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Coke-Babies Classics : The Insane Cereal Experiment

Posted by robbposch on October 29, 2014

Posted in: Cereal Reviews, Food, Food Review. Tagged: cereal, cereal review, food, food review, review, zug. Leave a comment

Since Zug.com died a rather abrupt death, I figured I should mirror my work here. Also, this way I can pretend they’re new updates. Excuse the terrible formatting, I felt like putting in effort to fix it would be an insult to the original work. Also, I didn’t want to put in effort.

In a recent study, cereal was determined to be the best food ever created. This study was done in my house, when no one else was home, but I think its results are still valid.

Cereal makes up 30-40% of my daily caloric intake, and is responsible for at least two of my daily servings of froot. Sure, compressed flour and sugar make for great cereal. My question was, what else would make for great cereal? And even more interesting: what would make for terrible cereal?

The timing was perfect for this experiment. My wife was going out of town for the weekend, so I could see what it would be like to spend three straight days by myself, eating nothing but insane cereals. I don’t know what that says about me, when I have a weekend to myself, and my first instinct is “Time for cereal!” I personally think it says something awesome.

The experiment starts where most work weeks should: Friday.

Cereal Experiment #1: Bacon Bits

Despite my love for it, I rarely eat cereal in the morning. Usually I’m too sleepy to go to that incredible effort, so my usual breakfast consists of a granola bar, Fruit Roll Ups, and soda.

Even more than cereal, the best food to have for breakfast (notice I said “for,” not “with”) is bacon. However, going to the effort of cooking it is way too much work, not to mention the hazards of spattering grease.

So, I went for the next best thing: bacon bits. I poured a nice big bowl, added the milk, and dug in.

These were cheaper than Baco’s, since they save money by getting rid of the “O”

At first, the bacon bits appeared like they could pull off their role as cereal; they even looked like flesh-colored Grape Nuts. However, their ability to stay crunchy in milk was non-existent. Within seconds, the Bac’n Pieces had turned to Bac’n Mush. It essentially became a cold, meaty oatmeal. Wilford Brimley would not approve.

Ignore the irony of wearing a “Meat is Murder” shirt while eating bacon

The pervasive, smoky meat flavor didn’t make for the most pleasant milk-drinking. The flavor a cereal gives the milk is always an important factor, and bacon bits just did not work. I know making things bacon-flavored is all the rage right now, but bacon milk is something I don’t see catching on.

In fairness, this is probably more appetizing than Banana Quik

Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: Meaty
Overall Rating (out of 10): 2

Cereal Experiment #2: Pork Rinds

For lunch, I decided to stick with the high-protein theme. I thought pork rinds might work better as a cereal, but keep in mind this is in comparison to bacon, so it’s possible.

They misspell “bacon” to include the word “bake,” yet they’re fried. I’m confused.

I had never eaten pork rinds before, since, well, they’re the fried skin of a pig. However, I thought their puffy and crispy texture would make them an ideal candidate for making the switch from bag to bowl.

Squeal like a pig, cereal!

Boy, was I wrong. It can now safely be said that dried or puffed meats just don’t work as cereal. When in the milk, they kept their puffy shape, but any semblance of crispiness was gone. They took on the horrifying texture of a firm interior surrounded by mushy slime. Also, they were flavored like spicy pig.

While it would be easy to make a cartoon spokesanimal for a spicy pork rind cereal (a pig in a devil costume, holding a spoon instead of a pitchfork — you’re welcome, ad agencies), the actual cereal probably wouldn’t sell very well. Maybe if Atkins was still popular.

Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: Meaty and zesty
Overall Rating (out of 10): 2

Cereal Experiment #3: Wasabi Peas

After all that meat, I thought it might be a nice idea to get in a serving of vegetables.

Officially endorsed by Asian Monopoly Man.

Wasabi peas are one of my favorite work snacks, since they’re one of the less nutritionally-terrible things I eat. I can eat a ton of them pretty mindlessly, and my body tells me when to stop, in the form of a violent, burning stomachache.

Since they’re very crispy, I thought they would hold up to milk. And their shape is very cereal-esque.

At first, things were going well. The peas were staying crunchy, and the milk did a good job of keeping the wasabi from being too overwhelming. It actually stayed pretty crunchy throughout the whole bowl, although the flavor did seem to get a bit washed out as it went along.

Full of green pea-ness.

I found out the reason for this when I drank the resulting milk. The milk was slowly washing the wasabi coating off the peas. Therefore, the milk had turned into, basically, liquid wasabi. So that wasn’t too pleasant.

Did it work well as a cereal? Yes
Did it stay crunchy in milk? Yes
Resulting Milk Flavor: Nostril Clearing
Overall Rating (out of 10): 7

Cereal Experiment #4: Skittles

Later in the day, I decided to have something sweet. I already had a serving of vegetables, now it was time for a serving of fruit.

Breakfast of diabetic champions.

I thought Skittles would hold up to the milk well, since their shell would protect them. But within minutes, the milk was washing all of the dye off the Skittles, leaving them a rather unappealing grayish-tan.

Instead of staying their usual, chewy texture, the cold milk had turned them rock-hard. So every bite was a form of exercise (an added bonus), struggling through the near-impenetrable shell to get to the now incredibly tough interior.

I have absolutely no idea what those white specks are. Maybe the S’s washed off.

On the bright side, the resulting milk was pretty good. It tasted like they took a big bag of the artificial flavoring from Trix, and used about eighty times the recommended amount.

Did it work well as a cereal? Yes
Did it stay crunchy in milk? Yes
Resulting Milk Flavor: A rainbow of sugar
Overall Rating (out of 10): 6

Cereal Experiment #5: Sriracha Peas

Since I never plan ahead for anything, I hadn’t planned what I would have for dinner. Which is why I wound up eating more peas.

I have no idea why this picture looks so deformed, but it’s giving me vertigo

Instead of wasabi, these were sriracha peas. Sriracha is a Thai chile sauce that people often use on cooking shows, because if no one knows what it is, it must taste good.

Not pictured: fly on window that is looking like a better dinner alternative

When turned into cereal, the peas didn’t fare very well. Unlike the wasabi peas, which sort of worked, the sriracha peas tasted disgusting in milk. The spiciness of the sriracha became diluted, and the flavoring turned into something more like ketchup.

Doctors do not recommend having a pool of this in your stomach before bed

What made this even worse was I knew that after finishing the cereal, I would still have to contend with the milk. I was right to be afraid, since the resulting milk was simply horrid. It tasted like the hellspawn of cheap cocktail sauce and Spaghetti-O’s.

Did it work well as a cereal? Yes
Did it stay crunchy in milk? Yes
Resulting Milk Flavor: Chef Boyardee-tastic
Overall Rating (out of 10): 2

Cereal Experiment #6: Cheddar Whales

I started the day with a food that seemed to have a good blend of cerealish qualities, but still had the savory aspect of an IHOP pigout (minus the pig).

Phew, it’s real cheddar … otherwise, this might have not tasted good

Cheddar Whales are the mutant offspring of Goldfish crackers and Cheez-Its. Try not to ponder the actual reproduction process that would lead to them. It’s not pleasant.

Moby Dick would have been a lot better if the whale was orange

Surprisingly, the whales got soggy almost immediately, though you would assume whales would have better natural protection from liquid. The cheese flavor didn’t taste as good in milk as you would think (I’m assuming you would think it would taste delicious).

The finale of the direct-to-DVD ripoff of The Cove

The resulting milk was surprising. I was expecting the orange to wash off into the milk more, but instead the milk was just a vaguely unsettling orange-tan. What wasn’t surprising was that it had a mildly unpleasant cheese flavor. I was expecting that part.

Did it work well as a cereal? Yes
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: 100% Real Cheez
Overall Rating (out of 10): 3

Cereal Experiment #7: Marshmallows

The Cheddar Whales alone wouldn’t cut it. Breakfast without large amounts of sugar seems un-American. I realized what my morning cereal was missing: marshmallows!

