Beverage Review: Marvel Slammers Milkshakes

Posted by robbposch on March 2, 2005
Posted in: Miscellaneous Reviews. Tagged: , , , , . 1 Comment

Every once in a while, I think that kids today are missing out, with the Golden Age of sugary licensed products in the past.  Candy and other related companies have become rather complacent.  Instead of pioneering new ways to get children to ingest buckets of sugar a day, they seem content to rely on their past successes. 

 

Then, recently, I discovered something that reaffirmed my faith in society.  Well, I didn’t actually recently discover it, and my faith in society hasn’t been fully reaffirmed, either.  I was in 7-11 after a hockey game, looking for something to drink.  I have read that drinking chocolate milk after physical activities is good, because it replenishes all of the things you lose by exercising.  Except your dignity.

 

So, I was in the chocolate milk section (surprisingly, there actually is a chocolate milk section) deciding if Yoo Hoo falls under the chocolate milk umbrella, or if the “chocolate milk” versus “chocolate drink” difference meant that buying a post-game Yoo Hoo was a mistake.  But then I remembered that “buying a Yoo Hoo” and “mistake” do not belong in the same sentence, and purchased it. 

 

While in the chocolate milk section, I came upon our subject matter:  Marvel Slammers Ultimate Milkshake.  Finding out the actual name of this product wasn’t easy; there are words all over the packaging, in varying sizes, colors, and fonts.  I decided to pass them over; I was too tired to drink something with a wrapper that brightly colored.

 

Then, recently, I came upon the mother lode of Slammers (not to be confused with POGs,) while shopping in… Waldbaum’s.  I bet you thought I was going to say Pathmark.  I think they have actually been carried in stores for a while, I just never noticed them.  I was probably confusing them with those other drinks that have the licensed character heads for a lid, and come in a variety of repugnant flavors and colors.  I think they are called Throat Washers, or something similarly perverse.

 

Realizing they were, in fact, different, I gave them a closer inspection.  With the combination of their garish packaging and some of their dubious flavor choices, I decided that they needed to be tried.

 

We will start off with the most popular flavor of milk (besides plain, I guess): chocolate.  To me, this seems like kind of a waste.  In a line of flavored milks, chocolate is almost definitely going to be the best seller.  So why pair it with Marvel’s most popular character?  Put Spidey on another flavor, since kids will buy it no matter what, and instead make Luke Cage Chocolate Milk.

 

Instead, they decided for an unstoppable duo.  So, without looking at any sort of sales charts or Chocolate Milk Business magazines, it is obvious that this is the line’s best seller.  For now, ignore what I said about the crazy packaging, as this is probably the blandest of them.  The most notable part of the label is that it claims it will give you “Spidey Sense.”  It does this by providing Omega 3 Fatty Acids, Vitamin E, and Choline.  I have no idea what Choline is, but according to PDRhealth.com, “The foods richest in phosphatidylcholine, the major delivery form of choline, are beef liver, egg yolks and soya. Beef liver, iceberg lettuce, peanut butter, peanuts and cauliflower are some foods that contain free choline.”

So, it seems that they are using the chocolate flavor to mask the taste of the liver and cauliflower that is included in the milk.

Oh yeah, apparently the Slammers each provide you with vitamins, minerals, etc, that coincide with whichever hero is represented.  The aforementioned ingredients are supposed to “boost your brain power” which is the same thing as having Spider Man’s ESP-like warning system in your body.  I guess.

Not only will you boost your brain power, you will also boost your waistline.  God DAMN, these Slammers are bad for you.  Granted, it is chocolate milk, but come on.  You definitely will “Hulk up” (get it?) your body with almost 40% of your daily saturated fat.  Another odd nutritional quirk is that apparently Captain America makes his own nutritional rules.

All of the other labels say that 5 grams of sat fat is 18% of your RDA.  Captain America doesn’t agree.  He thinks that 5 grams should be 25%.  No wonder he’s so ripped.

Anyway, back to chocolate Spider Man… how does it taste?  Actually, really good.  It is really thick, almost to the point of being creepy.  It is also very chocolaty, but not disgustingly so.  I only drank about one cup’s worth, and that was more than enough.  It was good, but the sweetness and thickness was hard to take eventually.  I didn’t bother with pictures, because you know what chocolate milk looks like.  Overall, a solid B+.

Next up, we have the aforementioned Captain America.  His flavor is “Red, White, & Blue Vanilla.”  Huh?  Is it a light purple?  That doesn’t make sense; that would be Hawkeye’s flavor.  Apparently we are supposed to ignore the red and white part, and realize that is just Blue Vanilla.  Uh, ew.

Making Captain America’s flavor vanilla is a great choice: boring flavor, boring character.  This drink’s benefit is that it is a “Super Serum” and provides you with 20% RDA of 10 essential vitamins.  What a rip off; Spider Man’s drink had almost all of those vitamins, and it also had Choline.

I was very interested in seeing just how blue the milk would be.  Okay, maybe not “very interested,” more like mildly intrigued.  I’m not that much of a loser.

 

Ugh.  I can’t believe I am about to put that inside me.

WOW, it is sweet.  Forget what I said about not being able to drink all of the chocolate flavor… this is the new benchmark.  I made it about three sips in and had to stop.  Imagine injecting a marshmallow with vanilla ice cream, soaking it in vanilla extract, and then coating that with cane sugar.  The blue milk was sweeter than that.  BLEH.  I’m still tasting it.

Not for long, though.  Like a true connoisseur, I am cleansing my palate between courses, with Fresca. 

I can’t really knock the milk for being too sweet; it isn’t being made for people like me.  It’s meant for children, not almost grown men who act like one.  Even still, I can’t imagine any kid drinking the whole bottle on purpose.  Overall grade… C-.

The next flavor, I must admit, I do not have any photographic evidence of, or much of a description.  It is Wolverine’s flavor: Fierce Caramel.  I don’t still have the bottle or the leftovers because I drank this on the way home, and threw out the bottle when I was cleaning my room by accident.

Marvels sexiest brunet gets the shaft here, being associated with an absolutely terrible flavor.  Caramel, no matter how you try to approach it, just is not acceptable as a milky drink.  In coffee, I guess, but not in milk. 

Sorry for the lack of information, but heed this warning:  stay away.  D.

The last two flavors feature characters from Marvel’s worst big budget movies.  First up are Daredevil and Elektra.  That’s right, Daredevil doesn’t even get his own flavor, he has to share it.  Hey, that’s what you get for being blind.

The label claims it helps your “Perception,” by including vitamin E, lycopene, and ginseng.  That sounds all well and good, except when the product’s co-spokesman is Daredevil, the only thing I assume drinking it is going to do is make me go blind. 

Even the flavor itself is something of an insult: Dark Strawberry.  I assume that it is dark because that’s all Daredevil sees. 

I should also not ignore Elektra, the drink’s other character.  In the comics, Elektra was awesome: she was an absolute psycho, a ninja, and, like all comic book females, hot.  Then Jennifer Garner went and turned her into a vaguely mannish loser.

 

Hmm, I don’t really see where the “dark” in “dark strawberry” comes in. The color is actually quite bright, very reminiscent of Pepto Bismol.  But hey, that’s cool; if it shares both a color and deliciousness level with Pepto Bismol, we’re good to go.

But no, it doesn’t.  It tastes like typical strawberry milk, except much thicker and much sweeter.  Damn it, I really wanted to like this flavor, since I really like strawberry milk.  I just can’t handle the sugar.  I can’t believe I just said that.

Overall, B-.

Finally, we have clearly the most interesting flavor.  Star of Marvel’s worst movie ever and one of the best roller coasters ever, The Hulk gets a flavor that has everything going for it: potential to be great, a greater potential to be horrible, and even odds to be overbearingly green.

Cookies & Green just sounds strange.  Obviously, it is supposed to taste like cookies and cream, except the oh-so-clever name twist enables them to pop the Hulk on the label.  And drinking this will give you “power,” with its B vitamins. 

