Of all the parks, the Magic Kingdom changes the least.  Actually, I don’t even know if that is true.  The more accurate way of putting that would be to say “seems to change the least”.  While some are bigger than others, all of the parks go through somewhat regular changes. 

 

With the Magic Kingdom, these changes tend to be something of a drop in a bucket.  When the other parks get a new attraction or a major change is made, it seems like a much bigger deal, since they need the upgrades more.  Of course, this statement is extremely skewed, as the Magic Kingdom is my favorite park.

 

Now that the biased statements and lies have set a promising tone for this Magic Kingdom update, we can begin.  Since this park was last mentioned, a lot has changed.  There have been new attractions and major changes to existing attractions.  Despite these and any other changes that have taken place, the park never feels any different.  The last time I think a ride changing has had a strong impact on the feel of the park was when the 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea Submarine Voyage ride closed.  It was such a unique attraction, and when that left, the atmosphere of Fantasyland changed considerably.

 

Okay, when I said “new attractions”, that was another lie.  There has been essentially one new attraction, the Monster’s Inc. Laugh Floor.    As long as you are not expecting an epic ride or ground breaking attraction, the Laugh Floor is a nice addition to Tomorrowland. 

 

The Laugh Floor’s concept is that instead of collecting children’s screams for energy like they used to, the monsters now collect laughs.  To do this, they gather an audience and perform stand up for them. 

 

Trust me, I was as unimpressed by the concept of a CG character telling dumb jokes as you probably are.  And much of the attraction is exactly that: monsters reciting jokes you would usually find on Laffy Taffy wrappers.  What really makes the attraction succeed is its interaction with the audience.

 

I’m sorry if this ruins any long standing beliefs you may have, but the monsters in the attraction aren’t real.  While they are on screen, the people providing their dialogue are cast members in another room.  The cast members are impressive, as much of the dialogue is obviously improv, as it is a live show and a good portion of that dialogue changes depending on audience reaction.

 

Speaking of audience reaction, the Laugh Floor uses the tried and true method that if something is funny once, it will be funny five times.  Much of the humor comes from the comedians’ consistently referring back to a few members of the audience.  While the jokes may be funny, it’s even funnier to see someone on a big screen who clearly does not want to be on there, or hear someone being interviewed who would much rather be not speaking into a microphone.

 

On our recent trip, I was given the incredible honor of being one of the audience members chosen to play the role of one of the Monsters, Inc. characters on screen.  My character was Mike Wazowski, the one-eyed green monster.  And by “play the role”, I mean I put my hand over one eye to signify that I, like the real Mike, had one eye.  My performance was breathtaking.  I took far too much pride in this, since when you consider the attraction’s turnover, there are probably five Mike Wazowskis per hour.

 

One major disappointment I had with the ride was that they removed one of their banners in the queue area.  When I first went, they had this banner hanging from the ceiling:

 

 

As you can see, it is amazing.  And yet when we went back on our last trip, it was gone.  Granted, I’m sure the only people who noticed were me and maybe three other losers.  However, how can you create something so awesome, and just let it go to waste?  I wonder what they did with it after taking it down.  Some lucky cast member probably has it hanging above their mantel. 

 

This bizarre change is reminiscent of when the “HELP” clown was removed from it’s a small world.  A small, yet terrible change that serves to only ruin people’s day.

 

I also was irrationally disappointed that I got nothing for my efforts.  I figured I would get a sticker of Mike or something, but no.  Oh well, see if I am ever willing to grace their screen with my incredible performance again.  Okay yeah, I would.

 

And there you have it, the only new attraction in the Magic Kingdom.  Bye!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alright, I guess I should expound on some of the other changes, especially since they are rather significant.

 

The reasons they are significant is twofold.  First, the changes themselves were pretty big and secondly, they were done to two of the most popular rides in the park.

 

The first change happened a while ago, which was the addition of Jack Sparrow to the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.  I am a big fan of the first two Pirates movies, and the third wasn’t very good, although their almost constant airing on USA and three different movie channels is starting to wear out their welcome even further.

 

Despite the fact that I am a bit burned out on seeing Pirates (and especially Jack Sparrow) related merchandise everywhere, the change is a good one.  Sparrow’s animatronic moves with alarming fluidity, and looks like a real person.

 

 

 

The other ride that got a major facelift was the Haunted Mansion.  Fortunately, unlike Pirates these changes were not movie-related, so there is no Eddie Murphy animatronic running around.  The whole ride got touched up, with many little changes to be found everywhere.  Some of the changes are much more noticeable, such as now Madame Leona’s crystal ball now floats in mid-air, which is a rather cool effect.

 

The most obvious change is what has become the stairs room, which is something of an approximation of M.C. Escher’s idea.  It essentially is a room with stairs everywhere, leading nowhere, as ghost footprints walk on them.  The concept sounds pretty lame, but when you are going through the room, having them all around you is a bizarre sight.

 

The other change is the attic scene, but it’s kind of dumb.  You see portraits of a bride and groom, but when you pass by, the groom’s head goes away.  This is because the bride, who you see at the end of the scene, has cut his head off.  This could be a cool idea, except the portraits look so goofy (no pun intended), the effect is somewhat ruined.

 

One not very surprising side effect of the changes to the Haunted Mansion was the incredibly long wait times.  Normally, the lines were reasonable, but occasionally throughout the day they would just get ridiculous.  The end of the line went past the left hand portion of the picture.  Keep in mind, that brick building all the way in the back?  That’s where the ride is.

 

 

 

One final, incredible change to the Magic Kingdom is that you can now buy chocolate covered frozen bananas there.  Making it even cooler is apparently people who buy them are part of an elite club, since they aren’t even advertised as being for sale.  Apparently some of the ice cream carts within the park sell them, yet they aren’t on the sign.  The only way to find out where they are is to follow the clues, ask around, and be prepared to do some legwork. 

 

To ease the search, I will let you in on an exclusive: one of the frozen banana locations.  They are following the “hide in plain sight” method, as this cart is in the exact center of the park.  As you are heading up Main Street, it will be on the left when you reach the hub.  Boo yah.

 

 

 

Speaking of food, one topic that needs to be discussed is the Disney Dining Plan.  Basically, you are paying in advance, and get an allotment of different types of meals.  The standard plan gives you a counter service meal (your typical cafeteria-style place), one sit-down meal, and one snack per day.

 

They have toned down what the plan gets you.  When we first got it, the table service included an appetizer, an entree, a dessert, a drink, and tip included.  Now, they don’t include the appetizer or the tip.  Regardless, what this adds up to is way too much food.  The counter service desserts tend to be pretty crappy, but since it’s included, you still wind up eating it.  Every meal involves forcing down more food than you really want.

 

On this plan, you feel like more of a pig than usual.  I don’t know if this is the case for other people (although I’m assuming it is), despite the fact that we knew we’d have giant lunches and dinners, it didn’t stop me from eating candy and ice cream all day. 

 

The most amazing thing about the plan is what they consider a snack to be.  There are plenty of reasonable options: a pretzel, an ice cream bar, a bottle of soda, and so on.  But in the resorts, they have some ridiculous snack options.

 

 

Hungry?  Now you can get rid of that craving by eating six bagels, or maybe a loaf of bread.  Not in the mood?  You can always eat a bag of hot dog buns.  I am a bit disappointed they don’t have Thomas’ Toast-R-Cakes.  Those are amazing, and I can safely say I would eat an entire package of them.

 

 

Got a bit of a sweet tooth?  No problem!  We’ve got just the snack for you: an entire box of donuts.  If you’re not in the mood for a box of donuts, no problem… you can always substitute an entire cake or an eighty four square inch danish.

 

I can’t think of a better way to end this than with that ridiculous display of gluttony.  In summary: the Magic Kingdom is still awesome, and even though I make fun of it I really think offering people twelve donuts as a snack is pretty awesome.

Of all of the parks, Epcot has done the best job of beating me into submission in order to make me appreciate it.  As most people already know, Epcot has the steepest learning curve when it comes to enjoyment.  It isn’t the standard park, where you wander in, go on some rides, buy some souvenirs, and leave after the fireworks.  Granted, you still do all of these things in Epcot, but these activities are interspersed with incredibly varied and more than occasionally strange activities.

 

As I’ve grown older, the Epcot experience has become watered down, as more and more standard rides replace the unique attractions that used to make up the park.  This is an odd situation, as I always used to complain there weren’t enough rides there, and then when there are more, I’m unhappy.  Actually, that’s not too odd; that’s pretty much my standard line of thinking.

