silhouettes, no alluding to him, just an instant shot of his helmet.  That’s about as close to carnal pleasure as a ten year old gets.  Without any real chance to fully take in the visual, he starts speaking… in an incredibly Asian voice.  Looking back on the trailer versus the actual movie, it is quite evident that many voices were overdubbed.  The Shredder’s speech serves to introduce the turtles themselves.  This leads to the coolest shot of the trailer: a quick flash of Raphael’s mask as he ducks under a manhole. 

 

 

The turtles were voiced by stand-ins also, it seems.  The trailer’s money shot of “God, I love being a turtle!” sounds incredibly underwhelming with the extra goofy trailer voice; although it does make the movie version that much better.

 

PRODUCT PLACEMENT

 

This scene is fantastic.  Donatello is trying to get all philosophical, and all Michaelangelo responds with is how much time the delivery guy has left.  The pizza guy arrives, and shoves the Domino’s Pizza box down a grate, while the payment comes up.  Mike defends the $10, saying it’s $3 off for the driver being late, but that also means he gave no tip.  That’s weak.

 

THE TURTLES

 

Raphael is a dick head.  Michaelangelo is probably drunk.  Leonardo and Donatello are there.  That sums up their personalities fairly well, although the movie manages to flesh out their personalities a bit more. 

 

 

Raphael’s ninja skills are in full effect.  This is the only explanation for him going to the movies wearing a trench coat and hat, and not being noticed. He also proceeds to get absolutely pummeled by the Foot Clan.  Which doesn’t really make him cool, but the situation itself is.  It was a pretty hardcore scene for a kid to watch.  It wasn’t a fair fight, just Raphael getting ghetto stomped by about two hundred ninjas. 

 

 

Donatello doesn’t get a chance to show too much personality, but he does get some good lines.  Making the lines even better is the wonderful delivery by esteemed thespian Corey Feldman.  This is, without a doubt, his best role ever.  Even watching it now, some of his lines still make me laugh.  His incredulous reaction to The Shredder’s dramatic entrance to the final battle is perfect. LISTEN 

Also, his proclamation of love for pizza is awe inspiring.  LISTEN

 

Michaelangelo has the best lines written for him, in both jokes and memorable lines (the aforementioned “God, I love being a turtle” line).  I still think Donatello’s lines are funnier, although like I said, Michaelangelo does carve out a nice role for himself as the fun, inebriated uncle type of turtle.

 

Leonardo is lame.

 

FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

 

Look how Goddamn cute Michaelangelo is.  AWWWWWWW!  He’s sad. : (

And Leonardo looks like he’s riding an extremely pleasant Percocet wave.

 

APRIL O’NEIL

 

This movie was helpful in my development as a male, in that I was able to stop having a crush on a cartoon character, and instead convert it into a crush on a real person playing a cartoon character.  It reduces the weirdness by at least 40%.

 

 

April O’Neil managed to overcome a horrid wardrobe, horrid hair, and an extremely unattractive real-life last name (Hoag). 

 

 

Even the turtles perv on her the entire movie, creating uncomfortable levels of inter-species sexual tension.  That is, until her heart is finally won by someone truly deserving.  More on that in a bit.


THE FOOT CLAN HIDEOUT

 

 

The one problem this movie had was that it made kids want to join the bad guys.  The Shredder is incredibly cool.  Besides that, the Foot Clan’s hideout was the ultimate hangout for kids.  Video games, pool tables, skateboard ramps, everything you could want.  I found it hard to cheer against the Foot Clan, since they obviously knew how to treat their employees well.  This is where Disney got all their ideas for Pleasure Island.

 

“Regular or menthol”

 

THE CAMERA GUY

 

THE SONG

T-U-R-T-L-E POWER.

 

CASEY JONES

 

Casey Jones.  The best part about this movie.  Possibly the best part of any movie, ever.

 

We are first introduced to him when Raphael is out seeing Critters (!), and sees a couple of purse snatchers.  We then see the criminals in the park, where they are accosted by a sleazy looking man in a goalie mask, brandishing a hockey stick.  Which he proceeds to use by smashing the thieves in the face.

 

Raphael rudely interrupts the episode of street justice, which allows the thieves to escape.  So, of course, he and Casey Jones must do battle.  The result is rather surprising, as Casey Jones proceeds to beat the crap out of him with a cricket bat. 

 

We don’t see Casey for a while.  After Ralph gets jumped by the hundred or so Foot members, the rest of the turtles are getting beaten as well.  When it seems like the turtles are about to be defeated, in comes Casey, inquiring as to why the Foot members are beating up his friend.  So he fought Raphael, but also considers him his friend?  This guy is deep.

 

 

The turtles, Casey, and April escape the Foot, and hide out at a cabin, for the boring part of the movie.  During this time, Casey fixes their truck, cooks, and gives April back massages.  Straight up suave.

 

Speaking of suave, as I said, Casey Jones turned out to not be Detective Stabler.  But he’s still Casey Jones, so he’s still cool with me.  Remember when I said I’d go into more detail on that?  That’s all you’re getting.

 

 

After the final battle, when Shredder gets thrown off the roof of a building and lands in a garbage truck, Casey turns on the compacter, then proceeds to make out with April O’Neil.  This guy is Cary Grant and John Wayne rolled into one perfect example of manliness.

 

And there you have it.  The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie.  Despite the fact that this rarely happens, it is as good as you remember it.

Candy Review: Cool Pack

Posted by robbposch on October 1, 2006
Posted in: Candy, Food, Food Review, Miscellaneous Reviews. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

When you think of me (as you so often do), it is pretty safe to assume you immediately think the same thing I think about myself: “Cool.”  And yet, sometimes I feel lacking in this innate quality.  I know it’s there, just in slightly diminished form.

 

As luck would have it, I was in the Country Store of Smuggler’s Notch in Vermont.  I was staying there; I didn’t just happen to stumble into the store.  Although I did stumble in there a couple times, since a good portion of time spent in Vermont is spent drinking bottles of wine.  But that’s beside the point.