 

Okay, that’s just gross.  It’s not even bright green, like everything associated with the Hulk is.  It’s almost an olive green, much darker than the picture suggests.  Well, the visual aesthetics are only part of the package, so how does it taste?  Damn good.  Wow, I am very surprised.  It tastes just like the name suggests, like melted cookies and cream ice cream.  It doesn’t have the over the top sweetness the other flavors have.  While it is definitely very sweet, it keeps it somewhat under control.

 

Cool name, scary color, and great taste. A-.

 

An overabundance of sugar, an array of strange colors, a variety of vitamins, and the inevitable raging stomach ache.  I’ll call that a night.

Beverage Review: e-Moo and RPM Flavored Milks

Posted by robbposch on January 31, 2005
Posted in: Miscellaneous Reviews. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

Many things go hand in hand with milk: cookies, cereal, coffee, and a multitude of things that don’t begin with “C.”  One thing that doesn’t spring to mind is another “C”: carbonation.  And yet, while shopping in Pathmark, I recently came across a variety of beverages that feature carbonated milk.  Of course, the whole “shopping at Pathmark” thing explains a lot, but not enough.

 

 

Carbonated milk isn’t completely unheard of; egg creams are good, as well as drinks made of three parts Sprite and one part milk (it’s really good, try it.)  Even with those being considered, something about the idea of carbonated milk makes me cringe.  Maybe I’m too old for this fad.  Is this popular in grammar school and junior high?  I’ve usually got my finger on the pulse of what’s going on in children’s culture (ignore the fact that that sentence conjures up weird imagery,) but I must admit I am at a loss here.

 

Although there’s also a good chance it’s not a fad, and is in fact just something gross that’s going on at Pathmark, which would make perfect sense.  That being said, I am proud (?) to present to you e-Moo and RPM carbonated milk beverages.

 

 

Despite the fact that the other drinks are named “e-Moo,” RPM somehow manages to have an even more incredible label.  It describes itself as: “A NUTRITIOUS BEVERAGE” for active lifestyles!  The odd placement of quotation marks and the odd usage of capitalization get things started off on the right foot.  The right foot being the one that puts the pedal to the metal, since after all, this is RPM we’re talking about.  Get it?  Ugh.

 

It declares that it provides calcium, magnesium, and potassium.  I like to think that I am fairly well educated when it comes to health matters (ignore everything I have ever said about what I eat, and that becomes a more believable statement,) but I must admit that I haven’t heard too much about the importance of magnesium.  But they brag about it on the label, so I guess it’s important.

 

RPM also has some bizarre ingredients, and the ingredients that aren’t bizarre just sound strange.  Among the weirder ones are crystalline fructose (sugar, I assume,) and calcium lactate, which is used to aid mothers and fathers in breast feeding.

 

While perusing the ingredients, the one that stood out the most was coffee.  Oh well, I guess I’m going to dislike the taste, since I hate all things coffee.  I’ll still try it, but don’t expect glowing reviews.  A carbonated, milky coffee beverage… I can’t wait.

 

Wait a minute; it lists decaffeinated coffee as the ingredient.  Wait a minute, decaf?  I assume I am not the only one getting the impression that a drink called RPM, and a logo of a speedometer hitting high speeds, would be moderately caffeinated at the very least. 

 

I was concerned about the lack of caffeine until I was completely distracted by bottom of the front of the label.  In bold, capitalized red letters, it just says “MALGAXE.”  What the hell?  I have gone from being unhappy about the impending taste to downright frightened of drinking this.  What the hell is Malgaxe? 

 

 

Let’s just get this over with.

 

And, it tastes pretty much how you’d expect: coffee with milk.  And bubbles.

 

From the rather mundane coffee taste of RPM, we move onto something that has the potential to be utterly disastrous.  There are many good things about e-Moo, but they’re mostly for the wrong reasons.  The name, the colors, the flavor names… e-Moo’s got it all.

 

 

First of all, the name, “e-Moo”?  I don’t get it.  There is absolutely no explanation given as to why it is named that.  Is it the official garishly colored carbonated milk of the information superhighway?  Or is it made of emu milk?  I would think that if that was the case, it would be a lot more expensive. 

 

Either way, the lack of explanation just makes the name uncomfortable. 

Beyond the name, there is nothing too bizarre about the label, nothing close to the creepiness of RPM’s random capitalization and the “MALGAXE” fiasco.  The names of the flavors are pretty dumb:  Orange Sparkle, Mooberry, and Chocolate Zing.

 

I decided to try the most frightening looking one first.  That, of course, is the one that is safety-cone-orange colored.  It smelled okay, like a Creamsicle.  It tasted, well, like a Creamsicle.  More precisely, it tasted like a Creamsicle that came from a defective batch, due to the intense amounts of sugar it contained.  Seriously.  Drinking this was like being thrust into the middle of a Mountain Dew commercial.  Intense.

 

 

And by intense, I mean unpleasant.  I can’t say it was terrible, it was just horribly sweet.  I also got sick fairly soon after drinking this, and had to postpone the next two flavors until the next night (which is actually now.)  I can’t prove this is because of the Orange Sparkle, but I have my suspicions.

 

So, after twice the recommended serving of Pepto Bismol and a good night’s rest, I was ready to tackle the final two… or was I?

 

Yes.  I was.

 

I decided to save what I assumed would be the best for last, and drank the Mooberry first.  Oddly enough, this would be less disturbing looking if the color was brighter.  Instead, it is a murky purple, like a cherry vanilla ice cream that melted.  Except more purple, I guess.  The best way to describe it is to imagine the least pleasant shade of purple you can think of, and it’s probably pretty close to Mooberry.

 

I still can’t get used to the idea of opening milk and hearing the telltale “sshhhhccccchglkjdfhl” sound it makes when you open a bottle of soda.  It smelled pretty good actually, like the milk you get after eating a huge bowl of Crunch Berries.  And it wound up tasting very similar to that, as well.  Except much, much sweeter.  And when something is much sweeter than Crunch Berries, that’s saying quite a lot.  Quite a lot of bad things.

 

So Mooberry would be pretty good if it weren’t for the creepy fizzy texture.  It makes drinking it completely confusing, and in a horrible way.  You can pull off surprising tastes and textures with food; it just has to be done well.  Crunch and Munch is sweet and salty at the same time, and it tastes great.  I can’t actually think of any texture examples, but I shouldn’t have to.  I don’t think I need to bring up evidence to support my claim that bubbly fruit milk is just flat out weird. 

 

Finally, it was time for “Chocolate Zing” E-Moo.  It smelled like the bottom of a bottle of Quik, if you didn’t shake it before drinking.  This appears to be the running trend with e-Moo, spasm inducing sweetness.

 

It actually smelled a lot sweeter than it actually was.  It actually tasted pretty good, and the carbonation wasn’t that weird.  I guess it’s because the chocolate flavor made it just taste like a chocolate egg cream, so it wasn’t such a shock to the system.  The biggest downside to this flavor is that it contains the ingredient “Carrageenan,” which really doesn’t sound like something I want inside me.

 

After deciding that the chocolate flavor was good, I realized that the orange and berry flavors are probably just disgusting no matter what, with or without carbonation. 

 

And I guess that’s true in all aspects of life.  If something sucks, no amount of carbonation is going to save it.  I know that might not be the easiest thing to hear at this point in your life, but it is best to hear if from someone you can trust.

Keep Christ In Christmas-Themed Foodstuffs

Posted by robbposch on December 24, 2004
Posted in: Candy, Food, Holidays. Tagged: , , , , . Leave a comment

If you have been inside a supermarket within the past few weeks, you may have noticed the same startling discovery that I have.  There are no more Christmas cereals.  This is strange, for a variety of reasons.  