Now with 0% oat pieces!

I don’t think they sell those dry, powdery marshmallows that come in cereal or packets of hot chocolate, so I had to substitute regular mini-marshmallows.

Having Lucky Charms in the background while eating pure marshmallows wasn’t on purpose

The marshmallows were hit or miss. They were almost impossible to eat, as the milk glued them together into a gigantic mass. But they did provide two of the recommended servings of sugar, without any artificial dyes! So when you think about it, it’s actually quite healthy. I think Kashi is really missing an opportunity here.

Puffed sugar in milk: breakfast the way nature intended

Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: Like chocolate milk, without the chocolate.
Overall Rating (out of 10): 4

Cereal Experiment #8: Peanuts

I had gotten hungry sooner than expected, which was surprising due to my hearty breakfast. Going for something with a bit more protein, I decided on a bag of peanuts.

Like the Skittles, the cold milk turned the peanuts rock hard. This is probably the second hardest cereal I’ve ever eaten, trailing only Grape Nuts. Seriously, how do people physically eat those?

The milk washed all the salt off the peanuts, so the peanuts themselves were rather bland. The resulting salt milk was, well, like drinking a bowl full of sea water. But with more calcium.

Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? Yes
Resulting Milk Flavor: Oceanic
Overall Rating (out of 10): 2

Cereal Experiment #9: Beef Jerky

Since beef jerky is dehydrated beef, adding liquid should result in just beef, correct?

I’d love a beef jerky T-shirt, but it would go to waste since I don’t go to enough gala ballroom events.

Most likely for the same reason cold water plus pasta doesn’t make edible pasta, this did not result in a delicious beef stew. Due to the cheap pieces of meat, and the beef flavor washing into the milk to create a strange gravy, the whole dish became unfortunately similar to cat food.

Certainly the first cereal I’ve ever had that could be described as “really chewy.”

I should mention I am only assuming this is what cat food tastes like. I have eaten Frosty Paws before, but that is as far as it’s gone.

Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: Fancy Feast
Overall Rating (out of 10): 3

Cereal Experiment #9: Bottle Caps

Saturday’s cereals had not been going well, and I really needed a win. So I went with something I had long thought would work well as a cereal: Bottle Caps. They had a cereal-y size and texture, and the flavor would be similar to Froot Loops.

Sugary cereal and soda: together at last

I was right. This was awesome. Even though I’m still mad at Wonka for changing the shape of Bottle Caps (they’re no longer cap-shaped with the indentation, just flat circles), these worked perfectly.

Like a white trash ice cream float

They stayed crunchy, but not too crunchy, and they actually worked well with the milk. Since most of the soda flavors would pair well with milk anyway (grape not so much), overall it meshed nicely.

Not pictured: someone half a mile away contracting diabetes from inhaling these fumes

As for the resulting milk: holy crap. It tasted like the undiluted syrup they use in soda fountains to make Hi-C.

Did it work well as a cereal? Yes
Did it stay crunchy in milk? Yes
Resulting Milk Flavor: Pure liquid sugar and froot.
Overall Rating (out of 10): 9

Cereal Experiment #10: Vienna Sausages

For dinner, I thought I should have something more substantial. But what I had available was truly distressing. To me, Vienna Sausages are one the most revolting foods imaginable. I’ve never actually eaten one, but I have smelled them, and that’s enough.

It’s somehow more appetizing if you pretend they’re human fingers

Opening the can, I was met with the horrid little pink tubes. It’s like in a horror movie when they find a victim in a barrel, their rotting corpse suspended in rank liquid. Except the corpse would probably smell and taste better.

Photographic evidence of one of the top five lowest moments in my life

That may seem like a bold statement, but have you ever eaten a Vienna Sausage? Jeez, they were AWFUL. I think the milk actually helped at first, because it washed off the horrid brine, leaving me with basically cold, wet, uncooked hot dogs. Except not as appetizing as that sounds.

And since the milk washed all the brine off, guess where it went? Into the milk itself. The milk smelled like armpits, and tasted like low tide. It felt like simply drinking the Sausage Milk should have been one of the traps in “Saw.”

Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: Staten Island
Overall Rating (out of 10): 0

Cereal Experiment #11: Chex Mix

Granted, Chex Mix isn’t thought of as a cereal. Sure, it has cereal in it, but it also has pretzels, bagel chips, and those weird curvy cylinders that no one likes.

The Lonely Island would approve of this cereal

From my last visit to the supermarket, I would estimate that there are currently nine hundred varieties of Chex Mix. I went with Bold Party Mix, because it seemed like the most up-the-middle in terms of savory flavor.

I knew the experiment had worn me down when this tasted good

As a cereal, this worked beautifully. It was a bit confusing when I got a spoonful with a giant bagel chip, but I persevered and figured out how to eat those as well. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to brag.

Still more delicious than Wheat Chex

Considering it was bold and savory, it actually tasted pretty good. The texture held up to the milk, and while the milk wasn’t a hidden gem unleashing Chex Mix’s true potential, it also didn’t make it disgusting. Which, at this point, is something I will consider a victory.

Did it work well as a cereal? Yes
Did it stay crunchy in milk? Yes
Resulting Milk Flavor: If you used beef ramen seasoning in place of Quik
Overall Rating (out of 10): 7

Cereal Experiment #12: Cocktail Onions

The weekend’s experiments had killed off my appetite, so I wound up not eating anything for about eight hours.

Even though meat would never work as a cereal, I couldn’t give up on all savory items. The dried peas didn’t work too well, but what about wet vegetables?

A major faux pas: eating white foods after Labor Day

Cocktail onions seemed like a good choice. Well, they seemed like they would work because they were small and round. In retrospect, everything else about them made this a horrible idea.

I drained them first, since the onion juice would throw off the milk, and make all of my exhaustively researched data null and void.

For maximum accuracy, insert Pigpen stink fumes above the bowl

As a cereal, the texture was just awful. They obviously weren’t crunchy, but they had this awful, eyeball-like consistency. The onions themselves weren’t too bad. Since I think they are pickled in some way, their flavor is much more mild than your standard onion. Although here is the fact that they are still onions.

The milk was a different story. A story filled with sadness and betrayal. It was just onion brine, thickened with milk. Like a really thin, strong onion dip smoothie. Multiple parts of my body were angry with me at this point: stomach, nose, mouth, eyes.

I felt like George Costanza eating the raw onion, except I didn’t even get a dime.

Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: Would saying REALLY ONIONY be too obvious?
Overall Rating (out of 10): 1

Cereal Experiment #13: Sliced Jalapenos

My stomach was none too happy with my decision to eat onions and drink their milk. So my next experiment would stay in the vegetable family, drowning out the onion burning with an even worse burning sensation.

Milk is supposed to be good after spicy foods … this cuts out the middle man

Jalapeno slices seemed like they’d be a great fit on the spoon. This proved to not be entirely accurate, since the small, uniform slices on the wrapper didn’t exactly show up in the jar. The slices were different shades of green and different versions of round. These jalapenos did not have the same father.

I don’t know if I had just been so beaten down by this weekend that the concept of something being not disgusting was enough to be considered “good,” but the jalapenos were surprisingly good.

This cereal is not likely to wind up as a Gerber Graduates meal any time soon

The texture wasn’t crunchy, of course, but they did have enough snap where it didn’t feel like a spoonful of mush. And I will surely never get a job writing as a food critic when I admit that the jalapeno flavor went really well with the milk.

The milk itself, that didn’t work so well. It didn’t take on any jalapeno flavor, it was just very spicy. I don’t think the formatting on this site will allow me to express “very” in the way it deserves, so just imagine that word “very” in font size 56. The taste was like pure capsaicin. Normally, jarred jalapenos aren’t that bad, but I guess the entire jar had enough spiciness to soak into the milk to make it a force to be afraid of.

Don’t be fooled: this is a bowl of pure pain

Although when I can say “The jalapeno cereal was good, although the milk wasn’t very delicious,” I will take that as a success, no questions asked.