 

I’m pretty sure my parents didn’t like Epcot, as I have very little memory of going there compared to the Magic Kingdom, or even then-MGM.  More specifically, the whole concept of Epcot seems like something my dad would absolutely despise due to its heavy handed doses of “environmental hippy nonsense”.  My lack of exposure to the park left me with fragmented memories of what the park used to be like.

 

I remember sitting in a theater and watching video that was meant to be through the eyes of a kid, while you are meant to be sitting inside his brain.  Luckily, it only took a couple minutes on a site dedicated to extinct Disney attractions to discover that this was Cranium Command.  This wonderfully bizarre concept eventually got the axe, presumably because keeping it open conflicted with Disney’s plan to leave the Wonders of Life pavilion closed to the public for years until finally removing it from park maps.

 

The other vivid memory I have is the part with the trolls and going backwards on Maelstrom.  I couldn’t for the life of me think of what ride this would have been on, as I completely forgot they had rides in the part with the countries.  I also remembered a boat ride through a greenhouse,  but I was pretty sure that didn’t involve trolls.

 

Clearly my childhood memories of Epcot aren’t the typical Disney fairy tale-esque memories, as almost all mine involved trolls and children’s brains.

 

Upon returning to Epcot, which was the first time I wrote about it here, I was incredibly unimpressed.  That seemed to be an awkward period, where Epcot was starting to shy away from some of its “Look how cool the future is going to be” theme, and more into more “Look, here’s a ride… just go on it and be happy” territory.  It still doesn’t feel like Epcot has truly settled into whatever new personality the park wants to be.  It has a lot more thrill rides, and still has a lot of educational entertainment, but the balance feels off.

 

That said, I can’t really explain how I came to like Epcot so much.  The cliché among adults is that they love Epcot because you can walk around the World Showcase drinking beer and alcohol from all different countries.  I understand this line of thinking, but it just doesn’t apply to me.  I have no objection to wandering around faux-foreign villages inebriated, but I can’t seem to get into that.  First of all, I don’t even like beer that much.  I hate Guinness and all those other dense beers, and don’t like almost anything that’s vaguely dark.  So I could be drinking one of the best beers to come out of Germany, and I would just be thinking “Ugh, this is thick and cost $16 for the souvenir stein.”  I am not the target market for quality beer.

 

I think one of the main reasons I like Epcot is due to the very imbalance I mentioned earlier.  It has the two things I love most about parks: rides and antiquated-to-the-point-of-stupidity attractions.  On that note…

 

 

You could argue that I have been unfairly harsh on Spaceship Earth, if you consider comparing it to a Ferrero Rocher filled with fecal matter to be harsh.  In all fairness, that comparison speaks mostly to the juxtaposition of the exterior and what’s actually inside.  Spaceship Earth’s building is an incredibly beautiful and simple design, and without a doubt my favorite park icon.  Now that they got rid of that awful wand and “EPCOT” sign hanging off the side and went back to its classic look, it looks even better.

 

What I always found so humorous about Spaceship Earth is that it leads you to believe what is inside is going to be nearly as impressive as the outside.  Instead, what you get is a slow moving trip through history.  This certainly wouldn’t be bad, if not for the fact that the ride animatronics were almost as outdated as the ride’s content.  Kids having webcam conferences to do homework?  Seriously?  Those are the ideals from the mid to late 90’s internet commercials where the parents were downloading information for their kid’s dinosaur report.  A webcam has never been used by anyone for anything educational.  The vast majority of webcam usage is people taking pictures of what they are having for lunch to put on their blog.  No one cares.

 

One other strange aspect of the ride was that it was narrated by Jeremy Irons.  I can see the reasoning,  as he does have an awesome voice, but what kind of future are we headed towards when our journey is narrated by Scar and the bad guy from Die Hard 3?

 

At the same time, I have always love those kinds of so-bad-they’re-good rides.  For example, rides like Escape From Atlantis at Sea World, where the brutally awful sets and magic seahorse-related plot push it over the line from bad to incredible.

 

So when I heard they were updating Spaceship Earth, I was skeptical.  Were they basically just polishing everything up, like the “it’s a small world” update?  As more information on the updates came out, it became clear that this was going to be a huge overhaul.  I had no real hopes for it, as it seemed like there was only so much they could do with it.

 

 

Apparently the anticipation had grown exponentially due to the ride’s long closing for refurbishment.  While we were there, Spaceship Earth almost always had a long wait.  Again, I enjoy Spaceship Earth, but mostly for the wrong reasons.  Even with the ride being closed for so long and even with all of the updates to the ride, it was still strange to see such a long wait for the ride.  It seemed like waiting forty minutes in the sun to go sit in a rigid blue seat and take the SATs.

 

We waited until one of the nights we were at Epcot for dinner, as the line had vanished by that point.  I’ll alleviate the suspense you are surely feeling as to whether or not the improvements to the ride are any good.  Unless I am overlooking something completely obvious, the refurbishment of Spaceship Earth is the single best overhaul of any ride, ever.  No joke.

 

 

What is weird is that while every part of the ride got polished up, the ride didn’t change that much.  The entrance to the ride is still the same, it’s got that same weird mural that looks like it should be painted on the side of a van, and the same sign warning you that the ride is “SLOW MOVING”.  At first, even the ride vehicles look the same.  Then, when you sit down, you’ll notice the new touch screen in front of you.  As it begins, it asks where you’re from, then you get your picture taken as you ascend for the ride.

 

The ride isn’t completely different; the plot is still very similar.  What has changed is that there are new effects, both big and small, turning the ride from a simply looking at animatronic figures to a more full fledged experience.  The new animatronics are much better as well, as they now mostly look and move like real humans.  Instead of the creepy robots with jerky movements, they now look like actual people with creepy realism.  Most of the outdated content has been discarded.  The focal point of the ride is now solely on the history and evolution of how we communicate.  Fortunately, they have no people on webcams or doing other stupid things.  Our “communication in the future” is mostly left up in the air, as the narrator questions how our future will be affected by communication, rather than giving possibilities that will seem ridiculous in five years.

 

Speaking of the narrator, it is no longer Scar.  He has been replaced by Judi Dench, which is a great improvement.  Not only does her voice have great listenability (that is not a real word), we now have our future narrated by M rather than a treacherous lion.

 

As you descend, the screen in front of you prompts you to answer a few questions about what you would like your future to be like.  Questions like would you prefer space or undersea, suburbs or cities, etc, which they use to design your future.  When your future is designed, you see a Flash-esque animation of you in the future, with the cartoon body’s face being replaced by your face, from the picture taken during your ascent.  This may seem mildly entertaining, but the sheer ridiculousness of your not-very-accurately cut out face over the cartoon body and all of the bizarre situations you see as your “future” transform it into a rather surreally hilarious experience.

 

Unfortunately, I am apparently going to die before my future is realized.  I have come to this conclusion since despite going on the ride four times, my face never appeared in the animation.  Amy’s did three out of the four times, so she has a 75% chance of surviving, which seems like decent odds.  I tried positioning my face in different places, and doing everything I could to get my face to show up, but to no avail.  As a result, Spaceship Earth, a ride based on the history of communication and the promise of the future, has left me depressed about the fact that I will not have a future.

 

After the ride, there is a new area with lots of activities, which I was not able to do because they were all taken up by selfish children who think Disney World is meant for them, and not overgrown man-children who whine about it on the internet.

 

The complete, and completely successful, overhaul of Spaceship Earth is not the only difference since the last time I wrote about Epcot.  As good as the new Spaceship Earth is, it is not even close to the best ride in the park, which is Soarin’.

 

Essentially, Soarin’ is a hang gliding simulator.  Yeah, I wasn’t too impressed either when I heard that.  We had tried to go on Soarin’ a few years ago, but due to us foolishly assuming Disney transportation would be remotely efficient, we didn’t make it back to the park in time for our Fast Pass.  And yes, you will require a Fast Pass for this ride.  Unless you get to the park well before it opens, and get on line immediately, there will be at least an hour wait for this ride.  And that is during a down period.  A ninety minute wait is the norm for this ride, but upwards of a three hour wait isn’t unheard of.

 

Usually, when you get a Fast Pass, it tells you to come back in about four hours, and if you don’t get a Fast Pass by 3:00-4:00, they’re most likely gone for the day.  As much as I like this ride, there is no way in hell I would wait on the standby line.  If we can’t get a Fast Pass, we just don’t go on.  For some rides, a longer wait doesn’t seem as bad.  A forty minute wait for Everest isn’t fun, but with the great theming and details of the queue, as well as the line consistently moving, the wait doesn’t feel as bad as it could.

 

On the other hand, the Soarin’ queue is brutal.  At one point, there are video screens, and seemingly people playing video games, but I honestly don’t know what the deal with that is.  You essentially are waiting in an undecorated white room for hours.  Compounding the depressing atmosphere of the queue are the depressed looks on everyone’s faces who realize not only have they been standing in line for an hour, they still most likely have another hour to wait.