 

First, cereals usually keep up with holidays.  Well, Halloween at least.  But Halloween and Christmas are the two biggest holidays when it comes to making all sorts of themed crap.  Candy, cereal, Ziploc bags, as well as approximately 11,000 other things get a packaging makeover during these two holiday seasons.  The third biggest season, Easter, probably comes close to Halloween when it comes to sales, what with the candy and Paas egg dyes and all.  However, society hasn’t found a way to completely secularize Easter, which is why it won’t be able to overtake Halloween for overall sales.  I think that’s the top three, unless I’m forgetting one. 

 

During the Halloween season, there were many cereals that were redesigned, be it in recipe, packaging, or both.  Cocoa Krispies, Lucky Charms, and of course the monster cereals become a ubiquitous force during Halloween.

 

And yet here it is, Christmas season, and there are no Christmas cereals to be found.  There aren’t even “holiday” cereals.  There are Winter Lucky Charms, but that’s nonsense.  That’s two degrees of separation from Christmas, which is too far to be considered.

 

Christmas Crunch, the re-colored Crunch Berry cereal, is gone.  I don’t know if it was around last year, either.  I don’t think I ever actually bought it.  I know that I can’t personally be blamed for its disappearance, since there are thousands of people who will buy things like that, so Quaker Oats wasn’t missing my $3.79.  I bought a few Snapples, it evened out.  And Christmas Crunch was hardcore.  It wasn’t “Holiday” Crunch, just no holds barred “Christmas.”

 

I would include a picture of Christmas Crunch, but I haven’t found one by the third page of Google images, so I gave up.

 

I also know that Super Golden Crisp used to get redesigned for Christmas.  Sugar Bear used to have a Santa hat on.  It also came with an ornament of Santa Sugar Bear, which is hanging on my tree right now. 

 

 

That part of the tree is so awesome.  I don’t know what’s up with the “Mommy’s Big Boy” ornament, though.  That’s kind of disturbing.

And, the most conspicuous of the missing cereals, is Fruity Pebbles.  They had the Christmas commercial.  “Season’s greetings in our souls, yummy Fruity Pebbles in our bowls.  Ho ho ho, I’m h-h-hungry…”  That one.  I haven’t seen that one for a while, either. 

 

I do realize, in retrospect, that that commercial had some screwy morals.  Barney dresses up like Santa in order to steal Fred’s Fruity Pebbles, Barney gets caught, Fred gets pressured by Santa into giving Barney some Fruity Pebbles, and they all partake in some Christmas cheer.  So, basically, this teaches Barney that it is alright to attempt thievery of your supposed best friend; even Santa is fine with this.  What will happen next time Barney attempts this?  Barney will sneak into Fred’s house to steal some Fruity Pebbles, Fred will mistake Barney for a malicious intruder, and shoot him dead.  All of this will happen because of Santa’s reinforcing of poor misguided Barney.

 

And what was the deal with Fred and his Fruity Pebbles?  Did he manufacture them himself?  If that was the case, I could understand Barney’s need to steal them; that’s the only way to get them.  Although Fruity Pebbles are not something I would exert much effort to obtain, but whatever he’s into, I guess.  I am assuming that Fred bought the Pebbles though, since a box of them and a box of Cocoa Pebbles always appeared on the table at the end of the commercial.  So unless Fred has the ability to manufacture both a processed cereal and packaging, I have to assume he bought the cereal at the Bedrock market.

 

If Fred did buy the cereal, why couldn’t Barney do the same?  Was he poor?  He had a baby, he could get WIC checks and get cereal that way, although he would only be able to get Cheerios and Life and such.  Oh well, looks like it will continue to be a life of crime for him.

 

As I was originally saying, I think, it is surprising to go from the once glorious cereal-Christmas relationship to the shameful, long distance relationship they now have.  And speaking of shameful…

 

 

Evidently, Willy Wonka has jumped on the holiday bandwagon, and is whoring out his noble Gobstopper for a few pieces of Christmas silver.  This wasn’t my initial reaction, mind you; this is how I feel after sampling the product in question.  And what product is that?  Why, Gobstopper candy canes. 

 

It seems like such a perfect combination: Gobstoppers, one of the greatest hard candies ever, and candy canes, which are not one of the greatest hard candies ever.  But they look cool. 

 

Somehow, these manage to get everything wrong.  Fruit candy canes just don’t seem to work.  It also is missing everything that makes a Gobstopper so good: the rough, grainy texture of the first layer, and the awesome core.  The candy cane has none of this. 

 

 

The coloring is also odd.  I know red and green are the official Christmas colors and white is in a candy cane as well, but the way the candy canes are arranged look dumb.  Instead of being striped, they are solid colors.  This leads to them simply looking unappealing.  And, when placed next to each other, they look like the Mexican flag.  Or the Italian one.  It depends which order they are in.

 

Bottom line:  big thumbs down to Gobstopper candy canes.  Shame on you, Wonka.

 

And, in keeping with the tradition that every time the concept of Christmas is mentioned, other holidays must be mentioned as well, here is a short feature on Hanukkah.  Unfortunately, I decided to do this after Hanukkah was actually over, so the selection of merchandise was somewhat limited.

 

Luckily, I was able to snag this sweet bag of Manischewitz Chocolate Coins.  I think, except for Matzo crackers (which are delicious,) this is the first Manischewitz product I have ever purchased not for novelty purposes.

 

I assume that the chocolate coin thing is some sort of traditional symbol or something, although I honestly don’t know; although if it was, I would expect more of a Jewish theme to the coins.  Instead, they are replicas of US quarters and half dollars.  This provided me with an opportunity to make a tasteless visual joke, with Kennedy’s chocolate brains coming out of the back of his head, but the lighting just wasn’t right. 

 

The coins come in a cool little bag, the kind oranges usually come in.  The wrappers don’t skimp on the shine, either.  The chocolate is just plain milk chocolate; not great, but not bad at all.  Overall, chocolate coins get a big thumbs up.

 

 

Here is my impersonation of the principal from “Welcome Freshman” when he finds the quarter in the pay phone at the beginning of the show.  However, instead of biting into metal, I am biting into foil and chocolate.  So I sort of win.

Man, what a stupid Christmas article.

Soda Review: It Came From the Basement!

Posted by robbposch on December 5, 2004
Posted in: Soda Reviews. Tagged: , , . 1 Comment

I don’t even know how this started.  When in my basement, looking for canned pineapple chunks (we only had crushed,) I found a can of Cel-Ray soda.  If you aren’t familiar with it, I will get to that soon.  The point is, I decided that drinking a can of it and writing about the experience would be a good thing.  That’s correct… I thought it would be a good thing. 

 

So, I brought the can up to my room, and it sat there for a few days.  I lacked the courage.  I then decided that if I was going to ruin my day by drinking one horrid beverage, I may as well partake in a variety of frightening taste adventures.  Luckily, this would not be difficult, since my basement contains a variety of peculiar drinks.

 

 

Armed with a not very good idea and no common sense, I headed down to the basement to gather other drinks of Cel-Ray’s caliber.  I was able to find a few others, as well as a few legitimate sodas that had some extraordinary properties.

 

Since the idea started with Cel-Ray, I may as well start off with it.  In order to get a clear idea of why Cel-Ray is such a suspicious beverage, you must understand what the can describes it as:  a Celery flavored soda with other natural flavors.  Celery?  What are the other natural flavors, ranch dressing? 

 

Oddly enough, Cel-Ray’s strongest flaw isn’t that it is celery flavored.  The biggest drawback to Cel-Ray is that it is made by Dr. Brown’s, a company that is dedicated to producing creepy sodas like this, as well as terrible versions of good flavors.  I recently was in NYC, getting dessert in a diner that was described as “great for dessert.”  It turned out that the vast majority of the desserts were just slices of cheesecake the size of my head.  So, I ordered what seemed like the safest bet on the menu, a root beer float.  It was served in the following manner: a glass with a scoop of ice cream in it, and an unopened can of Dr. Brown’s Root Beer. 