Did it work well as a cereal? Yes
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: The second or sixth level of Dante’s Inferno, whichever is worse
Overall Rating (out of 10): 7

Cereal Experiment #14: Fruit Gushers

For my last cereal of the experiment, I wanted to go out with something that I thought would taste really good. The cereal would be made from Gushers.

I’m assuming there were absolutely no artificial colorings used

As an added bonus, this could be the most meta cereal ever created. It’s a cereal, submerged in liquid, while filled with liquid. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you clean up the mess, since I just blew your mind.

This idea made me think of other cereals along the same lines. I hope to see a Boston Kreme Donut cereal as soon as possible.

The Gushers themselves, unfortunately, didn’t work too well. As soon as they hit the cold milk, they turned rock hard and stuck together. So my thirty or so individual Gushers turned into three large icebergs.

One of the sweetest cereals ever, possibly only second to Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs

The taste was still good, while the actual eating was a confusing experience. There would be a chunk of Gushers in a mouthful of milk, but when I bit into them they exploded, like underwater mines. The taste and texture of the fruit snack was sufficiently awesome enough to make this an overall success.

The milk tasted mostly like what you’d expect. A mix of milk, fruit snack surface sugar, and the liquid that leaked out of the Gushers, like fruity underwater oil wells.

Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: Like a creamy, melted Pop Ice
Overall Rating (out of 10): 8

Conclusions

Despite this weekend’s events, I still love cereal. This isn’t like when you catch your kid smoking, and make him smoke two full packs to make him hate the flavor for the rest of his life.

While I won’t be filling my days with Caesar Salad or Curry Chicken Cereal, I will never abandon the food that made me what I am today.

Although come to think of it, that really doesn’t say much for cereal.

Coke-Babies Classics: The Gourmet Chocolate Taste Test Bonanza

Posted by robbposch on June 12, 2013

Posted in: Candy, Food Review. Tagged: chocolate, food, food review, review, zug. 1 Comment

I’m a big fan of gourmet foods. Wait, no I’m not. I’m a big fan of watching TV shows about gourmet foods. I love watching Top Chef, but if those plates were placed before me, my reaction would be:

Some of these gourmet and outside-the-box foods seem a little arbitrary. Gourmet wines, cheeses, and meats? Sure. Gourmet salts? Uhhh. There might be a difference between a $20 bottle of soy sauce and a $2 bottle, but guess what: it’s going to make your food salty either way.

So when I recently noticed how many gourmet chocolates were crowding the shelves, I had to try every one of these strangely-flavored chocolates, no matter how frightening or disturbing, and report back with what they taste like. I wanted to know if gourmet = gimmick, or if gourmet = good.

Safeway Select Dark Chocolate with Lemon & Pepper

This immediately seemed like a creepy idea, since I first thought of “Lemon Pepper,” the seasoning you add to foods that is usually just 95% salt.

This is just my poor photo-taking skill … you don’t actually have to squint to eat this bar.

The chocolate is a mild dark, with pieces of crystallized lemon and black pepper. I was expecting a much more acidic flavor, but the crystallized lemon added a mild sweetness that went well with the dark chocolate, like Tony Orlando and Dawn.

I didn’t get any pepper at first, but it showed up after letting the chocolate sit in my mouth for a while. Some of these chocolates really do benefit from those pretentious food snob methods, like letting it melt in your mouth. This technique doesn’t work as well for Skittles.

Weirdness (Out of 10): 3 – Pepper is an odd ingredient, but is actually rather common in the Bizarro gourmet chocolate world.

Deliciousness (Out of 10): 7 – The chocolate is good, and the ingredients work well, even if they did just fall off a spice rack.

Chuao Spicy Maya

Another poor photo, but let’s pretend like it’s in 3D.

Speaking of peppers, we come to our first entry that utilizes the element of spiciness. I say “first entry,” which implies I have others that are also spicy, but I don’t actually remember. Most of these chocolates were purchased in an order that must have made the chocolatier think I was drunk out of my mind. Orders as strange and haphazard as this one are usually only seen on eBay at 3:00 a.m. when people spend $2,000 on Masters of the Universe figures to replace the ones their parents gave away.

The “Spicy Maya” bar, which sounds more like a stripper’s name, is a dark chocolate bar with pasilla chile, cayenne pepper, and cinnamon. I assume that based on the name, they are paying tribute to the Mayans’ first chocolate creations, which were often spicy chocolate concoctions. I assume this because it says so on the back of the wrapper.

Do not be alarmed that this bar is covered with pupil-less eyes, staring at you.

The bar itself looks interesting, with a cocoa bean design stamped on the chocolate. The uneven stamping means it breaks into uneven pieces, allowing you to give bigger or smaller pieces to people, depending on how much or how little you like them, or how greedy/gluttonous you are.

For a bar named “Spicy Maya,” however, it isn’t very spicy. Neither did it contain bits of ancient Mayans. False advertising!

Weirdness (Out of 10): 4 – It wasn’t very spicy, so it wasn’t very strange. Though it would be a fun bar to give to a little child who can’t handle the heat.

Deliciousness (Out of 10): 7 – All the flavors worked well together, though I think the claims that it would “arouse my senses” fell a bit short. The only thing it aroused was my temper.

Chuao Panko

If you’ve been waiting for weird, here’s what you’ve been waiting for. What food is more shocking, more polarizing, and more scandalous than breadcrumbs?

I take it from your silence that breadcrumbs aren’t the controversial item they used to be.

Like the other Chuao offering, the bar’s design is a nice assortment of cocoa beans. Or possibly the pods where the hatchlings grow in the movie Aliens. Which would imply that the breadcrumbs will burst forth from your chest in a gory spectacle.

The bar itself is a dark chocolate, with breadcrumbs and sea salt. Sea salt is one of the hot chocolate add-ins du jour, since adding salt to a sweet dish amplifies the sweetness. Also, adding salt to a salty dish makes it saltier. FYI.

Weirdness (Out of 10): 6 – Sure, chocolate and bread go together well (ask a cupcake). But if you’re going to make a “wacky” chocolate bar, the fact that breadcrumbs are so, well, boring, makes it even weirder.

Deliciousness (Out of 10): 8 – The chocolate was good, and the breadcrumbs acted as wimpy (but tasty) versions of nuts.

Komfort Chocolate Ramen Noodle

For true authenticity, this bar contains 350% of your daily recommended sodium intake.

There seems something inherently wrong with using ramen noodles, a staple of people who can’t afford better food or just enjoy eating garbage (I’m in the latter category), in gourmet chocolate. This bar of chocolate costs as much as thirty packs of Oodles of Noodles.

My first question was, “Did they use a flavor packet?” Thankfully (or sadly, depending on how violently salty and/or rancid-fish-tasting you like your food), they didn’t use any seasoning bags. Even though it was only plain ramen, the ingredients list wasn’t void of questionable and scary ingredients. Sodium or salt makes an appearance in various ways six times!

One thing I appreciate about the bar is its simplicity. Simple label, simple description. All they say is: dark chocolate with ramen noodles. They don’t bother wasting words on things such as, you know, why? Why ramen noodles? Why didn’t you include the dehydrated peas and pieces of beef?

For maximum consumer appeal, have the ingredients in your chocolate resemble escaping maggots.

Weirdness (Out of 10): 8 – It’s ramen noodles. In chocolate.

Deliciousness (Out of 10): 8 – Good quality chocolate with a mild crunch and a ramen aftertaste that’s actually quite appealing, even if you’re not living in a van.

Vosges Black Pearl Bar

The bar got slightly less weird when I realized those weren’t fleas.

Are they making these flavors because they think they’ll taste good, or just throwing things together so comedy writers will try them?

The Black Pearl Bar consists of dark chocolate, black sesame seeds, ginger, and wasabi. And, to its credit, that’s all it contains … no weird fillers. Aside from the sesame seeds, ginger, and wasabi.

A picture of a woman shopping on a bar of chocolate: we have reached the zenith of female stereotypes.