 

While in there, I was looking at their awesome candy section.  It had a huge selection of those $.79 or 2/$1 bagged candies, which are great because they tend to have random candy like Bit O’ Honey.  While browsing, I came upon a section of themed collections.  There was a Kid’s Pack, filled with toys and candy; a Girl’s Night Out Pack, filled with fake nails and such; a Boy’s Night Out Pack, filled with gin and lies; and a Cool Pack, filled with toys and candy.

 

What is the difference between the Kid’s Pack and the Cool Pack?  Duh. The Cool Pack is cool. So I bought it, much to the disdain of those around me.  I didn’t initially set out to buy this solely to discuss here, although the thought did enter my mind.  I have enough trouble maintaining my façade of somewhat normality; I can’t start mentioning buying things just to type about.

 

I was hesitant to even open it.  I just liked having something named “Cool Pack” laying around, like some sort of emergency kit.

 

And, yet, here we are.

 

Besides Cool Pack in huge letters, one of the things you notice right away is “Fat Free”.  You also notice it appears to be just a bag of toys.  This makes the claim of Fat Free a perplexing statement, almost sinister.  Upon closer inspection you see the few pieces of candy.  So the Fat Free claim seems to be somewhat appropriate, although it seems like a strange thing to use as the subtitle.  I would have gone with Kool Toys 4 Kool Kidz.

 

I looked at the nutritional facts, since I do that with pretty much everything, including bottled water, paper towels, and cat food.  One thing immediately grabbed my attention: FAT!  One gram of fat, not fat free.  Lying about being fat free?  That isn’t Cool.  Not that one gram is a back breaker or anything, it’s just bizarre, given their boasting.  And the ingredient list states it “May contain one or more of the following” ingredients.  It’s that kind of obscurity that we need more of.  Society has become possibly a bit too informed about food (not that it stops us from being fat, Quik drinking slobs), and this Choose Your Own Adventure style of ingredient listing makes reading packaging more exciting.

 

And now, onto to the important stuff.

 

The Cool stuff.

 

I decided to eat the candy first.  There were two pieces of Flintstones candy, which I just hoped weren’t Bronto Burger flavored.  Or Fred flavored, I guess.  Betty flavored would be acceptable.

 

They turned out to be basically hard, less flavored Starbursts.  And surprisingly, were more enjoyable.  Trying to chew the super tough taffy made it seem like I really was earning the little flavor they were offering.  It was strange… the less-sweetened candy was a nice change.  I guess I just liked being able to actually taste the rubber and gelatin.  So, Flintstones candy: Thumbs Up.

 

Next up was the lollipop, which has one of the best candy names in a long time:  Bon Bon Bum.  It was basically a cheap Blow Pop, which was fine with me.  However, what brought this ordinary lollipop into full fledged Cool territory was the stick.  It was a stiff plastic straw.  Not the paper sticks that get all weird once it comes in contact with your saliva soaked lips, but smooth, durable plastic.  Bravo, Bon Bon Bum.

 

I didn’t even realize the last pieces of candy were candy.  I thought they were oars, but when I didn’t see a canoe, I looked into them further, and realized they were Pixie Stix-like candy.  These sticks differed in that they were encased in a plastic package, which is just strange.  I couldn’t open it with my teeth or hands; I had to resort to scissors.  And the sugar inside was all crystallized and chunky.  Not cool.

 

Candy consumed, I moved onto the toys.  Of course, the first thing I did was put the vampire teeth in my mouth, and proceeded to leave them in for the next hour or so.  Vampire teeth are always cool. 

 

Next were the fake bugs: definitely cool.  A garish red dragonfly and a pretty realistic cockroach made for a dynamic duo.  There were also two toy men.  One on a motorcycle that has wheels with removable rubber tires (!), and an uncomfortably sticky man that stretches.  Finishing up the organic-related toys was a fake finger complete with a red fingernail/claw.  There is a rubber ball which isn’t really that cool, but at least you can throw it at someone.  And last but definitely not least was a radical skateboard keychain.

 

I almost feel like a summary would be unnecessary.  By now, we all know that this package has more than backed up its claims of coolness.  Vampire teeth, Flintstones candy, motorcycles, skateboards… COME ON.  If this isn’t cool enough for you, I really don’t know what to say.  At the same time, if this isn’t cool enough for you, you’re at a level of coolness most people can only dream of.  And if you truly are at that level, you sure as hell wouldn’t be wasting your time here.

Soda Review: Diet Pepsi Jazz

Posted by robbposch on August 9, 2006
Posted in: Soda Reviews. Tagged: , , . 2 Comments

Since Pepsi hasn’t come out with a new “product that sounded good in theory, but when you think about it, the theory itself wasn’t very good either” product, I was not surprised to hear of yet another fringe drink from them.

Diet Pepsi Jazz is a very strange concept.  The two varieties are Strawberries & Cream, and Black Cherry dot French Vanilla.  It’s not Black Cherry and French Vanilla; there is a bold dot (.) between the words.

This is a reference to a dark era of America, when prohibition forced jazz musicians to turn their backs on the evils of gin martinis and whiskey.  During this time, many new soda varieties were born.  Many of these varieties were created not because they tasted good, but solely as a quick attention grab from the public, in order to take any possible market share away from Coca Cola.  In fact, this abundance of cola consumption is believed to be the primary force behind jazz’s smooth sound.  When the musicians would come crashing down after their massive caffeine rushes, they would play in small bars, moderately pacing their music due to exhaustion.

I don’t actually think that is true.  All I know about jazz is what I learned from That Thing You Do!, when Guy goes to the Blue Spot and meets Del Paxton, and he’s too distracted by his man crush to sleep with Tom Hanks’ wife.

Point being, I have no idea what the logic behind Diet Pepsi Jazz is supposed to be.  Strawberries & Cream sounds like a good flavor, but diet?  And mixed with cola?  The Black Cherry dot French Vanilla flavor makes sense, since Pepsi is doing its typical “the other company came out with a flavor, now we have to” response to Diet Black Cherry Vanilla Coke.

Since it’s a new product and I’m an idiot, I bought both flavors.