 

Here is a hint to any restaurant owners or potential restaurant owners: if you are going to use bargain brand sodas in your root beer floats, do not serve the soda still in its can.  I don’t even know if Dr. Brown’s is a bargain brand, I just assume that from its horrid taste, that the price is fair to reasonable.  Also, since I chew my fingernails off, opening soda cans can be difficult for me; I usually need the assistance of a quarter or a spoon handle.  Anyway, the root beer float wound up being rather terrible, thanks in no small part to Dr. Brown’s sarsaparilla-gone-wrong flavor. 

 

Which, somehow, brings us back to Cel-Ray soda.  Given that very interesting back story of my experience with Dr. Brown’s soda, combined with the fact that it is a celery flavored soda, it goes without saying that it needed to be tried.

 

There is absolutely nothing that makes it appealing; even the can is the color of vomit.  A good sign?  Maybe, but it really depends on what you are hoping the outcome will be.  If you are hoping the outcome will be me taking twice the recommended dosage of Imodium AD just to stop fluid loss, then yes, the green color is a good sign.  However, if you are looking at the can in a supermarket, pondering its potential deliciousness, then no, this shade of green is not a good sign. 

 

Luckily, if you are watching your calorie intake, but can’t shake those sweetened celery cravings, Dr. Brown’s has the answer: Diet Cel-Ray.  As opposed to regular Cel-Ray’s pimento-less olive color, the diet can is a rather lovely shade of yellow, possibly canary.  Unfortunately, the idea of an aspartame sweetened celery soda is about three and a half times more frightening than a regular celery soda. 

 

And in case you might be thinking that the color of the can is the worst thing about Cel-Ray’s appearance, you would be wrong.  The soda itself bears a very unsettling resemblance to another celery flavored liquid: urine.

 

Since dwelling on that fact was only making things worse, I bit the bullet, or swallowed the celery, whichever you prefer.  Since I was bracing for the absolute worst, anything that wasn’t the worst would be good, or something along those lines.  Basically, Cel-Ray wasn’t terrible, but it doesn’t even enter the realm of acceptable.  It doesn’t even taste like celery, which really is a letdown.  If it is going to be a gross soda, it might as well be a gross soda that tastes like a vegetable.  At least then it would have the novelty factor going for it.  Then it could be sold on eBay for $80 like green bean flavored Jones soda. 

 

Instead, it is just some weird, almost citrusy (which, apparently, isn’t even a word,) piss drink.  The diet is no better; in fact the diet is worse, much worse.  It has the unpleasant taste of Cel-Ray, coupled with the harshness of the artificial sweetener. 

 

End result:  Cel-Ray does not taste as frightening as it appears.  However, it appearance is enough to make sure it stays far, far away, where it should be.

 

Next up on the Carousel of Sadness is Moxie.  Moxie has been a staple in my basement since I can remember.  Growing up, I remember always seeing Moxie in the basement.  I don’t, however, ever remember seeing Moxie anywhere in my house besides the basement.  I’m barely through the first paragraph, and I am already sick of the word Moxie.

 

 

I don’t know too much about Moxie, except for the fact that it is coffee flavored, and that I never really see it for sale anywhere.  Yet here it is, in both bottled and canned variety.  Although the canned soda is the diet version, since even sensible drinkers need something disgusting to drink once in a while.

 

Despite the fact that I absolutely hate coffee and anything coffee flavored, I went ahead and tried both.  And, surprisingly, neither of them tastes too much like coffee.  The initial taste is very cola-ish, but then there is a fairly strong coffee aftertaste.  The coffee flavor isn’t overwhelming; in fact I could probably make it through a whole can of it.  I sure as hell wouldn’t be very happy about it, but I’d manage.  The diet actually seems to have a better taste, although the coffee aspect is much harsher.  It tastes like a good diet cola, then punches you in the face with an artificially sweetened coffee assault.  The aftertaste of the regular Moxie is more of a slap across the face, but not as bad as diet’s aftertaste.  The overall taste of regular Moxie is just kind of gross.

 

So far I have braved two frightening types of soda, in both regular and potentially disastrous diet versions.  Surprisingly, they weren’t as bad as they seemed.  Of course, I will never again drink any of them, unless I feel like cracking open a can of Cel-Ray so I can make the world’s most disgusting Tom Collins.

 

It seems that I may need to look outside the US for a truly horrifying beverage.  I may need to look towards Mexico, or wherever Goya products come from.  Next on the agenda is Goya Guava Nectar.  I must admit that I really am cheating here, as I really enjoy some Goya nectars, and I have no problem with Guava.  Goya has some much scarier flavors, including Guanabana and Tamarind, whatever the hell they are.  I have tried both of those flavors, and neither was very good.  In fact, one of them was downright disgusting, I just don’t remember which one. 

 

 

I had to check the Goya website (whose server is probably running off a Packard Bell) in order to get the correct spelling of Guanabana.  When I was there, I found out they also make a Sugar Cane flavor of nectar, which I don’t get at all.  The Goya site is pretty interesting, actually.  It has all the benefits of mocking those less fortunate than you, but with none of the guilt that tends to come with it. 

 

I found out that Malta Goya, which I always thought was Mexican beer, is really just a soda made with hops and barley.  That is both a let down and more than a little foul.  I also learned that their “HOT PRODUCTS” include a new, light version of Adobo; which leads me to believe that Goya would be far more successful if they named all of their products after Double Dragon characters.

 

Except for those few that I mentioned, the Goya nectars are actually really good.  They have enough sugar to give a diabetic person a halo, but are still delicious.  So even though I knew ahead of time that the nectars I have had were good, I added this to the list because Goya is just creepy in general.  Plus guava is a weird flavor; I think even Snapple dropped that one eventually. 

 

If you think soda has a lot of a lot of sugar and calories, Goya laughs at you.  This 12 oz. can packs 240 calories and 48 grams of sugar.  Although it does have 100% of your daily RDA of vitamin C, so it evens out a little.

 

Tasting the nectar was difficult, because when I tried to open it, the tab broke off.  Thanks to some ingenuity, and a screwdriver, I was able to get it open.  The color is a very bold pink, the color of melted watermelon sorbet, or the vomit of a person with a stomach virus when the Pepto just isn’t working.  The strongest aspect of the nectar is the smell.  I don’t mean “strongest” like “best,” I mean it like “strongest.”  And by “strongest” I mean I can smell it from over four feet away.  The taste is actually pretty good, but it’s one of those “you’d never make it more than three sips into it” kinds of good. 

 

I don’t know if the Goya is connected, but I suddenly have a pretty bad headache.

 

 

The next item on the agenda should not be bad at all.  In fact, if the label is any indication, it should be awesome.  I assume this, because I am about to sample Milligan’s Island AWESOME Root Beer.  The label boasts that they have been “fooling the public since 1492,” and I have no idea what that even means.  It is a fairly sinister claim to make on your product’s packaging. 

 

Another interesting aspect is that they give you options as to what to believe are the actual ingredients.  It lists its sweetener as “cane sugar or high fructose corn syrup.”  Given the fact that cane sugar costs an assload more than HFCS (the health magazines’ abbreviation for the corn syrup,) I’m going to assume that cane sugar did not come out victorious as the chosen ingredient. 

 

As far as smell and taste goes, here’s where it gets interesting… by pulling the ol’ switcheroo and being not interesting at all.  It tastes and smells like any other root beer, except Dr. Brown’s, since it wasn’t disgusting.  It was fairly sweet, more A&W than Barq’s.  Barq’s has bite; the hot dog vendor told me so.  A&W has Snoopy, so A&W wins.  Mug sucks.

 

I do think that their claim of “AWESOME” was rather lofty, but they do a good job of walking the talk.  Which is difficult with no legs.  Wow, that was dumb.