 

And when you finally get to the turnstile to be let in?  Another line.  We are having fun now!

 

This turnstile is where they split you up to go to one of the concourses, where you will be let on to the ride (eventually).  When you are ready to go in, you watch a safety and precaution video.  Continuing in the Disney tradition of having famous (in most cases) actors performing the videos, our captain is Patrick Warburton.  Or you may know him better by his real name, David Puddy.

 

Explaining the ride will not come close to justice, but to give some idea of what the ride is like:  You enter a large room that contains a huge screen, and rows of seats that go three benches across and three benches deep.  When the ride is about to begin, the rows lift out and up.  After the lifting is done, there are now three rows of seats, one on top of another.

 

The ride consists of the benches simulating the hang gliding movements and sensations, while fans give the feeling of wind, rushing movement, and even the scents of some of the scenery.  The ride is indescribably immersive, and despite the fact that the concept of the ride borders on stupid, the whole experience is incredible.

 

The other new addition to the park is the fact that The Living Seas has been completely overtaken by Nemo.  This began not so subtly, as large chunks of this area were covered with a thick coat of Pixar a while back.  Despite the fact that Nemo has been ruling over this land with an gimpy orange fist for a while, it didn’t fully hit home until he got his own ride here.

 

 

In terms of enjoyment of the actual ride content, The Seas With Nemo & Friends is on par with Snow White in the Magic Kingdom.  You go on it because it’s there, you are mildly entertained, nothing too amazing, you get off the ride and check off that you’ve done it.  I think The Seas is a much better ride than Snow White, I just have similar reactions to both.  Nemo has some interesting things going for it, the biggest one being the very well done integration of the CG characters with real sea life in the aquarium.  There are a couple other things that raise the enjoyment level of The Seas for myself, but they are due to stupid reasons.

 

 

First off, you enter and exit the ride on a conveyor sidewalk, which for some reason I am a big fan of.  Sometimes, this is my favorite part of the whole ride… on Peter Pan, certainly.  On rides such as the Haunted Mansion, the Tomorrowland Transit Authority, Space Ranger Spin and others, it is simply a wonderful addition to the ride.  Oddly enough, I don’t get into other uses of the conveyor belt, such as while exiting Pirates of the Caribbean, Space Mountain, or the entire lazy cretin people mover system they have at Universal.

 

 

I am also a fan of the ride vehicle, which is a fancy Doom Buggy that looks like a sea shell.  One possible reason is that they vaguely remind me of the Trouble Bubbles from GI Joe.  In case any blue or red laser fire comes near me, but never close enough to pose any real threat (which is how shooting the enemy works, according to the show), I know I’ve got proper shielding.

 

Another reason I like these vehicles is they have no restraints.  I know that if for some reason I wanted to get out and walk around the ride, I could.  And I appreciate being given that trust.

 

An attraction that has gone through major changes that I am not a big fan of is El Gran Fiesta starring the Three Cabalerros.  This is the ride in the Mexico pavilion that used to be El Rio del Tiempo.  This was one of those antiquated rides that was perversely enjoyable due to how dated and strange it was, as well as the fact that the ride was tucked inside a building that made it feel like a secret.  The ride has been completely overhauled, so that now the ride involves the other two caballeros chasing after Donald.  The new ride isn’t bad, but it has certainly lost a bit of its charm.  Also, I just looked it up and apparently Cabalerro means “knight” or “cavalier”, so I don’t really understand the title of the ride or the old movie starring them.  I always assumed it meant “bird”, since that’s what they all are, although “The Three Birds” certainly would sound like a dull movie.

 

 

One thing I have noticed on my last few visits to Epcot is that there are some attractions we just don’t bother with for the most part.  I’ve been on Mission: Space once, and don’t have much desire to go back.  I liked the ride well enough, but apparently not enough to walk the short distance over there, even when the sign says it is a fifteen minute wait.

 

Test Track usually gets attempted, but mostly half heartedly.  If we can get a Fast Pass, sure why not go on?  It is described as the fastest ride in Disney history, but that is like describing something as the most frightening ride in Disney history… there’s not much competition.  This time, we didn’t bother with the ride, as our Fast Passes got blocked out by the ones we got for Soarin’, and we were not about to wait on line for it.

 

While Soarin’s queue is boring, Test Track’s is astoundingly annoying.  You wait inside a building surrounded by crash test dummies and crash equipment, which seems like something I’d prefer to not see before going on a ride that involves being in a car.  All the while, as your patience grows thin from waiting, you are treated to the wonderful melodies of the nonstop CLANG, BANG, and other assorted loud car-related noises.

 

After exiting the ride, you get to see concept cars and other vehicles from GM.  This is an area for real a man’s man, who loves nothing more than a powerful car.  So I tend to breeze right through.  The last time I rode Test Track, they had terminals where you could enter a contest to win a car.  Unfortunately I didn’t win the car, but I did win second place, which turned out to be an advertising email from GM five times a week.

 

Honey I Shrunk the audience is skipped, as is Journey Into Imagination.  For a while, I had really been trying to enjoy Journey Into the Imagination, but I just couldn’t pull it off.  What I realized was that not only did I not like the ride, it genuinely annoyed me.  What was strange was that I continued going on the ride, despite knowing it would annoy me.  Normally, once I get enough momentum on one of those spirals of stupidity, I keep doing the same thing.  However, I am proud to say I now know better, and avoid Figment entirely.

 

Maelstrom also now tends to not draw much interest.  Once we realized that the ride is kind of boring, and keeping in mind the fact that the boat is really uncomfortable, we learned to only go on it if there’s no line.  Unfortunately, the trolls and going backwards only takes the ride so far.

 

There is almost nothing to report on the World Showcase, because if there were any major changes, I either didn’t notice or forgot.

 

Usually on trips like these, I will find random, minute bits of strangeness that keep me far more entertained than they should.  This time, it occurred in the Beatles gift shop in the United Kingdom.  As an obsessive Beatles fan, I love this shop.  That said, what I found most interesting in this shop wasn’t Beatles related.  Although the fact that this shirt was mixed in with Beatles shirt, in a UK gift shop is what I found so funny:

 

 

Other than this, there isn’t much to tell about this trip’s World Showcase experience.  Although before we leave this topic I should mention that the faux-Beatles band, British Invasion that plays in the UK pavilion, should stop playing the song Birthday.  Come on, you have a very limited number of songs to play during your short set, and you pick Birthday?  Bleh.

 

Arguably my favorite part of the whole park is something I have only discovered on one of my recent trips here.  Club Cool, hosted by Coca Cola is a wonderful surprise for people who happen to go in.  I don’t know if you can describe it as a secret, or tucked away, as it is in the center of Future World, with a huge sign on the outside.  Although when you look in, it pretty much just looks like a Coca Cola gift shop.

 

However, when you enter, you see a group of soda fountains in the corner.  These fountains dispense sodas from around the world, for free.  First of all, any time you can get something for free in Disney World, you take it.  It doesn’t matter what it is, you take it.  Second of all, the sodas themselves are quite interesting.

 

As the four or so loyal readers of this site already know, I’m a bit of a soda obsessive.  Therefore one can assume that the end result of weird soda + Disney + free is going to = awesome.

 

 

The flavors also run the gamut of the reasons to try a new soda.  Some are really good, some are really strange, and one is simply awful.

 

Most of the flavors weren’t bad, but not weird enough to be that exciting.  Krest, from Mozambique, was just ginger ale.  Fanta Kolita, from Costa Rica, just tasted like sugar.  Vegita Beta, from Japan, tasted like a much sweeter and thinner V8 Splash.  Smart Watermelon, from China, was intensely sweet, like soda syrup they forgot to add the carbonated water to.

 

There were also some great sodas.  Mezzo Mix, from Germany, was Coca Cola with a bit of orange and was very interesting.  I would certainly buy some twelve packs if they sold them in the US.  Lift, from Mexico, was an apple flavored soda.  Despite the fact that it was apple flavored, it was actually really good.  Finally, Kinley, from Israel, is incredible.  It is a lemon soda, but wasn’t disgustingly sweet, just well balanced and crisp.

 

Speaking of disgusting, the last soda wins the award for the best reactions from the people who drank it.  Beverly, from Italy, was hated by everyone who tried it.  I don’t know if mixing this flavor with other sodas is truly fair, as this soda doesn’t seem meant to be ingested as a thirst quencher.  Apparently you are supposed to drink it to stimulate your appetite before dinner.  Luckily, we as Americans do not need this, as we have absolutely no problem stimulating out appetites for huge portions served on plates the size of hub caps.  The flavor of Beverly reminded me of the bitters you put in alcoholic drink to make them (wait for the surprise) bitter.  In alcohol, it’s nice.  In a non-alcoholic drink?  Horrifying.