The packaging is fairly unappealing.  The shiny faux-foil wrapping is somewhat eye catching, but that is cancelled out by the unattractive colors.  Also, the rather vulgar looking splash of cream is unsettling.

Opening the Strawberries & Cream bottle, it started out very poorly.  The soda stinks, literally… a very noxious fake strawberry odor.  I remembered how much I disliked the smell of Berry Krispies and wound up liking them, so I decided I wouldn’t hold the Jazz’s smell against it.  (I really would, I was just pretending not to.)

The first sip involved the usual procedure: fear, consumption, brace for taste impact, information processing.  The results are in!

It’s okay.

With a product as potentially frightening as this, that really isn’t a bad result.  It’s basically a diet cherry vanilla cola with (are you ready for this?) strawberry instead of cherry.  The strawberry flavor is very reminiscent of the dried strawberry pieces in Strawberries and Cream oatmeal.  Would I recommend it?  I’d say it’s worth a try, it’s unlikely you’ll hate it, and you might wind up really liking it.

After Strawberries & Cream, Black Cherry dot French Vanilla (BC.FV) seemed rather anticlimactic.  I have already tried Coke’s variety, and cherry vanilla doesn’t fill me with as much dread as “Strawberries & Cream”.

The BC.FV flavor is much more subdued than Strawberries & Cream.  It’s a black cherry flavor with only hints of vanilla.  It is a FAR better flavor than the Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi.

Surprisingly, both varieties were quite good.  I see myself drinking BC.FV more (as in, if it’s laying around… I don’t see myself buying it again), but Strawberries & Cream would get thrown in the rotation once in a while.  My advice is try them, but make it quick, since this line will probably fade out quickly, get the axe, and get replaced by another novelty soda.  You know, the usual routine.

Cereal Review: Berry Rice Krispies

Posted by robbposch on August 5, 2006
Posted in: Cereal Reviews, Food, Food Review. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

I think I like Rice Krispies.

They’re certainly not a bad cereal, not by any stretch.  But they’re one of those “What’s the point?” cereals.  Cereals you eat if they are around, and probably like a fair amount, but if you’re making choices at the supermarket you would pick from many other superior choices.

Especially plain Rice Krispies.  These are good with sugar sprinkled on them, but then the sugar sinks to the bottom (especially if you eat out of quart sized Wonton soup containers like I do) and the remainder of the milk is a sugary sludge.  Which sounds better than it really is.

The sugar distribution was solved by releasing Frosted Rice Krispies.  These are great.  Each of the Krispies is coated with a layer of sugar, to maximize the surface-area-to-sugar ratio.  The old box was great too, everything was icy and snow covered and Snap, Crackle, and Pop had ski caps on.

Which reminds me of a story that proves I used to be so much cooler.  When going on trips with my family, we would always get those packs of little cereal boxes.  That marked the beginning of the trip: still having good varieties left (before having to resort to Corn Flakes or plain Cheerios) and new Archie digests to read.  Anyway, since those variety packs don’t give you much cereal for the price, my parents decided it would make more sense to just get me a regular box of cereal, which should keep me entertained for a while.  I chose Frosted Rice Krispies, which doesn’t make sense, as it’s not a convenient cereal to eat with your hands.  I sit in the back seat with the box, open it, and go to grab the prize from the bottom.  While doing this, I proceeded to accidentally pour the entire box of cereal onto my lap, the seat, and the floor of a car crowded with luggage.  Awesome.

Problem is, Frosted Rice Krispies have reached Boo Berry levels of obscurity.  Except Frosted Rice Krispies don’t become more prevalent around Halloween.

Cocoa Krispies are also awesome.  That’s all I can really saw about them. Rice Krispies Treats cereal is awesome as well. Marshmallow Krispies were stupid. 

Which brings me to the subject at hand: Berry Rice Krispies.  I don’t know how long these have been around; I’ve only seen them in the past few weeks.  I don’t know how you could miss them, the box is an extremely garish pink-purple hue.  It’s actually a great looking box.  The “Berry” lettering in a nice Comic Sans, the colors, the always happy elves… it’s a solid look.  Except for the back, which is a crude drawing of a neighborhood street entitled, “What’s berry fun in Berry Town”.  I’m mostly upset because it stole my line, either saying that the cereal was or wasn’t berry good.

Which begs the question, if Berry Rice Krispies are, indeed, berry good (Yes! it is still totally funny when I use it).

The answer, somewhat surprisingly, is yes.  They are berry good.  This cereal had the potential to be disastrous, but succeeds quite well.  Upon opening the box, I was wary… there was a very overpowering artificial berry scent.  The cereal is also a little unattractive.  I was scared by the artificial smell, but I do like artificial colors, in which it was slightly lacking.

My journalistic integrity forced me to proceed.

Final verdict is, it is quite good, and I would definitely get it again.  The key to it’s not-terribleness is the fact that it isn’t 100% berry Krispies.  It’s 65% berry Krispies and 35% plain Krispies (these are scientific figures), which keeps the flavor from crossing the line from berry good to berry bad (it’s still funny).

So go out, buy a box, eat it, and put the gorgeous box on display above your mantel.  If a guest comments badly on it, inform them that they have berry bad taste.  If they don’t appreciate your pun, ask them to leave.

Spider-Man – The Ultimate Ride

Posted by robbposch on May 15, 2006
Posted in: Miscellaneous Reviews. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

Upon a recent trip to Niagara Falls and Toronto, a lot of important events took place.  I went to a foreign country without my family for the first time.  I learned that it is not spelled “Niagra”.  My fear of driving over bridges over waterways grew from unsettling to near-crippling and/or panic attack inducing phobia (“gephyrophobia”, I found out it’s called).  I got engaged.  I saw a Maple Leafs game at the Air Canada Centre.  Although those events are not necessarily listed in order of importance.

 

(They probably are; I’m just not allowed to officially say that for fear of being killed.)

 

One other very important thing happened to me on that trip: my faith and love for all things amusement park was shaken to the core, forcing me to question every belief I have ever had.  This didn’t actually occur at a full fledged amusement park, but it did involve a dark ride, one of the foundations of every good amusement park.