I’ll get right to the point: this bar was really good. The sesame seeds are nice, giving a crunchy contrast to the bar; the ginger goes well also. My disappointment was the wasabi.

I don’t think I’ve ever had real wasabi — most restaurant “wasabi” is just horseradish, mustard, corn starch, and green dye. Unfortunately, I was expecting that familiar kick of horseradish. Instead, the milder wasabi was used here, and served to compliment the chocolate, rather than assailing my sinuses with a four-alarm wasabi fire.

The nerve of this company!

I noticed that wasabi, sesame seeds, and ginger are all sushi accoutrements, so I made this bar into sushi. I had no rice or vegetables, so I’ll call my sushi “deconstructed,” which is a word they use a lot on cooking shows.

(Image source: US Airways in-flight dining promotional brochure)

I despise all forms of seafood, so it was a miracle I even had canned sardines on hand.

Surprisingly, this did not taste as good as it looked.

The idea that you could close your eyes and let the flavors combine into what could be called “sushi” didn’t quite pan out. It was more a case of letting the flavors combine into what could be called “microwaved garbage.”

Weirdness (Out of 10): 6 – The usage of real wasabi took away the spicy novelty this could have had.

Deliciousness (Out of 10): 9 – Very good stuff. I miss the days when the only way I ate this was plain, without canned fish.

Chocolove XOXOX Chilies & Cherries

Going with the “less is more” approach to wrapper design, I see

I would normally assume that a company named “Chocolove” that also had three X’s in its name would manufacture body paint or edible underwear. Instead, they manufacture high-end chocolate. They still keep the sexual overtones by describing the chocolate as “exciting,” “stimulating,” and having “chili flavors.” It even has a love poem inside the wrapper entitled “The Kiss”. I started to read it, but there were too many words with “e” replaced by an apostrophe, so I couldn’t be bother’d.

That’s either a heart, a cherry, or an ass.

The chocolate itself was very good: the dried cherries gave it some chewiness, and the peppers provided an overall heat rather than an intense spike. Still, I couldn’t help feeling I would see this bar on an episode of Law & Order: SVU sometime soon.

Weirdness (Out of 10): 4 – While spicy chocolate might not be the norm, it’s not too unusual anymore.

Deliciousness (Out of 10): 7 – It tast’d quite good, although I don’t think their claims of being stimulat’d by the peppers were to be perceiv’d.

Theo 3400 Phinney Coconut Curry

Chocolate companies have finally heard our cries of “More turmeric!”

Right off the bat, I’ll give this bar credit for specifying a serving size of ONE BAR. Most “gourmet” bars list a bar as about eight servings. As if you’re going to bite off one square of chocolate, then yell, “Wow, I’m stuffed!”

It’s either really good or really bad, depending on which taste wave you’re currently riding. At first, it’s an initial reaction of shock, laced with mild disgust. I love curry, but my mind could not process curry chocolate. Then you sort of get it, and start to really like the taste. Shortly thereafter, you realize you have a mouthful of New Delhi, and you spit it out.

Weirdness (Out of 10): 8 – I’d seen a lot of chocolates with peppers, salt, and other odd ingredients, but never curry. Also, my fingertips seem to be stained yellow from the turmeric. I hope people believe that explanation.

Deliciousness (Out of 10): 6 – This bar is the food equivalent of trying to hang out with your real friends and your work friends at the same time. The chocolate was good, the curry was good. The chocolate and curry together is just an uncomfortable night for everyone.

Komfort Chocolate French Toast

Unfortunately, their budget for pictures on the wrapper ran dry.

Since French toast is sugary, I was expecting this bar to be ridiculously sweet, and it did not disappoint. Actually, it did disappoint, but sweet Lord was it sugary.

Not pictured: sassy waitress refilling your coffee while dropping this in front of you.

Instead of using breadcrumbs, the hottest trend of this decade, Komfort used bagel chips. Which sounds awesome, but the bar was just way too sweet to handle much at one time. Some might argue that not being able to eat an entire bar of chocolate is a good thing, but I think those people are underachievers.

The inclusion of bagel chips made me realize that a dark chocolate bar with pieces of pumpernickel bagel chips would probably be off the charts amazing. But instead, we have an oddly soft bar with the sweetness of shotgunning three packets of Sweet’N Low.

Also, it didn’t taste like French toast.

Weirdness (Out of 10): 5 – A pretty straightforward concept that could have worked, if only they had drenched it in maple syrup.

Deliciousness (Out of 10): 3 – Just way too freaking sweet. Have the insulin ready!

Chuao Firecracker

Warning: Do not eat this while consuming Coca-Cola.

Good news: if you have a desire to have your “throat warmed” by an “explosion” of the “wild side of chocolate” that “playfully tingles and pops,” you are in luck! Or suicidal.

The Firecracker bar is dark chocolate, chipotle, salt, and Pop Rocks. They call it “popping candy,” but we know what that is … and who it killed.

I don’t think I’ve ever eaten Pop Rocks by themselves — do you chew them or just let them sit there? This is why I avoid certain foods; I just don’t know how to eat them. I never eat Nerds because they confuse me. They’re too small to chew, and too painful to swallow whole. Plus, they’re named after my friends.

I’d give this bar a round of applause, but it makes the noise for you.

This is probably my favorite bar in the whole experiment. The chocolate, peppers, and salt go together perfectly, the best sweet/savory balance of all my test bars. But the Pop Rocks are the real star, perfect for annoying people. While my wife is trying to use the computer or watch TV, it is endless fun to sit there with my mouth hanging open, emitting a constant stream of loud snaps and pops. It’s never been easier to passively enrage those around you.

Weirdness (Out of 10): 8 – The Pop Rocks didn’t make the bar “weird” as it did “unique.” Also, “annoying”!

Deliciousness (Out of 10): 10 – Everything tasted good, and my stomach didn’t explode.

Komfort Chocolate Tortilla Lime & Salt

I know what you’re thinking: “With Cinco de Mayo only nine months away, what chocolates should I be stocking up on?” Here is your answer.

Komfort’s Tortilla Lime & Salt takes all the ingredients no one ever requested, and turned it into a bar. Is this one of those instances where it sounds so odd it just might work? No.

The first problem is it’s the same semi-mushy milk chocolate from their French Toast bar. Next, the whole thing tastes like lime zest. I love limes, but usually because I associate them with ingesting gin.

The tortilla pieces are way too small, though on the bright side, at least the tortillas were plain and not nacho cheese flavored. I probably could have tolerated Cool Ranch.

Weirdness (Out of 10): 7 – An interesting and bizarre concept that fails to get executed. Someone should get executed for this disaster, though.

Deliciousness (Out of 10): 3 – Lime-y mushy chocolate.

Vosges Mo’s Dark Bacon Bar

I’m glad to see Mo from Nickelodeon’s GUTS is finding work.

Well, it’s the last bar, so I might as well go out with a bang.

Upon unwrapping the bar, the bacon smell is clearly evident. It might not be kitchen-at-IHOP levels of bacon aroma, but there is definitely more bacon smell that you want in your chocolate.

I had high hopes for this bar due to the story on the packaging. Katrina, the founder of the company, tells a story of her childhood breakfast. Apparently at six years old, her breakfast consisted of chocolate chip pancakes and bacon.

If you are bitterly jealous of her childhood, you are not alone.

Then she mentions how some of the maple syrup would get on the bacon, voila, sweet plus salty, the rest is history. Or, rather the present. The present in which I am confronted with a chocolate bar with bacon in it.

Okay, no more procrastinating, time to eat the chocolate covered pig rind.

I guess technically you could put this on a salad.

I placed a big piece in my mouth, letting it melt as I braced for impact. You can imagine my surprise when I discovered it was … good(?)(!). Really good, as a matter of fact.

The little bacon pieces are crisp, which alleviated some of my fear that there would be fat globules suspended in the bar. They’re also spaced well so you get enough bacon flavor to notice it’s there, but not too much where it turns into Baconettes.