 

As awesome as Club Cool is now, I discovered it used to be more awesome.  I found out from AllEarsNet.com that this used to be the entrance.

 

The final two attractions that need to be discussed are attractions that many casual observers would view as rather lame.  The first attraction, I can’t actually argue since I have never been on it.  The map describes Ellen’s Energy Adventure as a forty five minute ride with Ellen DeGeneres.

 

In the last article about Epcot, I touched on what a frightening concept this sounds like.  One of the reasons I know that Finding Nemo is an incredible movie is that it enabled me to enjoy something Ellen was an integral part of.  The smart writing and wonderful animation distracted me and kept me from contemplating just what is wrong with Portia de Rossi that would make her actually want to be married to Ellen.

 

Understandably, I had less than zero interest in this attraction.  Then when I was looking at some old Epcot memorabilia, they had a picture of what the attraction was like.  Apparently, you are in some type of ride vehicle or moving theatre seats, and it involves dinosaurs.  Instantly, my interest in the attraction was raised.  We actually got up the courage to stand by the entrance to the ride, but just couldn’t strike up the nerve to go in.  It’s a hard decision; on one hand you have dinosaurs, on the other hand you have Ellen for forty five minutes.  After standing at the entrance for literally five minutes, we decided we just couldn’t risk it, and left the attraction.

 

The last attraction we come to is one that certainly doesn’t qualify as exciting.  Living With the Land is a slow boat tour that shows you different types of, uh, lands.  After this, you tour a modern greenhouse.

 

This is the ride I remember vaguely as a kid, although only very slightly.  You slowly go through various set pieces, showing a desert, a Midwest house, a rainforest, and possibly something else.  Hey, I don’t charge for this information, so it might not always be that accurate.

 

 

After this, you see modern ways of growing vegetables, and in some cases growing incredibly large vegetables.

 

Despite the fact that most of my interests lie with eating Cup Noodles, cereal, and drinking soda, I like to think the fact that I genuinely enjoyed a ride about vegetables sort of gives me some maturity credit.

 

The biggest problem with this ride is that the narration in the boat is simply not loud enough.  The narrator is speaking at a conversational level, which is normally fine.  However when you have dumb kids asking dumb questions and their dumb parents giving even dumber answers the whole ride, it gets tough to hear.  No, those aren’t gophers you sleeveless shirt wearing mouth breather, they are prairie dogs.

 

The other strange thing about this ride is at the end when they show a bunch of tanks filled with fish.  And when I say filled I mean filled.  These things are jam packed in there (I will spare the “packed like sardines” comparison), just looking miserable and depressed.  So, of course, this is when the narrator says that they serve this fish in the Coral Reef, the seafood restaurant.

 

Finally, whether leaving or entering the park, you still walk past that monument to people who like to waste their money. 

 

Despite the fact that it still doesn’t know entirely what kind of park it wants to be, I continue to like Epcot more and more.  Some people might not believe in such a thing as Disney magic.  However, if you just think that is marketing hype, then you try explaining how a park that contains rides about vegetables and Monks making hand written copies of the Bible still manages to be entertaining. 

Right off the bat, the biggest change for Disney’s Hollywood Studios is the new name.  No longer Disney-MGM Studios, due to an extremely long brewing feud between Disney and MGM.  The short story is MGM allowed Disney to use its name for a soon to be opened movie themed park.  Disney pissed MGM off due to its operating of another movie studio on the park’s grounds, and eventually banned Disney from using its name.  How magical!

 

While the new name might be a bit nicer, I must complain due to the fact that “Hollywood” has way more letters than “MGM”.  At the same time, maybe I can use that as the reason for it taking so long to post this article.  That seems like a good enough reason, right?

 

The last article I wrote about then-MGM studios was a perfect example of how to let bitterness cloud over everything.  I took my unhappiness over the Tower of Terror being closed, and managed to surround everything else I wrote about with it, like some evil Saran Wrap.  In my defense, having that ride being closed with no warning did suck, but I should have tried to be a little more fair to the rest of the park.  Although maybe not, since every normal person knows it is much easier to write while insulting something than while praising it.  Or that might not be what normal people think, I’m not sure.

 

On the complete opposite end of the negativity spectrum, this time when I went into Hollywood Studios with a very positive bias.  The last I was in Disney World was on my honeymoon.  Honeymooners are those people you see, usually wearing the bride and groom ears, looking all happy.  Everyone else is thinking “Hey, no one cares about you.  Take those stupid ears off, you look ridiculous.”  Then as soon as they are on their honeymoon, they are thinking “Hey!  Look at us!  Pay attention to us!  Give us free stuff!”  The transition between those two states of mind is startlingly sudden.

 

I had no problem wearing the ears, since basically you can do whatever you want in Disney World, and you don’t have to worry about looking stupid.  First of all, it is because Disney World is a fortress where unhappy people are not welcome, and are quickly and forcibly removed if discovered.  So, you can feel free to do whatever makes you happy, so long as the Walt Disney Company receives some sort of monetary compensation for your happiness.  Second, you don’t have to worry about looking dumb because no matter what you are doing or wearing, there is someone doing or wearing something even more stupid.

 

Even if you don’t get the bride and groom ears, they give you “Just Married” buttons to wear.  Disney seems to be big on buttons; they have them for people celebrating a multitude of different events: honeymoon, birthday, anniversary, and first visit.  I think wearing a “My First Visit” button seems a bit unnecessary, as you can usually tell who is there for the first time anyway.  They are the people waiting on a 100 minute line for Space Mountain instead of getting a Fast Pass, the people watching that dreadful show that takes place in front of the Castle approximately every ten minutes, or getting to Fantasmic (Hollywood Studios’ firework/stage show) at show time, not realizing the seats filled up about two hours prior. 

 

Cast members go out of their way to make honeymooners happy.  Everywhere you go, you hear “Congratulations!” coming from everyone, until you begin to get a debilitating neck injury from having to keep turning to say thanks.  Of course, being told congratulations is wonderful and all, but the real reason I was wearing my itchy cardboard hat in the Florida summer heat was so I could get free stuff.  We got a fair amount of intangible benefits, including priority seating for a show, and got to skip a lot of ride lines (more on that later).  As great as all that was, without a doubt the best thing we got was free ice cream, basically whenever we wanted. 

 

The concept of getting anything for free in Disney World sounds fictional, but indeed, it is true.  We hadn’t gotten anything for free for the first couple of days, but once we got one thing, they started pouring in.  It started at Animal Kingdom, when I was ordering a frozen banana at one of those ice cream / soda carts they have every ten feet or so.  I had done this a few times already, but instead of paying cash, I used my key to charge it to the room.  They said the machine for charging things was down, but I could just take it, and said congratulations.  Boo yah.

 

After Animal Kingdom got the ball rolling, the other parks seemed to be going out of their way to out do each other.  Oddly enough, we had no luck with free stuff at the Magic Kingdom, but that was okay since Epcot and Hollywood Studios more than made up for it.  It got to the point where if one of us wanted a snack, the other got something too just because it was free.  Eventually, while eating lunch we had cast members walking up to us to give us stuff.  It was incredible.

 

So yeah, Disney does a great job of making people on their honeymoon feel special.  I wasn’t looking forward to the next time I would be back, since I would have to go back to being just another faceless part of the cattle herding through the parks, unloved by cast members.

 

It seems the only type of person they go more out of their way for besides honeymooners is children on their birthday.  I can’t even begin to comprehend how special they would treat a pair of children honeymooning on their birthdays.  It is just too amazing to imagine.

 

Despite the poor experience here I wrote about the first time, I have come back around to being a fan of Hollywood Studios.  This is something of an interesting statement, since it always seems like there is really not that much to do there.  Sure, there are a handful of rides and shows, but it just feels incomplete.  Animal Kingdom is like this as well, but at least Animal Kingdom will fill in some blank spaces with bird exhibits, even though no one cares about birds and just walks right past them.

 

While Hollywood Studios isn’t packed with attractions, that is also a benefit, since it allows you to take in the whole park without having to always feel pressured to move on to the next thing.  This concept isn’t so good if you only buy a one day ticket, and this park is all you can do all day.  However, if you get a Park Hopper ticket, which allows you to go from park to park whenever you want, it’s nice.

 

While I have been on it many times since then, the depressing ending of my first article about this park now has a happy epilogue regarding the Tower of Terror.  And as far as happy endings go, this one is a good one.  On the honeymoon, we had already gone on the ride a few times before the day of awesomeness occurred.  We were heading over to the Tower to grab a Fast Pass, when we were stopped by a cast member who told Amy he had been looking for her and there was someone on the phone waiting to talk to her. 