 

This happened on Clifton Hill in Niagara Falls, on the Canadian side.  Clifton Hill is the sort of street that usually appears on boardwalks: lots of souvenir shops, crappy-yet-enjoyable attractions (with a Ripley’s… always with a Ripley’s), and lots of junk food.  It’s one of those paradoxical instances where you are simultaneously entertained and depressed by what is going on around you. 

 

Like when someone makes a reference to an old show you used to watch: it makes you happy because it brings back good memories.  It also makes you depressed because you’re old.  Then it makes you angry at the person for thinking that just making unrelated nostalgic references makes them interesting.  It doesn’t.  Stop.

 

Or late Saturday night.  It’s good because it’s Saturday night, but then you think, “Hey, Saturday night is almost Sunday.  That means it’s basically Monday morning.” 

 

Or when you see a little kid fall down.  That’s mostly funny, but while you are laughing to yourself there’s a part of you thinking, “Maybe everyone’s right, I really am a dickhead.” 

 

Point being, anyone who has been to one of these tourist trap areas knows the feeling.  You can quickly spend your entire day and empty your entire wallet and come away with nothing redeeming.  And you know that going into the day, but that doesn’t stop you.  You think you’ll be fiscally responsible and do something that will make memories to cherish, but within the hour you find yourself in Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum, seeing the same boat made of toothpicks and wax sculpture of the guy with the candle in his head that you’ve seen at every other one you’ve ever went to.

 

I can remember being here with my family in 1998, when I went in one of the “not ready for Orlando” haunted houses.  I also bought an Our Lady Peace shirt here (it is Canada, after all) which I was later forced to throw out.  I had ruined it because it was covered in sticker residue, from when I covered the shirt in felt teddy bear stickers.  Don’t ask.

 

It was all but inevitable that we would wind up at the Spider Man attraction.  I saw the sign for it while we sat in the car at the Canadian border for about half an hour.  There were brochures in that brochure rack that every hotel has, containing the usual assortment of two or three legitimate must-see sights, and the rest of the rack being filled with brochures for places that you probably wouldn’t go to even if the choice was between going there or getting kicked in the crotch.  But mostly because at least getting kicked in the crotch is free.

 

Finally, I saw it a few times while eating at the Skylon Tower.  This is a revolving restaurant that is high up.  The idea is that you can get a beautiful view of Niagara Falls for about ten minutes, then for the next twenty or so minutes look at the slums that surround it, then when you come back to Niagara Falls, you appreciate it that much more.  The Skylon Tower is also one of the most expensive restaurants I have ever had the privilege of paying for.  While in Canada I didn’t pay too much attention to prices, figuring what I was paying in US dollars wasn’t as much, so it was okay.  Unfortunately, “A whole lot of money” in Canadian dollars still translates into “A lot of money” in US dollars.

 

The next day we wound up at Clifton Hill, albeit accidentally, but nevertheless we had arrived.  Climbing the stairs, there was a life size animatronic figure of Ultimate Green Goblin.  The difference between Ultimate Green Goblin and comic Green Goblin (or movie version) is that he is from Ultimate Spider Man (duh), which is basically a re-imagining of Spider Man’s younger years.  The animatronic was fairly well done, since it wasn’t even part of a ride, and was just an outdoor display.

 

Inside, it was basically a glorified arcade.  I went over to the ticket counter, and asked for my two tickets to ride Spider Man. 

 

TWENTY SIX DOLLARS.

 What in the hell?

 

Two tickets for one ride was $26.  For that kind of money this ride better come with a happy ending.  We made our way over to the ride, and it was starting to look more and more like a poor investment.  There were two people in line ahead of us, and we still wound up waiting to get on the ride.  This was probably because the cars moved approximately three feet per leap year, on a very conspicuous track that the car grinded on (ground on?) fairly loudly.  Now, I wasn’t expecting Spider Man from Islands of Adventure, but at the same time I felt it should move better than the fire trucks that four year olds ride in a circle at carnivals.

 

We were then given our 3-D glasses.  This sounds impressive, but no.  They were cardboard 3-D glasses, like you would get with a comic book.  Except they were grey lenses, not even the cool red and blue.  I figured at least with those I could pretend to be that guy from Back to the Future.  But, alas, this was not to be the case.

 

It got worse from there, although initially only true geeks would find fault.  We are greeted by a 3-D version of Ultimate Spider Man, who tells us the city’s villains are on the prowl.  Now when I say 3-D, I mean “we were wearing 3-D glasses while looking at a seemingly 2-D image.”

 

Now the truly geeky complaint:  in Ultimate Spider Man, Peter Parker is fifteen years old, an underclassman in high school.  Spider Man on the ride sounded like a 35 year old man.  Small complaint, seemingly, but come on.  I paid $13 a person to be on this ride, at least attempt to get some details correct.

 

From there, we go into the ride, whose sets look like they were painted by Paas, judging by the pastels and day-glo colors that made up the scenery.  But hey, it was Easter time after all.

 

After a typical J. Jonah Jameson intro, Spider Man informs us we need to shoot all the colored targets we saw.  Oh yeah, the cars came with web guns, to shoot with and keep track of our score with.  Except neither of ours worked.

 

The first villain we meet Scorpion, which is somewhat cool, at least its kind of an obscure character.  Then we fight the Lizard, then Electro, then the Green Goblin.  Although the screen was broken when we “fought” the Goblin, so we didn’t really know what was going on.  Finally, we meet Doctor Octopus, but at this point I was beyond caring.  I sat there with my broken gun, in absolute awe of just how terrible the ride was.

 

Mercifully, the ride ended pretty soon after that.  While getting out of the car, the attendant said the best thing he possibly could have:  that we could get our money back, since the guns were broken.  Thank you, broken guns!  Even if the guns worked, the ride still would have sucked total ass, so I was more than happy to accept that offer.

 

The ticket woman didn’t even ask for a reason why I was getting a refund; maybe they have to issue so many that they don’t even bother asking anymore.