Well, I’m confused. I was hoping for a big, disgusting finish, but instead I got a really good bar. How disappointing. Not for Katrina, however, who will now have more money for pancakes and bacon thanks to this stellar review.

Weirdness (Out of 10): 10 – If there comes a time where bacon and chocolate is a widely accepted combination, it will prove we have taken our national bacon obsession a bit too far.

Deliciousness (Out of 10): 10 – Absolutely fantastic. Now they just need to introduce a chocolate covered Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich.

Coke-Babies Classics: The Miracle Berry Experiment

Posted by robbposch on May 15, 2013

Posted in: Food, Food Review, Miscellaneous Reviews. Tagged: food, food review, review, zug. Leave a comment

After taking a sabbatical lasting a couple millennia, miracles are making a big comeback. Miracles seemed poised to re-take the world by storm in 1980, after the Soviet Olympic hockey team was defeated by the United States. Unfortunately, it appeared that miracles just weren’t able to keep the momentum going.

However, we appear to be on the cusp of a true miracle renaissance. Possibly the most important evidence for this claim is that miracles were recently the subject of an in-depth dissection by noted philosophers the Insane Clown Posse. In this mind-blowing treatise, the very concept of what truly makes a “miracle” was rocked to its very core.

No longer are we able to offer simple scientific reasons to explain the phenomena of the existence of giraffes, why a son resembles his father, or the mystical properties of magnetic attraction. As it turns out, these, along with a multitude of other examples in our everyday lives, are actually miracles.

If the miracles already mentioned aren’t enough to, as they say, “shock ya eyelids,” then perhaps you are one of the many who prefer their miracles to be a bit more mind-blowing.

Enter the Miracle Berry.

These little wonders are also often referred to as Miracle Fruit. But I don’t, so therefore we will ignore that name from here on out.

Yeah, I’m not too impressed either.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, or don’t pay attention to potentially interesting yet not that interesting oddities, you have already heard of the Miracle Berry. It has the power to potentially alter the tastes of certain foods, making sour and bitter foods taste sweet. I already have three italicized words in this paragraph and don’t want another simply for the aesthetics, but pretend “potentially” in that last sentence was also in italics.

These wondrous little berries are from the plant of some, uh, plant and have interesting properties as a result of their, uh … hold on.

Jeez, even Wikipedia is stumped. Apparently the best scientific guess is that they are, in fact, a miracle.

One popular thing to do with Miracle Berries is to have “Flavor Tripping Parties.” These parties, which I’m genuinely surprised isn’t mentioned on Stuff White People Like, involve getting together and eating lemons.

Now, I know nothing about these parties from experience, but that does not sound like the makings of a wild time. Instead, I prefer my way: sitting by myself eating a large quantity of questionable foods while my brother takes pictures. That seems a lot more … hmm, “normal” doesn’t seem to fit there. I’ll probably come back and edit that last sentence with a more appropriate term.

There is way too much sexual innuendo going on for a package of compressed fruit powder.

I wound up splitting my “party” into two nights. With some of the bizarre, spicy, and conflicting foods I was about to eat, I thought it best to give my digestive system a short break. Unfortunately, I wound up eating all the bizarre, spicy, and conflicting foods on the first night.

But let us not waste any more time, I know what you’re here for: the miracles! So now, on to the main event.

It’s a good thing Miracle Berries have interesting properties, because the taste would not be a good selling point. They have a vaguely fruity taste, but lean much more to the “natural” side of a “natural fruit snack” flavor.

Yo man, I got what you NEED!

You’re supposed to let the berry tablet sit on your tongue, dissolving and coating your taste buds. It’s like the world’s lamest tab of acid.

Serve this to guests to ensure they will never return.

Once the berry was absorbed, it was time to dig in. I had bought a ton of food, in an attempt to experience as many miracles as possible.

Salt and Vinegar Chips:

What appears to be a blank, dumb stare is actually preparation for a mind-blowing experience.

I went with Popchips, because they have a much stronger vinegar flavor than other chips. The fact that the berry even put a dent in the vinegar was impressive; instead of an intense vinegar taste, it was instead a mildly sweet flavor. Which immediately raises the question: is that a good thing? In this case, let’s just say it’s an interesting thing.

Plain Yogurt

After the cow-like stare of the previous picture, I am going out of my way to look like I have a thought in my head.

My acidophilus levels were feeling a bit low, so I moved onto yogurt. This transformation was great, the weird tang of yogurt replaced by an incredibly smooth sweetness. I thought it tasted like vanilla yogurt, but that could just be my lazy way of saying it was sweet and didn’t taste like fruit.

Lemon Juice

“In here, we pour lemon juice.”

I’ll drink straight lemon juice from time to time, to teach my canker sores a lesson in responsibility. However, this was flat out amazing, literally the best lemonade I’ve ever had in my life.

Beef Broth

The perfect post-workout beverage.

To find out if the Miracle Berry works on salty like it does on sour, beef broth seemed like the ideal candidate. In short: no, it does not. I like drinking the broth from Cup O’ Noodles as much as the next guy (as long as the next guy really likes it), but seeing as this can came out of the refrigerator, it made for a very un-refreshing beverage.

Broccoli

The taste wasn’t changed at all, but on the bright side it did help me get 15% of a serving of fruits and vegetables.

Chicken Broth

After the disgusting beef broth failure, I don’t know why I bothered. But the can was on the table, and since I went to that incredible amount of effort, I figured I had to. There was no change, and frankly I was glad. I have no desire to drink sweetened chicken broth.

Sauerkraut

I love sauerkraut; it’s a great food to eat by itself, especially in social situations. There’s just something off-putting about it. The brine was changed significantly, which turned it into a creepy sweetened cabbage salad.

Minced Garlic

I would have preferred fresh garlic — as horrifying as it might be to eat the stuff raw, it’d be better than this jarred slop. The berry did seem to take some of the edge off, but it was still no match for the grotesque taste.

Red Onion

I went with the George Costanza method, eating it like an apple. Like the garlic, it took off a bit of the harsh edge, but still … it’s a raw onion. What can you do?

Sour Cream

I hate sour cream. The friendly folks at every Taco Bell ever know this, which is why they find it so hilarious when I ask for no sour cream. They know my timid request will not stop them from piling it on my food by the ladleful. However, the Miracle Berry did improve the taste significantly; the sour cream was closer to a tangy, sweet yogurt.

String Cheese

Nothing happened. Except the inherent joy of eating string cheese.

Muenster Cheese

Like sour cream, I hate Muenster cheese. I was hoping the Miracle Berry would change my perception, and turn it into a cheese I could enjoy. It didn’t, and I still hate Muenster cheese.

Cheddar Cheese

As exciting as the string cheese. It still tasted good, at least.

Swiss Cheese

This was the one cheese where I could taste a big difference. Even though I actually like Swiss cheese, a good description of its smell and taste is “feet-esque.” The berry completely removed the feety quality, giving the cheese an extremely smooth taste.

Goat Cheese

Even though I like it, every time I see the phrase “goat cheese,” I get mildly nauseated. I don’t even know if “goat milk cheese” is much better, as surely my issue is with the word “goat.” That said, this was amazing. The cheese tasted like cream cheese frosting. I would have devoured the entire package if I didn’t have more food to move on to.

Green Olives

I’d like an extra dirty virgin martini, please.

If you’ve ever thought “I’d like a dirty martini, but I could also go for an after-dinner dessert cocktail,” the solution is here. The olives had a balance of sweet and bitter, but it was an awful balance where neither flavor tasted good. The olive juice was no better, tasting like simple syrup stirred into seawater.

Dill Pickles

The only time in my life that I’ve ever liked sweet pickles was when I was five and got the card set that came in the green plastic bus. The actual food is disgusting. Unfortunately, the berry did its job, turning delicious dill pickles into their mutated cousin.

Balsamic Vinegar

I committed a major faux pas, by failing to let the tannins breathe.