 

Normally, this type of confrontation with someone would frighten you until you were able to get a safe distance away from them, and even then you’d be looking over your shoulder for a while.  However, since this was happening in Disney World, we were happy to go along with it.  Apparently the “call” for her was a recording of various characters congratulating her.  And while I have no problem giving in to Disney goofiness (no pun intended), listening to that call would have been a bit much for me, so I’m glad I wasn’t passed the phone.

 

After a quick chat with the guy, whose name was Kirk, we headed over to grab our Fast Passes.  Unfortunately, the return time for the Fast Pass was for a time after we had to leave the park, so we didn’t bother getting one.  While heading back from the ride, we put on our best ‘defeated’ faces, and Kirk took the bait.  And while I do admit I don’t like the idea of tricking possibly the nicest guy I have ever met in my life, sometimes you just have to push the situation in your favor a bit.

 

We assumed he would just give us a Fast Pass, and we would go on our merry way, onto the ride.  Instead, Kirk walked us through the back entrance of the ride, and handed us off to one of the cast members working on the ride, whose official title was Bellhop Ross.  At first, it was a little odd interacting with Ross; he actually seemed like he wanted us to be happy, just like in the commercials.  Of course, we had never run into someone like this at Disney World.  We had met a lot of people who smiled and talked in a sing-song voice, but actually seeming interested in us?  Truly, truly shocking.

 

He led us through some back corridors and through a (real) elevator to get us onto the ride, all while being incredibly friendly and talking us up.  When we were finished with the ride, he was waiting for us, and gave us a card.  It was a little souvenir Tower of Tower card that he had filled out with our last name.  I couldn’t for the life of me remember how he had gotten our last name, since I didn’t remember saying it.  I was a little frightened, but mostly impressed.  After that, he asked if we wanted to go back on the ride, to which we agreed.  It was mostly me agreeing to go back on, but Amy agreed as well, since she knew if she didn’t go on I would have sulked for the rest of the day.

 

After the second time through, it was a bit much for her stomach, so that became our final ride on the Tower for the day.  Ross then handed us a handful of Fast Passes to use during the rest of our trip, and told us if we came back later that day to ask for him, and he would let us right back on.  Ross is awesome.

 

 

Our luck had not ended there, as we ran into Kirk on the way out of the park.  He told us he wanted to make sure we were able to see everything in the park so he gave us more Fast Passes.  While talking to him, I noticed on his name tag his official job title was “Dream Giver”.  If there is any job title that sounds cooler than that, I have yet to see it.

 

Okay, enough flashbacks.  The current Hollywood Studios didn’t change much at all since the last time I was there, but it has changed since I last wrote about it.

 

 

Since I have yet to actually describe the ride itself, I should start with the Tower of Terror first.  The good news is that after the great disappointment of it being closed the first time I reviewed the park, the ride more than lives up to its reputation.  I always thought it would basically be an indoor version of Free Fall at Six Flags Great Adventure.   Of course after going on the ride, I remembered why Disney is Disney and Six Flags is… kind of dirty.

 

Granted, Tower of Terror isn’t that much more than an indoor free fall ride, but the little extras truly set it apart.  Besides the details actually making it look like an elegant but abandoned hotel, the visual trickery and details within the ride itself are almost enough to warrant waiting on the usually long line (although I do stress almost).  What I found most surprising the first time I went on the ride is that the elevator shaft you initially ascend is not the actual shaft you will be in during the falling and rising.  While this moving of the elevator around inside the attraction adds more depth to the ride, I must say I kind of wished the elevator I would be plummeting in was fully secured from the get-go. 

 

As you were probably able to guess, I didn’t die, so the ride is safe, despite the elevator commute.  One significant change the ride has gone through is the rapid ascents and descents are random, so each ride will be a different experience.  Unfortunately, this means you will occasionally get a weak sequence, where you only drop a little bit before going up a little and so on.  You are guaranteed at least one good drop per ride (for the opportunity to sell you a $25 picture of you on the ride, of course), but after that one big drop, you never know what the rest of the ride will be like.

 

The other big ride in the park is the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster, which I have mentioned before.  For the record, I’m not going to do that ‘n’ anymore… it’s annoying. 

 

I always think the Rock & Roller coaster sucks, but then when I go on it I have a good time.  I’m sure the main reason I have low expectations is mostly due to the presence of Aerosmith.  The ride always gets off to a rough start because I start over-analyzing the pre-show.  You walk into a recording studio where Aerosmith is mixing some songs before a concert.  (Spoiler alert: they aren’t actually there; it’s a movie screen… sorry to ruin the surprise.)  It actually gets off to a good start, since the guitar line playing when you walk in is from Walk This Way.  That is, until you start wondering why they would be recording a song that was released decades ago.  Are they doing an updated version?  DMC can’t even rap anymore, so that wouldn’t work. 

 

The pre-show only goes downhill from there, but the good news is the ride itself is always better than I give it credit for.  Although I do take issue with the ride’s usage of the phrase “Traffic jammed… NOT!”

Leaving Rock & Roller Coaster, we came upon a truly depressing sight.  The turkey leg booth opened at eleven, and it was nearly time to open.  Despite the fact that the booth was closed and all the windows were shut, there was a line of over ten people.  Just standing there waiting for turkey legs.  How badly do they need these?  I laughed at that, but it was that BBC version of The Office kind of laughter mixed with sadness and depression.

 

One attraction that is no longer with us is “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?… Play it!”  I’m not sure if  the punctuation in that name is accurate, I know there were some ellipses in there somewhere, but I must admit that looks a bit odd.  I didn’t love Millionaire, but I certainly had no issues with it.  Even if I don’t go in them frequently, I’m a big fan of any attraction that takes a lot of people.  Because the more people in those attractions, the less people walking around bothering me.

 

Millionaire’s replacement is not yet open, but it looks promising.  Toy Story Mania is a shooting ride similar to the Buzz Lightyear ride or Men in Black.  There are also 3D glasses involved somehow.  This ride needed to be created because Hollywood Studios was falling drastically short of their quota of Pixar related attractions.  This will be the first Pixar attraction for Hollywood Studios, while every other park has at least two. 

 

As much as I love Pixar movies, I only begrudgingly welcome all their attractions to the park.  Although on the other hand, the last time Disney made a push to have one of their new, non-Pixar characters in the park, we wound up with Stitch all over the place.  So I guess when it’s put that way, I’m more than happy to see Pixar characters.  Although I am surprised that Disney never created a ride based on their blockbuster hit Home on the Range.  Some real missed opportunity there.

 

I will stop wasting your time, and get to what we all really want to talk about: The Great Movie Ride.  Here is an update since the last article: it is still terrible.  I continue to go on it… I continue to look forward to going on it.  Then, as soon as the car starts moving and it’s too late to get out, I remember the ride sucks.  The power Disney has shown over the human mind is impressive, but not all powerful.  They are able to erase your bad memories of this ride so you want to go on it again, but it is not completely effective.  You never want to go back on the ride in the same vacation.  However, next time you are there, it’s all “Hey, Great Movie Ride!”

 

In the “We Do Learn Our Lesson Sometimes” department, Sounds Dangerous! starring Drew Carey was skipped over with extreme prejudice.

 

 

The Lights, Motors, Action show is one of the better additions to the park in a while.  My biggest complaint about shows is that since they only run certain times during the day, you wind up revolving your schedule around them.  Even still, this show is certainly worth seeing.  It has all the elements of a typical stunt show: gratuitous explosions, shooting, punching, and bad comedy.  The obvious difference here is the addition of cars.  Much of the show involves watching little cars drive around dangerously and loudly, while trying to cut one car off and make it crash.  This is very similar to driving on Long Island, except Lights, Motors, Action involves custom built cars driven by talented drivers, unlike on Long Island which tends to be people who spike the back of their hair driving Honda Civics with dragons drawn on the doors.

 

Muppet Vision 3D is another good attraction.  And since I warmed you up with that wonderfully descriptive introduction, I will elaborate.  Muppet Vision is, as you already guessed, a 3D attraction.  The queue area is absolutely crammed with little details and hidden jokes, so if you don’t want to watch the introductory video again (which itself is very funny), you can look around for things you haven’t seen before.  I always make the fact that I’m a loser quite evident as soon as I walk in.  At the entrance, there is a box office with a sign saying the key is under the mat.  If you check under the mat below the window, there will be a key.  Even though there is always just a key there, I look.  I don’t know why, maybe I’m assuming there might be some prize below the mat for people who think to look.  I have contemplated stealing the key as a souvenir, but it is just a normal looking key so the collector’s value is pretty low.  Also, it would be a bit of a jackass move.