 

For the final beverages, there isn’t any surprise as far as brand names go.  Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi, nothing shocking there.  The reason they are being sampled here is because their expiration dates were from last millennium.  That sounds more impressive than it actually is, but they still are quite old.  The Diet Pepsi’s expired in January of 1998. 

Even weirder is that I didn’t just find an isolated can; I found a whole 24 pack.  The Diet Coke, which was by itself, passed its prime in 1996.  That’s eight years ago.

 

 

The reason there are two cans of Diet Pepsi pictured is because on of the cans has mysteriously lost almost all of its contents.  There are no holes or leaks anywhere on the can, and yet it barely weighs more than an empty can.  WEIRD.  While I could probably compile a pretty good one, drinking this will definitely go on the list of stupidest things I have ever done. 

 

For some reason, the light can was very difficult to open.  There is a distinct impression of the can’s tab in my index finger.  And, not surprisingly, it didn’t even fill half the cup.  It also didn’t make that thssss sound when you open a can of soda; there was no carbonation.  It also didn’t pour like a soda; it was more of a brown sludge, almost like a thin Hershey’s syrup.  It smelled okay, so, assuming that it couldn’t somehow turn poisonous in the can, I gulped it down.

 

It feels like I drank paint.

My throat is now coated with a very noticeable layer of Diet Pepsi syrup.  Taste wise, it wasn’t the worst thing ever; it just tasted like really thick, bitter Diet Pepsi.  The worst aspect of drinking it is the now overwhelming sense of fear that I will soon die, or develop some horrible rash in my throat.  Luckily(?) I have the other can of Diet Pepsi to help wash it down.

 

The other can of Diet Pepsi, on the other had, had a huge rush of air when opened.  It also has a really little mouth, which at first seemed quaint, then made me feel depressed for some reason.  It smelled like normal soda, except maybe not as sweet.  It also tasted the same way.  After the first Diet Pepsi experience, this one was rather anticlimactic.

 

Saving the oldest for last, we now come to the Diet Coke of 1996.  I tried getting a picture of the bottom of the can, but it just didn’t want to work.  I have no clue how to work my camera besides pointing and shooting.  I even tried changing the setting on the front of my camera to the flower icon, but it didn’t help.  This was another can that was a hassle to open, because for some reason the can’s tab didn’t fit in the mouth.  I don’t know if some craziness was going on for the past eight years, or if it was a defect all along, but the tab was about a half inch bigger than the mouth.  I’m trying to make that tidbit of information interesting, but it really just isn’t working.  I’m starting to feel dizzy from the Diet Pepsi Sludge.

 

 

The Diet Coke was somehow more carbonated than a normal can of soda, but didn’t have too much taste.  The most interesting thing about the can is that they are promoting the brand new “on-line” Diet Coke web site.  L337.

 

And, finally, as a bonus addition to the beverage bonanza, is Pepsi-Cola Holiday Spice.  I’m sure that by know you have all seen it and either tried it or ignored it.  It’s reddish, it’s thicker than normal Pepsi, and has more than a vague aftertaste of potpourri.  It is actually quite good the first sip or two, then plateaus immediately.  After that, it is an exercise in sheer will, can you finish the whole can / bottle without giving up?  If you do, you will be rewarded with the knowledge that you accomplished a great feat. 

 

 

Instead of drinking them, I recommend buying a few twelve packs, and storing them in your basement.  Then, in ten years, sell the cans on eBay.  It would be like being able to sell Crystal Pepsi now.  The Urban Outfitters kids would go nutty over it.

 

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go drink a lot of Pepto Bismol and Listerine.  And no, I don’t mean rinse my mouth out with it.  I mean drink it.

Florida 2004

Posted by robbposch on November 17, 2004
Posted in: Florida. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a comment

Well, here we are, back in Florida.  Don’t worry; this won’t entirely be a pointless retread of previously done topics.  Although there will be some of that.  Sorry.  Almost all of it has been discussed before, so it will definitely be overlooked, save for some changes and new additions to the parks.

The first day was one of the most hardcore of all.  This trip, there were time constraints deluxe, so we didn’t have the luxury of having one day dedicated to traveling down.  So day one involved going to the airport at 5:00 AM and heading directly from the Orlando airport to Universal Studios.  Luckily, we had previously arranged transportation, thanks to Adam (of Florida I fame.)  Not that this made traveling at five in the morning much better, but it was better than taking public transportation.  I don’t really know how Floridians without cars get around, besides Rollerblades, but I think that’s more of a Miami thing.

So, somewhat surreally, we had gone from Long Island to Universal Studios in about five hours.  Amy and I had purchased all of our tickets online, and Adam was buying an annual pass, which is where we ran into our first major problem.  Last year, we learned that the lines at Halloween Horror Nights are ridiculous, so we planned ahead and bought an Express Pass (that is the first and only time I will capitalize that term) online with the rest of the park tickets.  I repeatedly reminded Adam to get his, since a lot of days had sold out of them.  However, since he is a failure at life, he never bought it.  Then at Universal, we were told that the Horror Nights express passes were sold out.

 

We decided to not let that ruin the rest of the day, and that we would worry about it tomorrow.  Besides that stumbling block, I must say that this year’s visit to Universal was about seven thousand times better than last year’s, for a few reasons.  First, Jaws was open.  It still isn’t a great ride, but it was open and as mildly entertaining as always.  Second, the lines were tolerable all day, nothing too bad, so even when we went on a ride that wasn’t that great, at least we didn’t wait that long for it.  Finally, this year was the first time that I got to go on the Revenge of the Mummy ride.  And, just to clarify…

“THE REVENGE OF THE

MUMMY” IS THE

GREATEST THING THAT

ANY HUMAN BEING

HAS EVER CREATED.

It is still very close to Spider Man in terms of my favorite ride, but it is very possible that the Mummy has taken over the number one spot.  It might be partially due to the fact that it was a new ride for me, so I guess I will see next year if it remains just as good.  I can’t even be bothered to try to make these paragraphs interesting or amusing, I just need to express my undying love for this ride.  And if you have been on this ride, and you didn’t like it that much, I hate you.  Seriously.

And that was Universal Studios.  I don’t think anything else very memorable happened; there wasn’t even a single picture taken there.

 

Not much was different at Islands of Adventure this year.  Popeye said that Adam and I were a pain in the ass, the Triceratops Encounter was still closed, and everything else was still awesome.

Halloween Horror Nights was somewhat different this year.  Instead of taking place entirely in Islands of Adventure or in Universal Studios, as it had been in past years, it spanned both parks.  Now, you might think, “That sounds good, two parks means twice the terror.”  And you would be wrong.  Twice the terror, no.  Twice the walking, yes.

The “twice the terror” argument went right out the window right upon reentering the park for Horror Nights.  Walking around, the costumed characters and scenery were thinned out; there were much less than last year.  Entering Marvel Island, which was done very well last year with the “toxic foam party” motif, really cemented the fact that things had taken a turn.  There was basically no Halloween scenery, and almost no characters.  The only characters in Marvel Island, inexplicably, were all wearing stilts.  And they weren’t even good costumes on stilts; they were mostly costumes that you would buy at Party City, including trampy vampire and slutty witch.  The oddest character, without a doubt, was the gay cowboy.  How we knew he was a gay cowboy was simple; he was wearing a cowboy hat and chaps… and a tight pink shirt.  Now normally, gay cowboys on stilts are a recipe for success, but not here, and not now.

The haunted houses, by the way, were very good.  Not “waiting for eleven hours to go in all seven” good, but we didn’t have to worry about that.  At the start of the day, we managed to convince customer service to let us buy an express pass, which they took from group sales.  Excellent.

We had assumed that while haunted houses should be entertaining enough, they would be even more entertaining while inebriated.  This had been working well so far, until we added something else into the mix.  Fried Oreos.

 

I have had fried Twinkies before at Six Flags, and they were terrible.  Despite that, I still felt that fried Oreos needed to be tried.  And I made the right decision.  They were awesome.  They tasted pretty much like you would expect them to; hot, mushy chocolate covered in a zeppole like shell.  Oh, and about four pounds of powdered sugar.