Words won’t come close to doing this justice. The berry turned balsamic into a beverage that you could sip more smoothly than red wine. I might just start taking Miracle Berries so I can drink this from the bottle in public. It would do a great job of finally cementing my status as “weird guy in the corner that no one wants to talk to.”

Soy Sauce

Facial expression: “Bracing for impact”

This was one of the few things that was made worse by the Miracle Berry. It tasted like something you’d see on an Anthony Bourdain show, like when he’s eating some animal corpse that’s been fermenting in a barrel for a decade. Simply awful.

Horseradish Deli Mustard

I wouldn’t want to use the post-berry mustard on a sandwich, since it was steered into insanely sweet territory. It would be like putting marmalade on a ham and Swiss. Although at least it wouldn’t have those creepy orange rind pieces.

Chinese Mustard

This might have been the most sinister of all the foods I tried. The initial taste was overwhelming sweetness, so I thought it was fine to squeeze an entire packet into my mouth. Then my sinuses were assaulted with the hydrogen bomb-like effects of wasabi. On the plus side, I won’t get a stuffy nose for the next decade.

Banana Peppers

Named after The Banana Splits, which was the favorite show of the food anthropologist who discovered the peppers, banana peppers are the friendly cousin of the jalapeno. These were actually really good, since the hotness still cut though the mildly sweet pepper flavor.

Tabasco

I always think Tabasco is less spicy than it really is, since I usually have four eggs diluting the spiciness. You might not be aware of this, but when you pour a shot of hot sauce directly into your mouth, it is actually spicier than when you have a little bit on your breakfast.

I’m one oversized frilly fan away from exclaiming, “I do declare!”

This fact was fully reinforced when the wave of bizarrely sweet fire rushed over my tongue, and eventually my digestive system. Which was really angry with me after tonight.

White Vinegar

My tongue is about to become a human Paas tablet.

The only use I have ever known for white vinegar is making Easter egg dye. I still have no idea what it’s used for, since the label only suggests using it as a metal cleaner. Yum!

As you can see, it was delicious!

The berry had NO effect, and this was without a doubt the worst thing in this entire experiment. I had to call it a night.

Lemons

No scurvy for me!

On the morning after the Vinegar Incident, I did that thing where you yawn and it splits a little where your upper and lower lips meet. Why am I telling you this disgusting fact? So you can understand why it was just a tad uncomfortable to fit an entire wedge of acidic fruit in my mouth. It was worth it though, because like the lemon juice, this was simply amazing. It was like a melted Great White ice pop.

Limes

The only time I’ve ever really liked fresh limes is in gin. So while the Miracle Berry’s effect on the lime was significant, it just tasted like a very sweet lime, not a flavor I was in love with. I loved it, I just wasn’t in love with it.

Grapefruit

One of my favorite fruits. Mostly because I’m too lazy to cut them up, so the infrequency of my eating them increases their desirability. They’re also great for you, since they are very high in lycopene. And who doesn’t love the taste of lycopene? The Miracle Berry did its job well on grapefruits, turning a sour but pleasant-tasting fruit into a sweet and awesome-tasting fruit.

Oranges

You know how when you slice up oranges for a snack, you always like to sprinkle the slices with brown sugar and dip them in maple syrup? Oh, you don’t do that … because it’s disgusting, you say? I agree, which is why the ridiculously sweet orange wound up being kind of gross.

Pineapple

Remember way back when I was talking about how the oranges tasted, and implied that the Miracle Berry made an already sweet fruit even more sweet, resulting in an undesirable taste? Pineapples, being a vastly superior fruit to oranges, avoided this fate. Granted, they too were super-sweet, but somehow it worked better for the pineapple.

Granny Smith Apples

I actually know people who eat these as a snack, and to me that’s just as weird as eating a raw turnip. To be fair, I’ve never found sour things enjoyable; as a kid, for instance, I never liked sour Warheads. (Hot Warheads, on the other hand, were awesome.) The Granny Smith benefited greatly from the Miracle Berry … while it wasn’t apple pie sweet, it was like a slightly sweeter Golden Delicious.

Bananas

No change whatsoever. Move along.

Kumquats

Until I first tried them a few months back, the only thing I knew about kumquats was their vaguely obscene name, and that there was a kumquat tree in Day of the Tentacle. They’re a little citrus fruit that you eat whole (except the seed), and taste sort of like an orange-lemon hybrid. The Miracle Berry worked very well on them, taking off the bitter edge. It didn’t improve the name.

Dark Chocolate

I used one of the darkest chocolates I could find without it being unsweetened. Usually, anything over 70% dark is like biting into a piece of tree bark, though with less fiber. The berry didn’t offer any sweetness to the chocolate, but it did remove most of the bitterness.

Unsweetened Dark Cocoa Powder

If I was single, this would be my match.com profile picture.

Despite my brilliant hypothesis, this did not taste like a spoonful of Quik. It just tasted like dirt. Well, to be fair, unsweetened chocolate dirt.

Unsweetened Dark Chocolate Milk

I learned two things here. One, the addition of milk did not help matters. Two, cocoa powder, unlike chocolate milk mix, does not dissolve in milk. It turned into a “Homestyle” version of chocolate milk.

Essential Greens

Surprisingly, this didn’t taste as good as it looked.

This is a green powder filled with all sorts of nutrients, that you can mix with other beverages to make a healthy yet disgusting beverage. I thought the Miracle Berry might remove the bitterness and overall noxious taste. Nope. It looked like a lemonade made by throwing a lemon in some sludge water. A lemon, actually, would have helped.

Honey

One interesting thing about the Miracle Berry is not just its power to flip sourness backwards, but also to amplify sweetness. Also interesting was that the honey’s sweetness level reached a bracket of sweetness that might actually require a new word to be created, since “sweet” just doesn’t quite cut it anymore. Maybe “swirt” or “swooty.”

Cocoa Porter Beer

I should have done this from the start.

I figured a porter would work best, since they’re bitter. This could also be completely inaccurate, since most beers are unappealing to me. However, after the Miracle Berry, this was diabolically good. The cocoa highlights of the beer turned this into a chocolate soda. So for all you parents who gripe that your children don’t appreciate good beer, here’s a good way to get them started.

After trying the Miracle Berry, my feelings on the fruit boil down to a single fact: it is definitely an experience worth trying. No, it won’t alter your mind and open your brainbox to new flavors. Grapes won’t taste like snozzberies, and carrots won’t taste like Skittles.

It is tough to describe in words how weird it can be when a food’s taste you’ve known your entire life is suddenly, drastically altered. There is a huge connection between expectations and the actual taste. If any of the steps in the expectation-to-taste process are changed, it’s a bizarre experience.

Brightly colored foods always taste better.

I get upset when people expect me to think white mint chocolate chip ice cream will taste as good as green. Fun fact: it doesn’t. So when I drink a shot of straight lemon juice that tastes sweeter and better than most beverages in the supermarket, it’s definitely a weird and worthwhile experience. Maybe Insane Clown Posse was right: it is a miracle.

If you have already forgotten everything I’ve said, probably the most important thing to remember if you do try Miracle Berries: try the white vinegar. It’s fantastic.

Coke-Babies Classics: The Aloe Vera Juice Experiment

Posted by robbposch on May 10, 2013

Posted in: Food, Food Review. Tagged: food, food review, review, zug. Leave a comment

As an extremely pale person, I have often required the healing properties of aloe. It has always been there for me at the end of a long day involving an “It’s not that sunny out” misadventure. Although to be honest, I don’t even know if aloe actually works. All I know is that when I get burned, I rub some green slime on me, and a few days later I’m a little better.

Of course, a few days later without aloe would probably also result in me getting a little better, but then I wouldn’t get to experience the feeling of my calves lightly sticking to the sheets.

However, in all my experiences with aloe use, I have always chosen to apply it to the outside of my body. But with most medicines, there’s a big difference between using them on the outside and the inside. Pepto Bismol doesn’t work very well when rubbed on the stomach, and eating Icy Hot rarely comforts a sore leg muscle. Although it might help soothe canker sores, but I’m afraid to do that research.