 

Had I not gotten a refund, I would have been ultra mad about going on that horrid ride.  Instead, it’s just a story that seemed a lot more interesting before I started actually writing it out.

Soda Review: Tab Energy

Posted by robbposch on February 25, 2006
Posted in: Soda Reviews. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

I’ve never had Tab.  I have never had any interest in having Tab.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  I have some interest in it, only because it is such a strange product.  There is always a place for fringe products.  Sarsaparilla for the people who refuse to sell out and drink root beer (acceptable, especially that glass bottle with the cowboy walking through the saloon doors), ginger ale for people with stomach viruses, Fresca for cool people, seltzer water for my sister and father (who are the only people I’ve ever known who drink seltzer water like it’s a normal thing), and so on and so forth.

 

Point being, for every weird beverage out there, there is a conceivable market.  Tab, I never got who those people were.  When I used to work at Waldbaum’s, there used to be this one old couple who would always buy Tab.  Every time they would come on my line, I would be re-surprised that they even still make Tab.  The couple would always buy the four six-packs that were in stock, and come back a month later when four more six-packs came back in stock.  But those were the only people I’ve ever seen buy Tab, so I can’t create a proper stereotype.

 

As far as I know, those were the only people that have ever bought Tab.  Well, at least since about 1987.

 

Needless to say, when I was standing in the express checkout line (Lane 2: 15 items or less) and saw a pink box with “Tab” emblazoned on it, I was rather surprised.  Upon further inspection, it was “Tab Energy”.  Well, that certainly piqued my interest; that interest being in random, unnecessary, and potentially disgusting things.  After grabbing it, paying, and seeing my receipt, I realized I paid $6 for a four pack.  Ugh.

 

My initial impression of the packaging is that it looks really good.  The packaging is a bold pink (not “bright”.  Bold.)  It also has a crisscross design, the kind you would see in optical illusion activity pads, where you see gray dots in the corners, then when you look directly at the corner they disappear. 

 

The can is the same design, so if I was to be seen walking around with it, I would have no real defense for carrying around a miniature diet energy drink in a pink can.

 

Now onto the important issue:  the drink itself. 

 

 

Well, I guess they’re going with the pink motif throughout.  It smells… disconcerting.  Like Strawberry Shasta mixed with cough syrup. 

 

The taste is much, much more bizarre.  It tastes like strawberry flavored lettuce.  Now, that might sound good to you, so I will make myself more clear: it tastes like bad strawberry flavored lettuce.  Or maybe if you left a stalk of celery in a glass of the aforementioned Strawberry Shasta overnight, and when the celery had absorbed the Shasta, eaten it.

 

“Ha ha,” you say, “that sure is an amusing description.”  If you don’t believe me, go out and buy a pack.  And enjoy drinking 10.5 fluid ounces of carbonated strawberry flavored energetic lettuce. 

 

If you still doubt me, allow me to quote from the ingredients: “Vegetable Juice”.  SEE????

 

Lettuce Juice!

 

I don’t know what else I can say.  Would I recommend this?  Well, I guess you need to ask yourself these questions: Do I like strawberries?  Do I like salad?  Do I like energy?  If you answered yes to at least two of these questions, then by all means, buy some Tab Energy.

Movie Review: Breakin’ 2 – Electric Boogaloo

Posted by robbposch on February 6, 2006
Posted in: Movie Reviews. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

I’m not big on recommendations.  When someone tells me I HAVE to see this movie, watch this show, listen to this band, and so on, I usually give a vague, “I’ll check it out.”  This is especially true when it comes to movies.  I don’t even like watching movies I’ve never seen very much.  Which begs the question of why I have a Netflix subscription when I usually just spend my nights watching Beavis and Butthead or The Office on my computer.

All I knew about Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo was the surname.  Oftentimes I’ll be reading and see something jokingly referred to as (Something) 2: Electric Boogaloo.  Of course this happens more often when you mostly stick to reading “Toyfare” magazine, but that’s not important.  I even used that joke a couple years back in one of the Florida articles.  However, when this movie was recommended to me, it was described as “I love this movie the same way you love Silent Night, Deadly Night 2.”  Whoa.  Since I couldn’t refuse an offer like that, I immediately queued it up in Netflix.

I was worried I wouldn’t be able to follow the plot, since I had never seen the original Breakin’.    How would I understand the reappearing characters?  I never saw their personalities, their memorable quotes, or their emotions.  Would I be lost?  There was only one way to find out.  No, not watch the original Breakin’.  That would make too much sense.  I also doubt it would be as awesome as Breakin’ 2 had the potential to be.  A sequel to an irreverent, unnecessary movie is usually great.  The original irreverent, unnecessary movie usually isn’t.  No, watching the original was out of the question; instead I was just going to jump right into the action.  The Breakin’ 2 action.

The movie really couldn’t have gotten off to a better start.  The first thing we see is a gigantic boom box.  As the opening credits roll, we are treated to a visual bouillabaisse of awesomeness, including fingerless gloves, headbands, belts around thighs, Jeri curls, and, of course, break dancing.

We first meet Kelly, who I assume is from the first movie.  She is at home in her father’s mansion, who is telling her she should take his offer of attending Princeton.  After a back and forth between daughter and father where the main point was “dancing is awesome”, we are treated, less than four minutes in, to the fantastic Generic Line Number 1: “Well it’s my life, Dad!”

Kelly then goes to meet up with her old dance partners Turbo and Ozone.  Someone starts a song on a boom box, which ignites a five minute music sequence where every single person in the neighborhood begins dancing down the street, eventually forming what can only be described as an unruly mob.  This dance sequence continues to go on, MUCH longer than would be expected, even in a movie like this. 

Eventually the posse winds up at “Miracles” a youth center that Turbo and Ozone volunteer at.  This leads to more dancing.  We then meet Byron, who is old. 

Summary of next ten or so minutes: Man, they sure like to dance.

Enter: Rich white businessman who wants to demolish the youth center in order to build a shopping center. 

More dancing.  Jeez.  One point of interest in this dance sequence is Kelly dancing in what appears to be her underwear in front of a bunch of little kids.