 

The show itself is quite enjoyable.  They make it more than just a 3D movie, as there are animatronic characters in the theater with you, as well as a ‘real’ character walking around at one point.  Without a doubt, the best part of the attraction is in the opera booth of the theater, where Statler and Waldorf are sitting.  I would be fine if there was no 3D movie, and it was just them insulting things for twenty minutes.  On the flip side, the absolute worst thing about this attraction is Miss Piggy.  I hate her.

 

In the “Thank God For Small Favors” department, the “Harbor Attack” part of the Backlot Tour, where people from the crowd act out a scene, was not performed due to the cold weather.

 

Despite having been to Hollywood Studios a good number of times, as well as being a Disney nerd, I don’t think I have ever done Walt Disney: One Man’s Dream until the last time I was here.  This walk through attraction first tells the story of Walt Disney’s life, with pictures and artifacts from his life.  As the timeline goes on, more and more memorabilia from the Disney company is put on display.  Some of these items are truly interesting, including animatronic models that you can (sort of) control.  After this very comprehensive tour, there is also a documentary movie at the end.  Whether you are a Disney nerd or just somewhat interested, this quick film is very entertaining, moving, and (dare I say) moving.

 

While we are on the subject of hidden gems in the park, The Magic of Disney Animation is another great attraction that a lot of people don’t bother with.  Until recently, this included me.  I know I have done this when I was a kid, but I didn’t remember it at all.  The attraction is made up of many different parts.  First, you are shown how characters evolve during the creative process by one of the Disney animators.

 

The character they are discussing is Mushu from the movie Mulan.  While this part was enjoyable enough, I’ve got to figure Disney is pretty unhappy with Eddie Murphy.  I’ve never seen Mulan and never will because it looks awful.  Murphy also made the Haunted Mansion, which did terribly.  Adding further insult, Murphy does Shrek, which wound up being ridiculously successful.

 

As a preface to the next section of the attraction, I should clarify one thing.  Every time you see a commercial for a Disney park, they always show some little kid running up to Mickey and giving him a hug.  As anyone who has recently attempted to get a picture with Mickey knows, that is a complete fairy tale.  And not the good kind of fairy tale, like Disney encourages.  The kind of fairy tale that has its image of running up and hugging Mickey running through your mind, as you wait on a ninety minute line in order to have a picture taken with him.  While there is a line to get a picture with almost any character, a picture with Mickey will invariably have the longest line.

 

His popularity is obviously due largely to his ubiquity in all things Disney.  I like Mickey well enough, but I almost like him by default.  You see ears on everything (and almost everyone) in the parks.  Should you stay in a Disney resort, your whole day revolves around him.  After a long day in the parks, you see his face on the soap and shampoo.  When you get a wake up call at six in the morning, he is calling you.

 

So for those people who truly love the Disney parks (and despite my pissing and moaning, I do), you associate Mickey with the good times you have.  Do I like Mickey?  Not really.  I mostly like what he represents. 

 

The easiest way to get a picture with Mickey, or many other characters, is to go to a character breakfast or dinner.  I’m a big fan of these.  I’ll touch on these at a later point, since my favorite ones take place at other parks.  But since we’ve already covered Animal Kingdom, I guess I can mention that.  Also, this will get us back to the original point, which is something I am rarely able to do, so I’m going for it.

 

The only character meal I have done at Animal Kingdom is Donald’s Breakfastosaurus (there is no way spell check is going to let me get away with that).  It got off to a good start because Donald is running it.  Mickey always gets all the glory, but Donald is far superior to him.  Donald rarely catches a break; the attraction in the Magic Kingdom is called Mickey’s Philharmagic, even though Donald is the main character for 95% of the show.  Granted, it is Mickey’s orchestra, but who cares?  We are being entertained by Donald, not you Mickey, you attention starved egomaniac. 

 

The breakfast itself was pretty good.  There was one dish that combined all of the unhealthiest aspects of diner breakfasts into one convenient slop.  It involved hash browns, melted cheese, sausage, and some other ingredients made up solely of fat and salt.  It was delicious.

 

At these character meals, even if the food isn’t that great it’s okay, because you are being treated to the truly American way of meeting characters.  Instead of standing on your feet to wait in line, the characters come up to you while you are sitting and eating. 

 

This was actually the only character meal we’ve done that Chip and Dale were not part of.  They are certainly the hardest working characters in the business.  They may not have lines out the door to meet them like Mickey, but they are busting their tails at about five simultaneous restaurants, all while walking around the parks and doing parades.  What the Breakfastosaurus had that made it great was Donald and Mickey. 

 

The only problem is you don’t get them in their classic outfits.  All the characters are wearing jungle attire.  I certainly understand why this is, for a couple reasons.  First of all, they are in the jungle, so their dress is appropriate.  More importantly, if people are going to multiple character meals, while taking character pictures elsewhere, no one wants Mickey in his normal outfit all the time. 

 

It is like when they release a new line of Batman toys.  After they make regular Batman, they can’t just keep releasing plain Batman.  Kids buy one normal Batman, and that’s it.  That is why by the time a toy line has reached a few months old, you start seeing “Deep Sea” Batman and “Wild West” Batman.

 

So despite my sadness at being unable to get a picture with classic Donald and Mickey, it was still good to get an easy picture with the two characters with the longest lines.

 

Hoooooly crap that was a long setup for this next part of the attraction.  Which is The Magic of Disney Animation, in case you forgot (which is understandable).  After we exited the studio with the animator, we walked into a large room filled with what looked like a lot of activity stations.  What immediately seemed odd was out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mickey in his sorcerer outfit from Fantasia just standing there.  It was the strangest thing I have ever seen.  Mickey was standing in front of a backdrop, obviously ready to pose for pictures, yet he had no line.

 

There had been too much time wasted, already the little kids had started to notice him.  We ran over, and after a two minute wait, we had our elusive picture with Mickey.  Success!

 

 

I have since found out that this is usually a meet and greet area for various characters; however they tend to be much lower down on the Disney food chain.  I am not suggesting Mickey eats the characters (although I have never seen any characters from Fox and the Hound in the parks…hmmm), I guess popularity hierarchy would be a better term.  They still had a backdrop for Ratatouille up, so I am assuming those are the other characters that populate this room.

 

Besides a character photo, there is a fair amount to do in this room.  They’re all activity stations, and a lot of them were stupid.  One was essentially the paint bucket function from MS Paint, where you could make Disney characters wacky colors.  Or just be boring and make Flounder yellow.  There was also a “Which Disney Character Are You” booth which sounded cool but wound up being kind of lame.  They take your picture to start, so I thought they would morph you into that character at the end.  I’m not sure why they need your picture; it’s never used for anything.  The booth itself is a glorified version of those Quizilla polls you see on Myspace.  I wound up getting Cogsworth from Beauty and the Beast (what the hell?).  I wasn’t happy with that, so I did it again, putting in all the jerk answers, and wound up getting Scar from The Lion King.  I was satisfied with that.

 

The most fun activity allowed you to dub your voice over a scene from various movies.  People always say you never realize how stupid your voice is until you hear it recorded.  To clarify, that should be extended to say recorded while acting out cartoons.  I found out I do a terrible job of being Jafar, Scar, and one of the characters from Bambi. 

 

Finally, the last portion of this attraction allows you to follow along with an animator, as they show you how to draw a Disney character.  I was hoping for an interesting character, but no, we had to draw Mickey.  This wouldn’t have been such a problem except for the fact that I spent more than half the time just filling in the shading, and I still wasn’t even able to finish.

 

Our animator was sort of annoying, but was completely awesome in an unintentional way.  She brought up Hidden Mickeys, which are pretty self-explanatory, but they are Mickey heads hidden all over Disney World.  Not like, decapitated heads, just the silhouette.  The animator asked if anyone had seen some good ones, and some kids started answering.  After someone mentioned a Hidden Mickey they had seen, the animator snapped, “That’s not a Hidden Mickey!”  It was great.

 

I do realize we are treading in dangerously positive waters, so now it is time to mention the worst thing in the park that isn’t Sounds Dangerous!  I don’t want to build up the suspense too much, so to be clear: the Beauty and the Beast show is awful.  To be fair to it, I am not comparing it to the Broadway show.  Both versions had their pros and cons.  The pro for the Disney World version is that I had good leg room, whereas on Broadway I had about six square inches.  The pro for the Broadway version is that it isn’t a complete disgrace where the only entertainment comes from laughing for the wrong reasons.

 

 

The show is essentially the movie while pressing fast forward.  Of course you can’t have the entire story take place, you have to cut some things out or speed up some process.  On the other hand, Nemo abbreviated its story very well, all while adding in songs.  Beauty and the Beast was like watching a sitcom where they speed up the film so they can get a house clean really fast.