So imagine my surprise when I discovered that people were drinking aloe vera juice. Now, drinking “enhanced” beverages is nothing new; VitaminWater’s annual earnings could probably feed a medium-sized continent for a year. And once the American public latches onto the smallest scrap of health advice, no matter how incorrectly used, they can’t get enough.

Just over five years ago, Pom Wonderful was a niche product. It was familiar mostly to those who really displayed an interest in nutrition, or at least looked at the ads in Men’s Health that don’t inexplicably have guys just lounging in their underwear together. Now everything is pomegranate flavored, from ice pops to Smirnoff vodka.

After contemplating this, the idea of drinking aloe vera didn’t really shock me. But the concept still disgusted me. I imagined it to have a creepy, “slick” texture. Like an awkward medium between the silkiness of Fiji water and a glass of warm pan drippings.

As a bit of a health nut myself, I figured it was a good experiment to try. If I wound up hating it, I would at least have a story to tell. If it turned out to be delicious, I could use its nutrients to balance out the Taco Bell I had for lunch. The only way to find out whether a liquidized aloe concoction would land on the delicious or disgusting side of the fence would be to find out for myself.

As a benefit to my finances, my local supermarket had recently experimented with selling these products. That experiment appeared to be a massive failure, so I was able to buy a can for twenty two cents.

The can sat in my cabinet, then eventually my fridge … taunting me. I feared what it would taste like, but I had to know. Eventually, I was able to gather up my courage, and attempt to dig in. Oh God, I hope I wouldn’t actually be digging in. I hadn’t even contemplated the possibility of solids floating in it. It would be some bastard spawn of “homestyle” orange juice and Orbitz.

Upon taking a closer look at the can, I realized there would indeed be solids. The can says “Bits of Real Aloe,” like that’s a selling point. I’m drinking this to be healthy; I just want to get it over with and don’t want to chew my beverage. If I drank wheatgrass to be healthy (I don’t), I just want to drink it. I don’t want “Real Wheatgrass Clippings” floating about.

I didn’t think it would be carbonated, but with a drink this bizarre, who knows? At the same time, I didn’t want all the “Real Bits of Aloe” staying in a gelatinous clump. So I used my years of Yoo-Hoo training, and gently shook the can … then poured.

The first thing that struck me was that it smelled pretty good. The appearance, on the other hand, was an off-putting, translucent, mucous-esque slime.

There they are: the “Real Bits of Aloe.” (I wonder if imitation aloe bits are more aesthetically pleasing than real bits.) When looking straight down into the glass, it had an alarming similarity to a petri dish filled with bacteria.

Possibly more upsetting than the top-down perspective was looking at it from the side. The liquid and solids had clearly separated, and it bore a close resemblance to Jell-O 1-2-3.

The visuals were as creepy as I was expecting. All that was left now was to see if the taste was more or somehow less appealing. Upon first sip, I was extremely disappointed. It was actually kind of … good! Well, small parts were. And by small parts I don’t mean “Real Bits of Aloe.”

If you manage to get a sip with no solids in it, it was similar to a thinned-out pear nectar. But a bigger sip opened the floodgates for the bits of aloe (real bits, by the way) to come rushing in. Bouncing off my teeth and touching my tongue in a most unsettling way. In that instant the aloe juice went from mildly enjoyable to incredibly horrifying.

If you’re a fan of the aforementioned Orbitz, or bubble tea, you might be able to get into aloe vera juice. For me, liquid and phlegm blobs don’t go well together. Separately, they’re great.

By this point, I’m sure you’re thinking, “This sounds delicious and all, but are there any benefits to aloe vera juice that might make a good sidebar for an article in Prevention magazine?”

I’m glad I made up that you asked, because we are about to find out how well aloe vera juice compares to aloe vera gel when it comes to soothing a burn inside your mouth.

Now I was going to step it up, comparing the results of aloe vera juice with aloe vera gel in treating burns inside your mouth.

Chances are you have a bottle of aloe gel left over from the last time you got sunburned. Sure, aloe soothes burns on the exterior of your body — but is it effective if the burn is inside you?

Before beginning this process, I should point out that ingesting aloe vera gel can be poisonous. The label reads that if you accidentally ingest any, you should call a poison control center. They don’t say what you should do if you intentionally ingest it, but we can assume they would still advise calling a poison control center.

I don’t know if the poison levels are on par with cyanide, or if this is just standard text used as legal protection, like when they tell you to call poison control if you swallow a Band-Aid. In either case, I don’t feel like finding out. So the aloe gel used in this test will be spit out and rinsed.

If I’m going to intentionally burn my mouth, I’m going to do it safely.

Test #1: Scalding Water

We will be testing burn relief in two ways: literal and metaphorical heat. The literal heat comes from a cup of near-boiling water. Hot enough to be painful, not hot enough to actually require a trip to the hospital.

One big sip and five painful seconds of waiting later, it was time to test the relief. The aloe vera juice did a terrible job — it was about as soothing as any cold water or juice.

After waiting a little while to allow my mouth to calm down, I re-heated the water and took swig number two. This time, we will test the effectiveness of the aloe vera gel. One teaspoon of the green slime was used to coat my mouth and tongue (being careful to avoid ingesting, be it accidentally or on purpose).

My initial reaction was one of surprise -– after about a minute or so, it actually was doing a pretty good job of relieving the pain. However, when I looked at the gel’s bottle, I figured out why. The aloe vera gel wasn’t 100% aloe vera, it also contained Lidocaine, a numbing agent.

So while I will give the edge to the gel in this instance, it did have some big help from its chemical partner.

After rinsing with Listerine, I discovered that my mouth was still a bit numb, and would continue to be like this for about fifteen minutes. Once my pain receptors regained consciousness, it was time for the next heat test.

Test #2: Hot Sauce

This isn’t the hottest sauce out there by any means, but since a little goes a long way, I figured four huge tablespoons would go a very long way.

I tried to do the sauce in one shot, but since it had a creepy, thick consistency, it required the use of fingers the get it all out. It certainly wasn’t the hot sauce-swigging tough guy image I was hoping for.

For the aloe vera juice, you will know how its healing effectiveness felt. The last time you reached for some water, thinking it would help with something spicy (it won’t), this was the same feeling. I’m beginning to think burn relief wasn’t one of their main priorities when creating this beverage.

After refilling the glass with hot sauce and re-emptying it (with fingers, again) into my mouth it was time to test the aloe vera gel.

The positive is that the gel did indeed help soothe the burn, although again I assume that’s the Lidocaine talking. The downside was that the taste of aloe vera gel, Lidocaine, peach, and hot peppers mixes as well as you would imagine.

As I contemplated whether this research should be submitted to various medical journals, I prepared for my final test. Let’s wash that horrifying taste out with some booze!

Since I have been referring to aloe vera juice as a health drink, it might actually be a good idea to mention what those health benefits are. According to the company who makes the juice, aloe “helps increase the immune system” and “cleanses the colon.” So that’s pretty exciting. According to their Web site:

“It is also said that Aloe Juice could benefit a person with intestinal or stomach problems. It should aid in the healing of ulcers and help the digestive tract to work smoothly. It is also said that this health drink can improve circulation.”

And since each of those claims is prefaced by “It is also said” or “It should,” we can assume those claims are entirely false, or just guesses.

Anyway, health benefits are great and all, but it would be far more interesting to dilute those health benefits with alcohol!

The next time you have friends over for drinks, and they are talking your ear off about drinking red wine for the heart or beer for the prostate, feel free to ignore them (like you probably already do). Instead, offer them some party-starting cocktails that get their digestive systems running more smoothly than ever.

No one will want to try them. Let’s be honest, it’s a pretty disgusting concept. So in order to up the interest level, you need to resort to one of the tricks of the trade used in more upscale restaurants, like Applebee’s: themes!