Now is when the drama really picks up.  Kelly and her group get accosted by a dance gang called The Electros.  Byron finds out he has 30 days to vacate Miracles, unless he can buy it out to the tune of $200,000.  You know what that means.  Fund raising montage.  They wash cars, sell lemonade, sell “Maps to the Stars”, make balloon animals (?), among other high yield activities.

Quick plot points: all this activity results in only $7,000, so they decide to set up a street festival.  Kelly finds out she has an audition for some big musical in Paris.  Ozone flirts with a girl that looks like a “Beat It” era Michael Jackson.  Ozone gets mad about Kelly’s audition.  The Miracles gang has a dance battle with the Electros, which includes nunchakus and trash can shields.  I don’t know how to tell who won.  Finally, there is a confrontation between Rich White Guy and Byron.

After meeting a Spanish dancer, Turbo goes to ask a sleeping Ozone how to “get it on” with a girl.  After standing up and zipping up his pants (?), Ozone explains the art of seduction.  Then they dance with each other.  Kelly, Turbo, and Ozone go to have dinner with her parents, which ends poorly after the father makes racist generalities about the kids at Miracles. 

Ozone tries to call a truce with The Electros, saying they need to team up to save Miracles.  Ozone is quickly rebuffed.  Kelly then gets harassed by the Michael Jackson girl. 

Finally, the day of reckoning is at hand.  The Rich White Company is speaking before the city committee to discuss the fate of the building.  Despite a few heart wrenching speeches from the gang, the committee lets The Rich White Company buy the land.  The gang decides to fight back by harassing the construction workers.  Turbo steals one of the construction workers’ toolboxes, and in the ensuing chase, falls down a flight of stairs and dies.

Well, maybe he didn’t die, but he does go to the hospital.  This idiot’s fall costs Kelly her job in Paris, since she has to go visit Turbo, who is in a coma.  The girl that Turbo likes comes out of a closet in Turbo’s hospital room (?), and proceeds to give Turbo a kiss.  Which, of course, brings Turbo out of his coma.  Everyone in the hospital, including Turbo and the rest of the patients, begins dancing.  This dance sequence then, and I am not joking, brings a dead patient back to life, who then (of course) starts dancing. 

After this, Kelly is eating pizza with Ozone, who is shirtless for some reason.  Kelly’s father comes over with a proposal: if she goes to Princeton, he will give Miracles the money it needs.  Instead of being, you know, sensible, Ozone tells her father they don’t need his money.  We are then treated to awesome Generic Line Number 2: “NOBODY is going to tell me when to lay down my pride!” 

Turbo escapes from the hospital with the help of his non-English speaking girlfriend. 

When the bulldozers come to knock down Miracles, the gang defends the building by climbing on the machinery and starting to…

 I’ll let you guess what they do there…

…

That’s right, dance.

Turbo refuses to move from out of the bulldozers’ way, so despite the fact that Rich White Guy tells the construction workers to run him over, the construction workers refuse and leave.  A news team shows up, which prompts the city planner to change his mind for fear of losing the next election.  Knowing he won’t get the land, Rich White Guy is then pressured by Byron into donating $10,000 to Miracles.  Ozone then uses his incredible marketing skills to get crowds to the festival by promising “Dancing and juggling.” And really, can anyone resist the lure of juggling? 

Since this is the part of the movie where all the loose ends get tied up, Kelly’s dad shows up to tell her he is proud of her, and donates the rest of the money needed to save Miracles.  The Electros call their truce by dancing along with everyone else.  Everyone is happy.

And this is the end of Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.  Was I glad this was recommended to me?  I will say yes, conditionally.  That condition being I wish I didn’t have to watch it alone at two in the morning.  However, this would be an excellent movie to watch with a group of people.  Then, after watching the movie you can turn the boom box to the max, have some dance battles, wash some cars, learn to love your parents, and, of course, learn a valuable lesson.

Movie Review: The Star Wars Holiday Special

Posted by robbposch on December 31, 2005
Posted in: Movie Reviews. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a comment

You know how when you experience something that wasn’t good, you oftentimes declare it the worst? This happens a lot, oftentimes in a poor impersonation of Comic Book Guy, referencing a no longer funny Simpsons joke, the “worst (insert subject here) ever”. Fully aware of this tendency for people to easily call something the worst, I am establishing my line in the sand: The Star Wars Holiday Special is one of the worst things I have ever seen, and is likely one of the worst things that has ever existed.

I say “one of the worst” because while it is likely that it is actually the worst, I will leave room for future contenders. However, it is by far (and by “by far” I mean the amount of distance necessary to find a belt to hang myself with in order to no longer have to watch it) one of the worst things my eyes, ears, and occasionally mind have had to endure.

I had such high expectations going into seeing this. Normally when I hear something described as “awful”, “a train wreck”, or, ideally, “cringe-inducing”, I am the first one there to enjoy it. It took about two minutes of watching this for it to sink in that I would not be enjoying it.

Seemingly, the biggest plus for this special is that it got most of the stars to participate. As we will soon see, this doesn’t make this special better for the reasons you would think.

It starts off by showing the Millennium Falcon escaping Imperial Troops. Han Solo is trying to take Chewbacca home for his celebration of “Life Day”. I feel bad for Harrison Ford, seeing him in this. At least he got a pay check.

The introductory narrative begins listing the cast, then after listing the usual suspects such as Mark Hammel, Ford, Carrie Fisher, etc, it takes a sharp turn. The narrator then goes on to introduce Chewbacca’s wife, BEA ARTHUR, Jefferson Starship, among other super stars.

For the next ten minutes, we are treated to Chewbacca’s family screaming at each other in Wookie. That is correct; there is no English dialogue or plot for ten minutes. At the START of a program.

What we see next is one of the absolute highlights of the special. Drag Queen Luke Skywalker. Apparently, Mark Hammil had gotten into a car accident shortly before filming began. To work around his facial injuries, they had him wear about three pounds of makeup and a wig. And, as you can see, it is hardly noticeable.

Some stuff happens.