 

Possibly the best/worst part was the fact that the Beast looked and acted like a giant stuffed animal.  The parts where he is fighting were almost identical to when you were a kid and would take your stuffed lion, shake it and go “RAAAWWWR!”  Actually, I think that would be a little more intimidating than the Beast.

 

I am glad I saw this show, mostly because now I can say I have, and there is less in the park I have never done.  I am also glad I saw the show because despite the fact that it was horrible, it was incredibly entertaining.  Just not in the way they were hoping for.

 

Finally, the most appropriate way to end the day at Hollywood Studios is by seeing Fantasmic.  We didn’t on our last trip, because we saw it the last couple of times we went.  Seeing Fantasmic is different than any other fireworks show in the other parks.  It is different for obvious reasons, since it is more than just fireworks.  However, with other fireworks shows, you kind of just find a good enough spot, and you’re set.  With Fantasmic, you have to get there perversely early.  The tram drivers advise getting there forty five minutes early, but I think that is cutting it close.  People get seats for Fantasmic hours before it starts.  You can not imagine how fast it fills up and what chaos it becomes until you actually go.

 

As far as the show itself, it is very impressive.  It combines live characters with fireworks and explosions.  Or am I making that up?  I thought there were explosions… maybe just fireballs?  Should I actually look into this and find out the correct information beforehand?  Nah.  Let’s just say there were explosions.  Lots of them.

 

One thing I know for sure they have are water screens.  These are incredibly awesome.  They are made up of a thin sheet up water spraying up, while video is projected on them.  I am now wondering why I take so few pictures at this park.  I have gigabytes worth of pictures from the other parks, yet the Studios only seemed to inspire a handful of them, resulting in this rather obnoxious overload of text.  Although I have been known to read a book or two that doesn’t contain pictures, so it is quite possible to finish reading this article.  Don’t give up!

 

I’m not actually sure what the story of Fantasmic is.  I know Sorcerer Mickey comes out, then there are villains everywhere, including Jafar as the huge cobra from the end of Aladdin, Mickey does some zapping and dancing, then everything is happy.  One of the best touches is at the end, when lots of characters float around the moat surrounding the stage.  One of the floats is the big steamboat from Steamboat Willy, being driven by a black and white Mickey.

 

After the show is over, the fun is just beginning.  Now you get to survive the exit!  Leaving Fantasmic is another one of those experiences you need to be a part of.  It builds your character.  It is thousands of people all being funneled through a small exit path, while moving excruciatingly slowly.  I’m quite sure you could just stand still, and eventually just be swallowed up by the mob and carried to the exit. 

 

It is quite clear that this park is much better than it was the last time I wrote about it, which was four years ago.  This is mostly due to the fact that Tower of Terror was not closed, as well as the addition of a few attractions, and also going on attractions that we didn’t the first time.  Although technically those attractions were open the first time as well, so that’s so much an improvement as it was me choosing to do them this time.  However, I’m fine with ignoring any logic that hinders my argument, so we’ll just skip over that last point and end it here.

As anyone who has ever been to Disney World already knows, a trip there is not relaxing.  Many people choose vacation spots that involves sleeping late and lounging on a beach while working on their tan.  I prefer waking up at 6:30 in the morning, then walking in the heat for twenty miles a day while my skin burns.  I should clarify: I don’t prefer to wake up at 6:30… ever.  I don’t mind being awake at 6:30, but that is usually because I am about to go to sleep at that time.  Unfortunately, when going to Disney World at a busy time, you have to do whatever it takes to avoid crowds.

We went there on the Friday before Easter, and left the Friday after.  This, as you might know if you’ve been to Disney World during Easter (or have common sense), is a very busy time.  Exacerbating this problem was the last time we were there, we were on our honeymoon so we stayed in a nicer hotel, the Beach Club.  While it isn’t a five star hotel or anything, as far as Disney Resorts, it is a very nice one.  Another wonderful aspect was that it was located right next to Epcot, and the walk from our room to the rear entrance of the park was literally a five minute walk.

To avoid being extra poor after this trip, we downgraded our accommodations to the All Star Movies resort.  Although I think that name stretches the concept of “resort” a bit.  I don’t actually hate the All Star resorts, they serve their purpose nicely.  They give you a bed, a bathroom, and a TV so you can watch “The Top Seven Must See Attractions at Walt Disney World” on repeat.

 

I’m not going to knock the All Stars; they’re still fun to be in.  All Star Movies is without a doubt the best of them, since they are all decked out in Disney movie paraphernalia everywhere, including huge statues of characters from Toy Story, 101 Dalmations, The Mighty Ducks, and Fantasia 2000.  There’s also some Herbie the Love Bug stuff, but quite frankly I can’t fathom anyone having even the most remote of interest in that.

You can clearly see how huge the statues of Perdita and Buzz are; they stand as tall as a three story building.  To give a sense of scope to the Ducks mask, you walk under its bill with plenty of height to spare.  Although when you stay in Disney World, you expect big bills.

 

I’m sorry, that was awful.  That was the type of joke you would expect to find on a Laffy Taffy wrapper or a Popsicle stick.

Theoretically, you also gain access to Disney Transportation, which are buses that will take you anywhere in Walt Disney World.  However, the idea of a busing system from one of the most crowded resorts during one of the busiest times of year seemed like a horrible concept.  Luckily, staying at a Disney resort also gives you free parking for your car.

While we are discussing the amenities of staying at a Disney resort, we can tie this in nicely with our original point.  Guests of Disney resorts gain the privilege of being in the parks during Extra Magic Hours.  Basically, every day one park opens an hour earlier, just for resort guests.  Also, a different park stays open up to three hours later after closing (on some days, the Magic Kingdom is open for 20 straight hours).  We lucked out, as the week we were there the Magic Kingdom was open an hour early almost every single day.  While getting up early is an awful concept, especially on vacation, it is well worth it for the Magic Hours.

The earlier to a park you get there, the less crowds there will be.  So when you can get there at the earliest possible time, as well as not have non-resort plebeians there for the first hour, you get a lot done.  Even after that hour is up, it still takes a while for the regular crowds to trickle into the park, so you get a lot of time in the parks with light crowds.  Combine those light crowds with some strategic Fast Passes, and you are well on your way to getting stuff done.  This never seems to be the case as much with the evening hours.  While the crowds are definitely lighter, more people are willing to stay late in a park than get there early, so they don’t thin as much as you would like.

Despite the fact that this was literally the busiest I have ever seen Disney World, we were able to get everything done during the morning hours.  The biggest down side to this was that the mornings were very cold.  While calling high 40’s to low 50’s in March “cold” may make me sound spoiled, you kind of assume it’s always going to be some kind of warm in Disney World.  The temperature wasn’t really a problem, as it is actually a nice change to not be walking around the parks wiping sweat away with those recycled brown napkins.

As far as discussing the parks go, it won’t be in any specific order.  We wound up doing a lot of park hopping, since due to the crowds we wound up doing a few things at each park and when it got too crowded, we went somewhere else.  I’ll try to keep this in some sort of order without too many tangents, but I make no promises.

We will begin in Animal Kingdom because, well, it’s the park I like writing about least.  For me, Animal Kingdom has never felt “complete”, but I can’t really explain why.  I like the park a lot, but something has always felt just a bit… off.  It has a handful of great attractions, a handful of mediocre ones, good shows, and some amazing theming.  Probably my biggest gripe with the park is how it is laid out; it seems like getting anywhere is a huge hassle.  That could be all in my head, I don’t know, but walking around this park annoys me.

Even the parking lot seems off.  We wound up parking on a patch of grass, like we were going to a county fair, where the sideshow attractions were the roundest tourists in the world. 

When thinking about what’s new here since I last did an article, I realized that it has been quite a while since the last Disney World story, since there is a lot of new stuff since last time.  Such as, uh, the whole park.

Okay, so it’s not so much “new” as it is I never actually covered it.  And I will, someday.  But today is not that day.  This recap will highlight the newer attractions (and in the case of one of the shows, new to me at least).

First and foremost, the newest and best attraction in Animal Kingdom is Expedition Everest.  The first time I rode this was over a year ago, and admittedly, I didn’t think it was that great.  From the hype this ride was getting, it seemed like the ride was going to be one of the most amazing things ever.  After the first couple trips on it, I liked it, but was a bit underwhelmed.  Then when I went back last year, I knew what to expect, and wound up loving the ride.