Like most people, I associate aloe primarily with being burned. And since I had just burned my mouth with hot sauce, I thought, “What a great combination!”

Combining my porphyria-like results from sun exposure, the cooling effects of aloe, and some traditional beach alcohol, we have:

“Man With Dominant Irish Genes Goes to Mexico”
2 parts Aloe Vera Juice
2 parts Tequila
1 part Hot Sauce

Surprisingly, this turned out pretty well. Its biggest fault is the presence of those pesky bits of real aloe. Besides their unwelcome intrusion, the sweet and spicy combination balanced fairly well. And as an added bit of authenticity, if you drink too many of these, the hot sauce is sure to give you a terrible stomachache, similar to drinking Mexican water.

Of course, spicy drinks aren’t for everyone. Some people prefer the sweet beverages. The following drink isn’t my cup of alcoholic tea, but as any good bartender knows, you’ve got to make what the people want.

“Generic Drink Loud Girls Order When They’re Not Yelling WHOOO!”
2 parts Aloe Vera Juice
1 part Jagermeister
1 part Caramel Sauce
7 Maraschino Cherries

Unfortunately, I did not have sour mix available, which is the mixer of choice for these types of drinks. So I substituted caramel sauce, since I figured it brought a similar amount of horrifying sweetness to the party. It has the inexplicably popular Jagermeister because that’s a popular alcohol for these types of drinks. Finally, copious amounts of maraschino cherries … of course.

And as an added bit of authenticity for this drink, the beverage itself looks like what happens if you drink Mexican water.

For the final drink, we steer it over to the healthy aspects of aloe vera. As I mentioned, pomegranate enjoyed a huge rush of popularity when people figured out that even if something is 100% sugar but is flavored vaguely similar to pomegranate, it would sell like crazy.

Lately, pomegranate has had a lot of its thunder stolen by the acai berry. This is another “superfruit” that legitimately does have a lot of benefits, which are mostly lost when “Acai Flavored” food and beverages are made.

The logic here is that if you combined the acai berry with aloe vera juice, you could possibly make the most healthy beverage ever created. Also, it could get you drunk! Most importantly, it has what casual restaurants consider to be the most important part of a cocktail: a terrible pun in the name that doesn’t really make any sense and is only there to sound clever.

“Last Night I Dreamt That Someberry Loved Me”
2 parts Aloe Vera Juice
2 parts Acai Berry Juice (or something flavored with it)
2 parts Vodka

I’m not going to lie and say it was “too sweet” in an attempt to sound manly or like a true connoisseur of alcohol … this was good. What would make this even better would be to use some cheesecloth to filter out the aloe pieces. If those horrifying little sea monkeys were to be removed, this drink would be downright awesome.

Now that I have dealt with globs of slime, a scalded mouth, and plant-related inebriation, it can be officially declared: aloe vera juice is stupid. If you want a cleansed colon that badly, use some Pledge. And if you’re that intent on having a great immune system, just increase your Vitamin C intake the way most Americans get their daily recommended amount: Fruit Roll Ups.

Cereal Review: The Expired Cereal Experiment

Posted by robbposch on October 1, 2012

Posted in: Cereal Reviews, Food, Food Review. Tagged: cereal, food, food review, review, zug. 1 Comment

What happens when you eat nine cereals, ranging from 7 to 23 years old, besides cramping? Find out!

The Expired Cereal Experiment

My Week of Eating Nothing But Candy

Posted by robbposch on December 22, 2010

Posted in: Candy, Food, Food Review, Holidays. Tagged: candy, food, food review, review, zug. Leave a comment

It’s that wonderful time of year again. Where families gather to eat a metric ton of candy. Okay, maybe that isn’t the Norman Rockwellian image of Christmas that most are familiar with. But it does happen.

This year, it happens more than usual, since I spent an entire week eating nothing but Christmas candy. I’d say it’s for science, or for entertainment, or some other half-hearted reason. But mostly it’s because I really like eating candy. I guess I’ll see just how much…

My Week of Eating Nothing But Candy

The Thanksgiving Soda Taste Test

Posted by robbposch on November 5, 2010

Posted in: Soda Reviews. Tagged: review, soda, soda review, zug. Leave a comment

I know what you’re thinking: “Hey, there hasn’t been a poorly-written article on soda in a while.” Another soda article, you say? No problem!

Just in time for Thanksgiving (if Thanksgiving has already passed for you, it is just in time for next year’s Thanksgiving), I have exhaustively researched two of Jones Soda’s Thanksgiving offerings. Granted, one of the collections is from 2005 and the other one isn’t technically Thanksgiving-themed. But if a very loose attempt at tying themes together seems shocking, you haven’t read much on this site.

The Turkey Soda Taste Test

The Insane Cereal Experiment

Posted by robbposch on November 5, 2010

Posted in: Cereal Reviews, Food, Food Review. Tagged: cereal, food, food review, review, zug. Leave a comment

One of the very first things I ever did for this site, in its illustrious members.aol.com days, was about homemade cereal. I would get numerous (at least three) requests to visit that concept.

Now, thanks to advanced technology and an unlimited budget (neither of those things are true), we have the updated homemade cereal test.

Feast your eyes and appetites on:

The Insane Cereal Experiment

The Weird Gourmet Chocolate Taste Test Bonanza

Posted by robbposch on August 20, 2010

Posted in: Candy, Food, Food Review. Tagged: candy, food, food review, review, zug. Leave a comment

If you’re like me, you are interested in hearing about all of the new (disclaimer: most of them are not new) and interesting varieties of unique chocolates on the market.

More than likely, however, you’re just thinking “Hey do you know how I can kill ten or so minutes? I’m really bored.” In that case, I’ve got you covered as well.

Join me on an exciting (disclaimer: well… I’m sure you can figure this one out) adventure as I round up some of the best and worst gourmet chocolatiers have to offer.

The Bizarre Bar Chocolate Round Up.

The Miracle Berry Experience

Posted by robbposch on July 9, 2010

Posted in: Food, Food Review, Miscellaneous Reviews. Tagged: food, food review, zug. Leave a comment

Like the last article, in order to read this update you will have to take a magical journey to another site. Now, when you happen to stumble upon this site, you can exclaim with overwhelming indifference, “Oh… an update.”

One important thing to note is even though the article went live on June 28, it still took me almost two weeks to update coke-babies with a link to the article. Let me repeat that. It took me almost two weeks to update this site with work that was already done.

I hope I can shake this timing funk by the time I’m a father. Otherwise I’ll be putting together the crib when the kid is getting ready to go into fifth grade.

Anyway… the new article is a wonderful experiment in what happens when you eat a bunch of questionable foods under the powerful hallucinogenic effects of the miracle berry. Or miracle fruit. I need to put both in order to suck up as much Google search result power as I can. Also, the effects aren’t hallucinogenic. Although it can seem that way when you discover that you are eating lemons and drinking olive brine.

The experiment brought to you by mberry, who sponsored this event. Okay, it wasn’t actually sponsored at all. I had to pay for it. But I figured if I said I was sponsored I’d look cool like a NASCAR driver, and maybe get some free beef jerky. Or Tide. But the guys at mberry did contact me (they were faster to contact me than I was to update this site), and were very awesome, so that’s almost the same as being sponsored.

Now, stop wasting time here and go over to Zug.com to read the full exploits of…

The Miracle Berry Experiment.

Diet Coke-Babies

cereal, soda, and other important topics

zug

All posts tagged zug

Coke-Babies Classics : The Insane Cereal Experiment

Coke-Babies Classics: The Gourmet Chocolate Taste Test Bonanza

Coke-Babies Classics: The Miracle Berry Experiment

Coke-Babies Classics: The Aloe Vera Juice Experiment

Cereal Review: The Expired Cereal Experiment

The Expired Cereal Experiment

My Week of Eating Nothing But Candy

The Thanksgiving Soda Taste Test

The Insane Cereal Experiment

The Weird Gourmet Chocolate Taste Test Bonanza

The Miracle Berry Experience

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