Then Chewbacca’s mom watches a cooking show featuring Harvey Korman as a cross dressing, four armed chef. Which, of course, they show in nearly its entirety. Then there is a Diane Carroll music video. Of course. Imperial troops then raid Chewbacca’s house, and proceed to watch a Jefferson Starship video.

I’m ready to stop, how about you?

Actually, what follows next is probably the only legitimately enjoyable part. It’s an animated short, which includes the first ever appearance of Boba Fett. That alone redeems the entire Holiday Special, but just barely.

Some more stuff happens. Bea Arthur is a space bartender. The bar sings and dances.

In case you were wondering, Chewbacca makes it home for Life Day. YAY!

The special ends with the whole cast on stage telling everyone “Happy Life Day”. Then, a TOTALLY COKED UP Carrie Fisher sings a song.

So there you have it.

I quite like the idea of Life Day being a major holiday. It paves the way for more unnecessary holidays based on positive generalities. I am declaring January 16th to be Cool Day. I hope everyone can make it home to be with their families so we can celebrate together.

The Top 10 Christmas Songs of All Time

Posted by robbposch on December 7, 2005
Posted in: Holidays, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

As anyone who has been driving since, say, September knows, Christmas music is everywhere.  Not that you have to be driving in order to hear Christmas music.  You can pretty much go anywhere this time of year and hear Christmas music playing: mall, supermarket, temple, etc. 

 

I actually enjoy a lot of Christmas music.  It’s tough, because society does everything it can to make you hate it.  Play it everywhere, so you get sick to death of the good songs.  Make horrendous covers, so you grow to hate the versions you like.  Or just make awful, awful “original” songs. 

 

These “modern classics” run the gamut from awful to not-so-awful, with a few exceptions.  Those exceptions aside, modern Christmas music is filled with so much crap that it drowns out the genuinely good Christmas music.  And there is a lot, which you may have forgotten after having practiced drowning out Christmas music in general for so long.

 

Once you learn to tune out the truly dreadful songs, such as Santa Baby (a song about seducing Santa Claus), Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer (if you like this song, please exit life), and Do They Know It’s Christmas? (they should have implemented a donation system wherein the charity would receive money in order to have the song not played), you can start to remember the fact that there are a lot of damn good Christmas songs.  Which, by the way, would make an awesome title for a holiday album.

 

Though it all boils down to personal preference, I have compiled a list to help guide you through the literally millions of Christmas songs out there.  Where applicable, I mentioned the artists who perform my favorite versions. However, the songs themselves are the only thing I have cemented on this list.  I can’t, except in a few instances, label who did the best version ever, simply because there are so many versions of most Christmas songs.

 

This also isn’t a list of “best modern Christmas songs” or “classic songs”; it’s a giant free for all.  This will decide who comes out alive in the Christmas Octagon.  And, finally, this isn’t really a “humor” article.  It might be funny, but probably inadvertently.  So if it is non-stop hilarity you seek, get out and never return.  At least not until the next update.

 

Without further ado, I present:

The Coke-Babies Top 10 Christmas Songs of

ALL TIME.

A Charlie Brown Christmas – “Christmas Time Is Here”

 

This song, performed by the Vince Guaraldi Trio, has been a part of every person’s childhood, provided they were born after 1950.  The entire soundtrack is fantastic, although the idea that a jazz album based on an animated special doesn’t seem like a recipe for success.  Yet, it has managed to still be an extremely relevant Christmas album.  What makes it such a great album is the variety, contrasts, and overall excellence in songwriting.  The two tracks it is best known for, Linus and Lucy and Christmas Time Is Here, are almost polar opposites.  Linus and Lucy is an extremely upbeat instrumental, a song that makes it difficult to avoid doing that stupid little head bop along to the music.  I actually prefer this track; the reason I didn’t select it for the list is because it just doesn’t feel as Christmas-y as the other track.  I love the sound of Christmas Time is Here because the music is such a downer.  The vocals, with the droning, vaguely off-key bleating of children is far from perfect.  However, they contrast with the low key jazz number that is backing them up, creating a blend of music that is unique to this soundtrack.

 

Harvey Danger – “Sometimes You Have to Work on Christmas (Sometimes)”

 

Many Christmas songs, even the good ones, fall short because they just feel so generic.  It’s always the same “We’re oh so happy because it’s Christmastime” vibe.  On the other end of the spectrum, many of the more modern songs go with the “I Hate Christmas” theme, in an effort to differentiate themselves.  While there certainly are good songs from both these themes, they tend to fall flat because it doesn’t feel genuine.  Not that I’m getting caught up in the artistic integrity, after all these are Christmas songs, for God’s sake (no pun intended).

 

Sometimes You Have to Work on Christmas (Sometimes) succeeds because it isn’t an utterly depressing tale of someone with nothing to live for on Christmas.  It is a semi-depressing tale told in the first person of someone who, as the title suggests, is working in a movie theatre on Christmas.  It’s the fact that the story being told isn’t completely sad that makes the song relatable; it’s just someone being put in an unfortunate situation on Christmas.  Since feeling like you’re missing out on something during the Christmas season isn’t an altogether rare occurrence, this song hits home in a way that others can’t.

 

 “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy”

 

On the complete other end of the lyrical spectrum (none) is “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy”, part of the Nutcracker Suite.  While the entire Nutcracker Suite is quite good, I’ll be damned if I’m willing to sit through it very often.  The standout for me, as well as many others, is the aforementioned “Dance…”  This is the first of the truly classic Christmas songs on the list, and with good reason.  This is one of the many great songs that, simply due to its ubiquity, gets lumped into the mediocrity of many other “classic” songs.  As far as specific performances go, you can’t really go wrong.  My favorite version is performed by the Royal Concertgebouw Orchestra, which is a fairly standard version, though very slightly more upbeat.  From there, you can get this song in all types of flavors.  The Bolshoi Symphony Orchestra’s version has a much more deliberate pacing, sacrificing performance speed for accuracy and skill.  On the other hand, you have The Vandals, who trade skill for fun.  You can’t go wrong with it; the piece is so well written that nearly any version of it can be enjoyed by nearly anyone listening to it.  It even managed to please the notoriously picky Beavis and Butt-head.