About fifteen minutes after eating them, I discovered that they are not the best food to eat when you have been drinking.  At the same time, the only time you would eat a food like this is when you have been drinking, so it’s a vicious cycle.  They began to make me cripplingly ill, so I was forced to stop buying the $6 refills of booze for a while.

Overall, having the event spread across both parks made it not nearly as good as when it was just in Islands of Adventure.  If they need more room to accommodate more people, that’s fine.  However, then they need to spend the extra money to fill every part of the park with characters and scenery, since the areas without it detract from the mood.  On the plus side, it still is a lot of fun, Jaws is much better at night, and we got to go on the Mummy again.

Day three was Disney World.  And yes, technically all the parks encompass Disney World and the park we went to is actually referred to as The Magic Kingdom.  Forget it; that’s stupid.  When I say Disney World, you know what I’m talking about.

Disney World was as it always is, not that great, but definitely good enough to make you want to go back.  This park definitely brings up more mixed emotions than any other.  At certain points you are ready to either kill yourself or someone else, whichever is easier, but then something totally awesome happens and all the bad stuff momentarily evacuates your mind.

 

In order to get the day started right, we didn’t head towards a ride.  Instead, we went right to the adventure area of the park, to partake in some magical Disney delights.  Pineapple floats.  I mentioned these when I wrote about Disney last time, but I really don’t think I gave them their proper due.  I can tell I didn’t write enough about them because the paragraph they were mentioned in was less than five hundred words.  Again, for the sake of brevity, I can not go as far into detail as I would like.

 

The biggest difference this year was that the Alien Encounter ride was closed.  In its place was a new ride, with Stitch as the central character.  Stitch’s Great Escape is basically the same exact ride as Alien Encounter, except with Stitch replacing the original alien.  Apparently, Disney was getting a lot of complaints that the original version was too frightening, so they had to tone it down.  So it went from lame ride to lame ride with a licensed character.  Well, at least the sign is better looking now.

The other thing that was different this year was arguably the worst thing to ever happen to me.  Due to reasons that were never explained, “it’s a small world” was closed.  I can’t even go into further detail, there were no clues given as to why this ride was not open.  I need to change the subject; it’s too hard to talk about this.

Uh, well that’s pretty much it for Disney World.  Besides “it’s a small world” being closed, nothing too out of the ordinary happened.

While getting ready the next morning, I noticed that we neglected to remember daylight savings time, and were therefore an hour ahead of schedule.  What this meant was that we had time to get breakfast before going to Epcot, our final park.  We got breakfast at Shoney’s.  If you are not familiar with this restaurant, the best way I have thought to describe it is like Denny’s without the class.  It was basically a breakfast buffet, although it almost turned out disastrous for me.

At the buffet, I came across a section that contained bacon, sausages, and Canadian bacon.  I added a few pieces of Canadian bacon to my plate, and sat back down.  When Amy saw it, she asked why I had gotten it.  I answered simply, saying because I like Canadian bacon.  However, after looking at Adam’s facial expression, and his plate that contained partially eaten Canadian bacon, I knew something was amiss.  It turned out that it was, in fact, not Canadian bacon.  It was baked bologna.  What??? Why does this exist, let alone being served to the public?  I could see this being served, maybe, in Alabama.  But not in Orlando; Orlando is only somewhat white trash.  So, thanks to their warning, I narrowly avoided eating the baked bologna.  Which, they realized right after, was a mistake on their part.

After Shoney’s, it was on to Epcot.  I haven’t been here since I was a kid, and I remembered it as being boring.  And I was right.  Although since I was there last, they did add some new rides.  In fact, Krissa declared one of the rides at Epcot to be number one in the “Top Seven Must See Attractions in Walt Disney World.”  Although as I would later find out, eating at Shoney’s then going on simulation rides is one of the “Top Seven Things to Never, Ever Do.”

The day at Epcot got off to a great start, but it was for a very odd reason.  While we were heading into the park, I saw Mickey standing out in the open, posing with kids.  Granted, that might not seem rare; that is an image that they show in every single advertisement for the Disney parks.  However, think of the last time you actually saw this.  It was probably in 1987, or somewhere around there.  Now at Disney World, they have a schedule, where you can meet Mickey at certain times, in his house in Toontown.  Instead of that crap, this Mickey is hardcore, just hanging out with kids.  This Mickey was OG.

As with any mathematical equation, with every peak there must be a valley.  Despite the fact that Epcot isn’t a mathematical equation, and despite the fact that the first sentence is a lie, what this means is that the first ride we went on sucked.  Got it?  Cool.

Spaceship Earth takes place in Epcot’s trademark globe/sphere/golf ball/whatever.  This ride is equivalent to biting into a Ferrero Rocher, and having it filled with feces.  There is a sign posted in the line area, specifically stating that it is a “SLOW MOVING” ride.  This might be because people are expecting a Space Mountain ride, or maybe they just assume that a ride that takes place in one of the most recognizable symbols in America will be exciting.  And they would be wrong.

You sit in cars that are similar to the blue trams that take you around Tomorrowland.  The ride takes you on a journey through history, and I must honestly say I’m not even sure of the central theme.  I think it has to do with inventions, or the progress of mankind.  If this is the case, it pales in comparison to the infinitely superior Carousel of Progress.  Now I know what you’re thinking, it isn’t fair to compare things to the Carousel of Progress, and that is a good point.  Unfortunately, that’s what Spaceship Earth seems to be, a Carousel of Progress spin off that follows the progress since “the dawn of time,” rather than “the turn of the century,” as it did in the Carousel.  Also, Spaceship Earth lacks an amazing theme song.  I could be wrong about the whole theme of the ride, though, I wasn’t actually paying too much attention.  I don’t even know what the name of the ride means.

After this, we walked (but still moved faster than Spaceship Earth) over to Mission: Space.  I had originally planned for us to get a fast pass for the ride, and go do something else while we waited.  We assumed the line would be long because this is the most hyped ride in the park.  This was the ride that Krissa picked as the best ride in all of Walt Disney World, and I trusted her.  Although it did seem that Test Track was a much more popular ride, judging solely by the lines.

The line turned out to be pretty short, so we went in instead of getting a pass.  You will notice that there are no pictures of the ride, or many pictures at all, and this is because I did not take many pictures.  So that makes sense.  I wasn’t really planning on writing about Epcot or Florida in general, since I didn’t want this site to be typecast as “Idiot goes to Florida.”  But then I realized that was better than having the site typecast as never updated, so I figured a combined article of the trip was a decent compromise.

While waiting on line, some people walked by us, dressed in costumes, including a Jedi complete with light saber.  The odd thing was, our first reaction was, “Look at those jackasses.”  It wasn’t until later that we remembered that it was Halloween.  Although I guess our initial reaction actually wasn’t that far off.

The sole purpose of the interim between waiting on line and being on the ride seems to be doing everything they can to make you not go on the ride.  Words like “intense,” “high velocity,” and “violent spinning” are thrown around in the warning / information video.  Amy really didn’t want to go on a spinning ride, and I tried explaining that the ride didn’t spin, but it was hard to make my point because the video kept talking about how the ride spun at high speeds.  So, she decided to drop out, and our space crew was left one man short.  It was Adam, myself, and some middle aged woman.  The right stuff, indeed.

The ride itself was really good.  Four people go into a small compartment where they are strapped in, in front of video monitors and lots of useless buttons and switches.  Just by sitting down, you know the ride is going to be good; there are vomit bags in front of each seat.  The effects are done well, you really feel like you are taking off, you feel like you are flying, and you feel like Gary Sinise is talking only to you.

We then went to go on Body Wars, but that was closed, because it is a “seasonal ride.”  I guess it wasn’t flu season in Florida like it is in New York.  We then decided to skip the section on electricity, since it involved a forty five minute movie with Ellen DeGeneres.  I feel violated by paying for a park that includes that.