 

While nothing comes close to touching their theming of a ride, Disney has never done the actual roller coaster portion of a ride as well as some of their competitors.  This is an important thing to know going into a Disney coaster.  It may not melt your face off with intensity, but it will be awesome regardless.  Everything about Everest is extremely well done.  The quantity and depth of the details of the queue are incredible.  They definitely make waiting for the ride much more bearable.  That is, except for the portion of the queue that has wind chimes, which every single jackass waiting on line smacks, causing you to have to listen to them over and over and over.  The problem here is that unless you are the one making the noise, it is incredibly annoying.  Meanwhile, the people involved find it all sorts of hilarious.  The same concept goes for that same section of the park with the bongos.  Stop it.  Come to think of it, this same principle applies to people playing Guitar Hero.  You may think that everyone is interested in watching you, but they’re not.  It is terribly boring to watch people play that game.

The housing of Everest is another thing that is done very well; the mountain itself looks great.  As far as the ride goes, like I said it isn’t the most amazing thing ever, but it is a lot of fun, with some unique twists such as the trains going forwards, then backwards, then forwards again over the span of the ride.  Finally, the animatronic of the Yeti is unbelievable.  Simply put, it is the absolute best animatronic I have ever seen.  It is huge and moves alarmingly fluidly, so when it swipes at you, you always duck back even though you know it is fake and will always miss you.

Two other things I have yet to mention here are the shows at Animal Kingdom.  I will not discuss Pocahontas and her Animal Friends, because I have never seen it and never will.  Without wasting words (I’ll do plenty of that elsewhere), Finding Nemo the Musical is amazing.  The term “Broadway quality” gets thrown around a lot, even for things that clearly aren’t.  Actually, I don’t know if that’s really true.  I can’t really think of something else that I’ve heard described as “Broadway quality”.  However, Finding Nemo has been, and that phrase is certainly accurate.

 

Granted, its 40 or so minute running time would be need to be extended a bit for Broadway, but the content and performance of the show is simply incredible.  Two impressive feats it pulls off is implementing music into a non-musical movie.  This is done very well, and the songs themselves are great.  I’ve seen the show twice, and while there were different performers for his part each time, the vocals for Crush were fantastic.  It also manages to fit the entire plot of the movie into an abbreviated time frame, but never feels rushed.

 

While I feel a bit odd gushing over a musical, it simply is that good.  Without a doubt, I place this right behind Everest for best attraction in the park.  And yes, that does mean ahead of the safari.

The other big show is Festival of the Lion King.  While it isn’t on the same level as Finding Nemo, I liked it a lot.  It’s a bunch of big animal animatronics, some singing characters, and acrobats. There are also some random costumed people walking around that basically just fill up space.  The problem with them is since they don’t really have anything to do, they wind up looking at you a lot, and it is quite awkward.  I then feel pressured to be visibly entertained, like I am in the audience of an infomercial.

The worst part of the show is the fact that Simba kind of sucks in it; he mostly just sits there.  I’m assuming the festival is supposed to be in honor of him, which is why he does essentially nothing.  While many kings tend to be figure heads that do essentially no leading, I assumed the animal kingdom’s leaders would take a more active role.  Instead, Simba just sits there without even looking like a king, due to the fact that his long, disgusting mane makes him look like an roadie for Skid Row.

 

There wasn’t too much at Animal Kingdom I hadn’t already done before.  The Kilimanjaro Safaris was better than usual, since almost every animal was out.  The poaching plot is still dumb.  Granted, I know I’m not on a real safari, but they are real animals so having the fake plot lowers the enjoyment of the ride for me a bit.  I heard they are doing away with the plot, and the sooner the better.  But again, we will get into that in more depth at another time.

 

And that about wraps it up for Animal Kingdom.  I’m hoping they keep adding significantly to the park.  With some of the big attractions like Everest, Kilimanjaro Safaris, Finding Nemo, and a few others, Animal Kingdom definitely can’t be skipped.  However, until some more tweaks are done, it never seems to give a full park experience.

 

Sorry to end on somewhat of a down note, but this story is To Be Continued.  If I learned anything from Growing Pains or 7^th Heaven, it is that we have to end the first act on a suspenseful and/or sad note.  This will make the exciting conclusion that much more intense.  Also, I couldn’t really think of any amusing way of finishing this.

Before going on my recent Orlando trip, I debated whether or not I would document it.  The decision to not write about it won out, on some sound reasoning.  I’ve already done it three times, with varying degrees of lengthiness and entertaining…uh, ness.  That was my official reasoning, although I never got around to releasing the formal statement regarding it.  Secretly (well, not any more) I just didn’t want to carry my camera with me. 

 

I do, however, feel the need to mention something I haven’t really seen discussed in depth, much to my surprise.  This would be the unspecified changes to “it’s a small world.”  When I was last at Disney World, the ride was closed.  I wept in privacy.  I recovered fairly quickly, since the ride’s closing had been announced long before the trip, and wasn’t a last minute closure. 

 

The refurbishment period was a rather lengthy one, and I wasn’t sure what was happening with it.  All I knew was that the characters and sets were getting some new coats of paint, and other similar tweaks.

 

So, when the time came to finally go on the ride, the anticipation had reached a boiling point.  And I obviously wasn’t the only one who felt this way, since the sign read “20 Minute Wait.”  HUH?  Twenty Minutes?  On a ride that I can’t remember seeing anything but a zero minute wait, this was quite a shock.  And from what I have heard, this wasn’t even terribly long for Small World 2K5.  When it reopened, the ride had lines reaching the sixty minute mark.  And to that I say: it’s about damn time.  

 

It’s been around since 1964.  It has arguably the most memorable song of any ride, ever; even Disney World’s official site dares you to try to shake it out of your head.  And finally, the most important trait for rides of a non-thrill variety:  it has the greatest polarity of any attraction’s love / hate reaction from its riders.

 

Disney has quite a few attractions like this, where they are clearly classics and deserve their place in amusement park history, but in modern times, they seem somewhat out of place.  The reactions to these types of attractions such as it’s a small world, Carousel of Progress, or Hall of Presidents tend to provoke reactions at each end of the spectrum of love it or hate it.  I like all of these attractions, occasionally for some of the attractions’ good qualities, but mostly because their bad qualities are so ironically entertaining.  Carousel of Progress’s antiquated animatronics and old sitcom dialogue are what makes it so amazing.  The Hall of Presidents’ over the top dramatics and tongue out of cheek narrative is perversely interesting.  And, of course, it’s a small world’s annoyingly catchy music, outdated everything, and mildly racist themes make it one of the true classic rides in any amusement park.  It doesn’t have to change anything for you; it will remain as stupid and ignorant as ever, and you will still love it.  Well, you may not love it, but you will still ride it.

 

During the wait in line (officially the first time I have ever said that in regard to this ride,) I noticed some of the additions to the ride.  They added a big clock, where the face tilts left and right incessantly.  The face of the clock is similar to the one on the outside of it’s a small world in Disneyland.  I don’t know how often it does it, but the clock opened triumphantly, revealing the current time. 

One ride change is that it now loads two boats, where it used to only load one at a time.  However, that’s pretty uninteresting.   

During the ride, there didn’t seem to be any character changes, but the repainting of the characters and re-lighting of the ride definitely looked better.  The characters look much more colorful, and the new lighting makes the scenery look better and more dynamic, rather than the uniform, drab lighting that used to make up the ride.  That is way more in depth than I ever planned on describing it’s a small world.

 

The repaint and lighting work seemed to be the only changes to the ride scenery, until I got to the part near the end, with the dead children.  I’m not sure if this is actually supposed to be a room filled with dead children or their ghosts or whatever, but it definitely isn’t any one country.  It might be supposed to represent a world where all races and sexes live together in peace and harmony.  But, since that is a ridiculous concept, I’ll assume it’s the world of dead children.

 

In this room came the only other change that I noticed, but it was a big one.  Gone was one of the most interesting characters on the ride, one of the only characters that I actually remembered out of the hundreds of children with identical faces of various shades.  I am referring, of course, to the “Help” clown. 

 

This was the clown that I discussed in the first Orlando article.  There was this inexplicable clown sitting in a hot air balloon with a sad expression, holding a sign that simply said HELP.  Now, it is gone.  I do not know why.  It is possible that I missed it, but I was keeping an eye out for it the entire time, and knew it was in the dead children part, but no luck.  Bah.

Finally, they removed the pictures that were next to the ride’s exit.  These pictures were terribly faded and looked quite dated, but that was part of the it’s a small world charm.  Dated and faded.  Now the ride is just dated, with bright colors.

Other than that, there seemed to be no significant changes to the ride.  If any Disney World employees still read this site, feel free to IM / e-mail me to let me know other changes that were made.  Although I wouldn’t recommend doing that, because I will probably bother you with lots of questions about stupid park minutia, so think carefully before contacting me.