 

Bright Eyes – “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”

 

This is the one instance where I am listing a classic song by a specific artist.  This is because of the fact that I never thought God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen was that great of a song.  However, after hearing the song gutted, sped up, and basically re-imagined by an artist who I have never particularly cared for, it became one of my all time favorites.  On a related note, the Bright Eyes Christmas Album is utterly fantastic.  Like I said, I really do not care for Bright Eyes, or his mumbling, pseudo-folk nonsense.  The Christmas Album, on the other hand, is a very imaginative collection of songs.  This album also contains two other songs on my top 10 (although this song is the only one I consider to be exclusive to Bright Eyes, the other two are great songs in their own right).

 

Paul McCartney –”Wonderful Christmastime”

 

Yes, I’m aware that this is actually one of the most hated Christmas songs ever.  I tend to enjoy Christmas songs with a more depressing feel, even when the message isn’t a depressing one.  I just like the contrast of the happiest time of year, being described in a song that sounds exactly the opposite.  Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney does not fall into that category.  This song is here simply because of how stupidly happy it is.  From the goofy keyboard lines to the simplistic verses and chorus, everything about the song is upbeat.  And if you’re going to go for a happy Christmas song, then go all out.  This isn’t too surprising, coming from the ever-optimist of a Beatle.  As an ulterior motive, I like listing this as one of the best Christmas songs ever simply due to how many people absolutely HATE this song. 

 

 “The Little Drummer Boy”

 

I can’t really explain why I like this song so much.  The lyrics are nothing special, nothing stands out too much about the music, and I don’t think the “pa rum pump um pums” are enough to put it over the top. And yet there it is: number five.  This is one of the songs where there are a lot of different artists who turn in renditions that I really like.  First is the Vienna Boys Choir, who have recorded so many good renditions of Christmas songs that I am able to overcome the creepy overtones that comes with listening to them.  The other two versions are by Low and Bright Eyes.  The Low version is a very plodding, distorted, and sparse version.  It has a very hauntingly reverent sound, which is fitting for many traditional songs, yet often lacking.  The Bright Eyes version features heavily distorted vocals, and a military-sounding drum sample repeating throughout.

 

  The Chipmunks – “The Chipmunks Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)”

 

This, like the Peanuts songs, gains its strength from the fact that I’ve been listening to it since I was a kid.  The reason this song is higher up than Christmas Time Is Here is because I could listen to the Chipmunks Song all day long.  I usually kept listening because I always figured that eventually David Seville would snap and start beating Alvin with a belt. 

Since hearing it, I always wondered what the big freaking deal about getting a hula hoop was, since I never cared for them in the slightest.  With the father figure screaming at Alvin the whole time, as well as lines like, “We’ve been good, but we can’t last / Hurry Christmas, hurry fast,” the song also has a strong Calvin and Hobbes ancestor feel.  It’s a testament to the song, that a “novelty” song can be rightly considered a classic.

 

  “Carol of the Bells”

 

There really isn’t much to say about this song.  No matter who is performing it, it will be good.  It comes in two flavors: vocal and instrumental.  The instrumental is more commonly heard; I also prefer it.  The version with vocals is really good as well, since I rather like their hurried pace.  I like the instrumental version better simply because the song is so good.  The vocals, while enjoyable, distract from the music itself.  Again, while there are certainly better versions than others, it doesn’t really matter who is performing it, it will be good no matter what.  This is also a song that everyone knows, but not everyone knows the name of, so here is a crappy midi file that does the song no justice, in case you’re not sure.

 

  “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”

 

By now, we have established that somber and / or sad Christmas songs are excellent.  The best part about Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas is that it technically isn’t sad.  The lyrics are very uplifting and optimistic.  Yet the entire song is always blanketed in a strong feeling of melancholy.  Unless it is an exceptionally goofy performance of the song (in which case, the performer should be shot), no artist is able to make it feel like a happy song.  The song’s music and mood just have a strong “sad” feeling to it.  Although it could certainly have a more depressing atmosphere.  Sample lyric from the original draft of the song: “Have yourself a merry little Christmas, it may be your last.”  Ho ho ho!

The sparse piano tinkling, the muddy pacing of the music, the often lack of any emotion in the vocals; it has it all.  The blending of emotions from the happy theme being displayed in such a somber, almost morose tone makes for a very unique listen.  Without a doubt, it is my favorite of the “classic” Christmas songs. 

 

  Run DMC – “Christmas in Hollis”

 

Christmas in Hollis is the greatest Christmas song ever written.  It’s not because of its wonderful lyrics about the holiday spirit, it’s not because of its beautiful musical composition, and it’s not because it is the number one favorite of Christmas carolers worldwide (though it should be).  It is the best Christmas song ever written because it is so awesome.  From the moment the beat kicks in after the opening sleigh bells, you can tell this song is going to be fantastic. 

Run starts off by rapping about being in the park on Christmas Eve, seeing Santa, and finding his wallet.  Santa’s wallet apparently contained a million dollars in hundred and, uh, thousand dollar bills, and a license that said “Santa Claus”.  Run, however, would never steal from Santa (cause that ain’t right), so he went to mail it back to him that night.  Although I would never recommend mailing cash.  But when Run got home, he found a note from Santa, saying the million dollars was a Christmas present to him.  Damn. 

DMC then extrapolates on his family’s Christmas menu, including macaroni and cheese (which is served on a spinning table), as well as his household decorations.  The video for this song is fantastic, featuring some of the stupidest and cheapest looking sets found in any music video, ever.  The video allows for the band to actually have fun in a Christmas song, and it actually appears like they are.  The video also involves one of Santa’s elves spying on Run DMC, then stealing Run’s black hat and chains.  In exchange, Run gets an elf hat. 

 

The finale of the video has Run, DMC, and Jam Master Jay coming back to find their presents from Santa: two mics and a turntable.  Awesome.  They rap some more about Christmas, and begin throwing streamers around.  And while describing this video, Butt-head put it best: “Christmas would be cool if it was like this.”

 

Yes, it would.