 

Eventually, we went somewhere that was open and seemed enjoyable, The Living Seas.  This was the place where Joey and Jesse almost got eaten by sharks on Full House.  Besides that, it really wasn’t that interesting.  It was like an aquarium, but not as good.  Even worse, we could see sharks in a far off window, but couldn’t find out how to get there to see them, if there even was a way.  Bah.

We skipped The Land, which involved a ride through a green house.  I think you can understand why.

Desperate for actual rides, we went on an imagination ride hosted by some guy from Monty Python.  He is trying to take you on a tour of a lab about the five senses (I think,) but is unable to because of all the interference from Figment, a flying purple dinosaur.  It seems that Disney really tried to push Figment onto kids, since he is all over the place in Epcot, but no one really seems to care about him.  As for the ride, it is absolutely terrible.

From there it was on to Honey, I Shrunk the Audience.  This was a 3-D movie that was pretty good, although the fact that it is prefaced by a ten minute commercial for Kodak was fairly irritating.  This commercial really made us wonder why we even need to pay to get into Epcot.  Everything in the park is “brought to you by” so and so, with logos plastered all over the place.  And yet here we are, paying fifty dollars for the privilege of walking around and looking at advertisements.  There are plenty of things in every park that can cause all sorts of levels of irritation, but the constant bombardment of logos in Epcot was one of the rare things that bordered on harassment.  With all of these logos and ads all over the park, why do we even have to pay to get in?

 

And as soon as that question was asked, it was answered.  I now understood why I paid so much to get in.  This was because Disney knew that like MGM, they needed something special to compensate for the parks’ flaws.  Chocolate covered frozen bananas.  Ah yes, a year later and I still love and lust for you.

Now, in a much happier mind state, we headed over to Test Track.  This ride was definitely the biggest ride in the park.  It might not be; actually, there is a good chance it isn’t.  But it was also loud.  The wait time for the ride was seventy five minutes, which is also known as an hour and fifteen minutes.  Luckily, we had gotten fast passes for the ride, and only had to wait, uh, about a half hour.  The fast pass line was ridiculously long, but at least waiting on line felt like we were actually doing something constructive in the park.

 

As for the ride, it really wasn’t that good.  You are strapped into a car, and it performs all sorts of road tests, like anti lock brakes, bumpy roads, and crashing into walls.  You don’t actually drive into a wall, although if you had actually waited the full seventy five minutes for the ride, you probably wouldn’t have minded driving into a few walls.  Finally, you do a few laps where they clock you at about fifty or so miles per hour.  At some point in the ride, they take your picture.  This is a great souvenir, because there is no smarter buying decision than paying $20 for a picture of you in a car.

After we had gone on all of Epcot’s many rides, we headed into the international area.  This is one of the parts that Epcot is most well known for.  It gives you a taste of other countries, as long as you don’t question why those other countries are made up exclusively of restaurants and gift shops.

The first stop was Mexico.  I was wondering what else was in Mexico, since my experiences with Mexico have been going to those run down border towns, and Taco Bell.  And, according to Epcot, this is exactly what Mexico is like.  This country did offer a ride, which was a journey into the history of Mexico.  The ride is boring at first; you float around while ancient Mexicans juggle.  Then, out of nowhere, it gets completely awesome.

 

Apparently, they either had leftover props from a long time ago, or maybe they had extra because of the current construction, but the Mexico ride turns into the Mexican area of “it’s a small world.”  Excellent.  Unfortunately, there was no song, but I forgave them for that.  It was enough just to see the shoddy, stereotyped puppets spinning around with their maracas and sombreros.

The next country was Norway.  Probably the most interesting part about the country was that I didn’t realize that each country was going to be so small, and wasn’t really paying attention when we hopped the border.  Needless to say, expecting Mexicans and getting Norwegians is unsettling.

Norway has one of the rides that I most vividly remember from the last time I was here.  I don’t vividly remember the ride, or even remember it at all, but I do remember one part.  You are on a boat, going through the history of the country.  Then, you stop in front of three creatures in front of a cauldron, and are sent flying backwards.  Like you read about in history books.  Other than that, the ride is actually pretty lame.

China, Germany, and Italy… I don’t remember much about these countries.  We did notice that it was nice of them to move Japan, so the Axis of Evil was broken up.

Then, we came to… the US.  Despite the fact that, surprising as it may be, the US is located all around, Epcot felt the need to include an American pavilion.  However, it isn’t the current United States, it is colonial times.  I guess I can understand the idea behind using this time period, but that makes me wonder if the other countries are supposed to be representing current times, or random historical periods.  In which case, it isn’t like visiting other countries at all; it’s more like walking through some sort of faux Carmen Sandiego type nonsense.

Unfortunately, I was unable to get into the colonial spirit, because it was at around this time that I became violently ill.  Shoney’s had reared its ugly head.  Despite the fact that I didn’t actually eat it, I blame the baked bologna.  Simply being in its vicinity was enough to turn my stomach.  That and the violent spinning on Mission: Space, I assume.

 

Luckily, Shoney’s Revenge (which was much less enjoyable than The Mummy’s Revenge) didn’t last too long, and we were back on our journey.  Unfortunately, there was nothing of interest in Japan, Morocco, or France.  We couldn’t even figure out how to get to the Eiffel Tower; it was blocked off.  We might have been able to ask one of the park attendants, but he scurried off in his Segway.

Finally, we went through England and Canada, and if you think I made a separate paragraph because we did something there, you are wrong.  There was nothing there either.  I did, however, almost buy a hockey jersey, but one of my fleeting moments of fiscal responsibility kicked in.

Then, after a day that seemed about forty five minutes long, we left unfulfilled.  Epcot had let us down.  The day, however, was not yet over.

Since our day at Epcot was over so early, that meant we had plenty of time at night.  More importantly, it gave us time to go back to the hotel to pump ourselves up, because we were about to meet our makers.  Well, not exactly meet our makers, more like meet a giant skull.  Were we about to correct our sins of the past, and finally visit Castle Greyskull?

Yes. 

Even though they refer to it as Skull Kingdom, we all know what it really is.  Despite the fact that they had their own fairly elaborately designed building, and had been operating for many years, we weren’t expecting anything very good.    Again, Amy opted out of this one, which probably was for the best.  The haunted house was surprisingly very well done, and dare I say it, better than any of the haunted houses at Islands of Adventure.

Making the haunted house even better was our group.  It was Adam, me, and a group of three black (and that’s not a racial remark; they actually were black) people who had apparently been sitting in their car for the past week and a half getting high.  They spent the duration of the haunted house running around screaming, in true horror movie stereotype fashion.  Luckily, we were able to get a picture of them outside, which makes for the most awesome / awkward photo I have ever been part of, and possibly the most awesome picture ever taken.

 

At this point, the disappointment of Epcot was forgotten.  It was all about the here and now.  The Castle Greyskull and… now.  This would have been enough to end the night on a good note, but we had another destination.

 

WonderWorks was another spot that we pondered going to a few years ago, but never went.  But, since we had time, we decided to check it out.  From the outside, the building looks like it could be a Ripley’s museum, since the building is an upside down house.  We didn’t know exactly what it was; maybe it was a museum like Ripley’s, although there was an actual Ripley’s museum right down the block, so that couldn’t be it.  We figured it was a big arcade / laser tag / amusement center type place.  Nevertheless, we had extra time, so in we went.

 

It turned out that it was a huge science fair.  Now, that probably doesn’t sound very interesting, but it was.  It was hundreds of little exhibits, games, and random stuff.  One of the coolest exhibits was the bed of nails.  It actually was a legitimate bed of nails, not some sort of gimmick.

The way it works is that in order for a nail to puncture your skin, there needs to be a certain amount of force behind it.  Since there are so many nails so close together, your body is too evenly distributed, and the nails can’t get through.

 

Other exhibits included a hurricane simulator, which was really just a giant fan, but it was very cool.  Ha ha.  A pun.  Many of the exhibits totally screwed with your head, causing disbelief in what just happened.  In one instance, there was a basketball hoop placed literally about a foot and a half away.  When you put on corrective lenses, it basically became impossible to get the ball through the hoop.  Then, eventually, you are able to.  However, as soon as the glasses come off, you can’t get the ball in normally.

 

And, if you are wondering what I will look like in twenty years, apparently this is it.  Hot.

One thing definitely worth noting is the terrible laser tag game they had there.  We wound up playing twice, because during the first game, Amy and Adam had to keep leaving to get different vests, because theirs kept breaking.  During the second game, I thought we were playing in a different room.  The room’s pillars were rearranged, some thrown on the floor.  I realized, during the game, that we were in the same room.  The reason for the change was that employees were inexplicably knocking the pillars to the ground.  One missed me by about three feet.  Although I must say, this did add some sort of survival / war games element, with all of the shrapnel and collapsing surroundings.

WonderWorks gets the big thumbs up.

And that’s it.  Overall, this trip was very successful.  The weather help up perfectly; it was actually a little too hot and sunny, but I’m not going to complain about that.  Well I am, and I was, but I mean I shouldn’t.  Sun is much better than the alternative.  (Rain.)  Epcot was disappointing, but it still needed to be visited.  The Universal parks were as good as always, even better in the case of Universal Studios.

In fact, if you are planning a trip to Florida, I have a recommended itinerary.  Buy a three day park hopper pass to Universal.  Spend the first two days visiting the two parks.  Then spend the third day going on The Mummy.

Important Reference Material: Carousel of Progress Script

Posted by robbposch on November 2, 2004
Posted in: Disney. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

NARRATOR: Welcome, to Walt Disney’s Carousel of Progress. You’re in for a real treat. The Carousel of Progress was Walt’s own idea from beginning to end. He loved it. He introduced the show at the World’s Fair in New York City in 1964 and it was an immediate smash hit. Millions of people came to see it and since then, the Carousel of Progress has had more performances than any other stage show in the history of American theater. You know, Walt loved the idea of progress and he loved the American family. He himself was probably as American as anyone could possibly be. He thought it would be fun to watch the American family go through the twentieth century experiencing all new wonders as they came. And he put them together in a show called Carousel of Progress, which we are about to see. Although our Carousel family has experienced a few changes over the years, our show still revolves around the same theme: and that’s progress. May the century begin.

Our theater starts to move for the first time. Lively banjo music comes on to the tune of the ride’s theme song.

CHORUS:

There’s a great big beautiful tomorrow,

Shining at the end of every day.

There’s a great big beautiful tomorrow,

And tomorrow is just a dream away.

Man has a dream and that’s the start.

He follows his dream in mind and heart.

Our theater rolls around to the first stage. It’s the kitchen of a circa 1900 home. Father (our narrator) is sitting in a rocker, wearing a smoking jacket and holding a pipe and newspaper. Father joins in on the singing as the chorus fades out.

FATHER:

And when it becomes a reality,

It’s a dream come true for you and me.

So there’s a great big beautiful tomorrow,

Shining at the end of every day,

There’s a great big beautiful tomorrow,

Just a dream away.

The song ends, but quiet violin music plays in the background. Through the windows we see that it’s a bright sunny day outside. Birds are chirping in the spring air. Father notices the sound of the birds and begins to address the crowd.

FATHER: Well, looks like the robins are getting ready to celebrate Valentines day today. What year is it? Oh, right around the turn of the century. And things couldn’t be any better than they are today. Yes sir, buildings are towering now as high as twenty stories. And moving pictures flicker up on a big screen. We have almost 8,000 automobiles in this country and we can travel by train from New York to California in less than seven days! And I even hear tell of two brothers from North Carolina who are working on some kind of flying contraption. (He chuckles to himself.) It’ll never work. Closer to home, we’ve now got gas lamps, telephone and the latest design in cast iron stoves. And that reservoir keeps 5 gallons of water hot all day on just 3 buckets of coal. Oh boy, it sure beats chopping wood. And isn’t our new icebox a beauty? Look at that! Holds 50 pounds of ice.

The icebox opens up to show the ice, bread and milk.

FATHER: Milk doesn’t sour as quick as it used to and our dog Rover here keeps the water in the drip pan from overflowing. It wasn’t to long ago that we had to carry water from a well. Thanks to progress, we have a pump right here in the kitchen.

The pump handle magically moves and water starts to flow.

FATHER: Of course, we keep a bucket of water handy to prime it with. Yes sir, we’ve got everything to make life easier.

Father looks over to his right, (our left,) where the first of the rotating dioramas mentioned above appears. A woman dressed in an apron, is ironing a shirt, while her young daughter works beside her. In the background is a large pantry with bags of food.

FATHER: Say mother?

MOTHER: Hmm?

FATHER: I was reading about a fellow named Tom Edison who’s working on an idea for a snap-on electric light.

SARAH (MOTHER): Electric lights? No more kerosine! No more gas!

FATHER: (He chuckles.) Sarah sure gets to the core of the apple.

SARAH: But we do have this new washday marvel. It takes only 5 hours to do the wash. Imagine! It used to take two days.

FATHER: That’s right folks, now Mother has time for other things, like…

SARAH: Like canning and cleaning the oven?

FATHER: Yes dear.

SARAH: Well ovens just don’t clean themselves you know dear.

FATHER: I know dear. (He chuckles.) And they probably never will!

SARAH: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get the laundry off the line before it starts raining cats and dogs.

Rover starts barking at the comment. The diorama disappears.

FATHER: Ah don’t worry Rover. She didn’t mean real dogs. Besides, it’s not going to rain today. My lumbago isn’t acting up.

Lightning flashes outside the windows and we hear thunder. Rain starts poring shortly thereafter.

SARAH: (Off-stage.) I hate to say I told you so.

FATHER: Oh, look at it come down! All you have to do is put your wash on the line right? Oh well, the cistern was low anyway.

The diorama on our right lights up to display a young boy using a stereoscope beside an oil lamp.

SON: Wowee! Look at that!

FATHER: Now James, I though I told you to ask my permission before using my new stereoscope. That’s not a toy you know!

JIMMY (SON): Ooh la la! So that’s the Norwegian doing the hoochie-koochie, eh dad?

FATHER: (Momentarily forgetting himself.) Isn’t she a knockout? She’s the star of the new World’s Fair in Saint Louis and… ahem… you put that away before your mother finds it.

JIMMY: Aw dad…

FATHER: You heard me!

The Diorama darkens.

FATHER: Well, we have one of those new talking machines… now that is something. It plays music right here in our home.

The left diorama opens again, displaying Grandma sitting in a rocker, listening to music on a phonograph machine. A parrot is sitting on a perch, beside her. The record plays the theme song, “There’s A Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow.”

PARROT: Aaah. She keeps that thing going all day long. Aaah! Progress!

The left diorama closes, at which point the opposite one reopens. Patricia (the narrator’s daughter,) is sitting at a vanity fixing her hair. She’s only wearing her under garments, (but in 1900, the under garments were more modest that today’s outer garments, so the scene isn’t offensive.) Flowery, feminine music comes on for the daughter.

PATRICIA: Oh papa.

FATHER: Yes Patricia?

PATRICIA: (Astounded.) Papa! All these people! I’m… I’m indecent!

FATHER: (He chuckles.) Don’t worry Patricia. They’re friends. (He addresses us.) That’s my teenage daughter. She’s getting ready to go to a Valentines dance across town, on one of those new horseless trolleys.

PATRICIA: I think it’s very romantic, you’re taking mother out for Valentines dinner tonight.

FATHER: Well, you know what kind of sport I am.

PATRICIA: I only hope that I have an evening as romantic as yours and mothers.

A sudden thought crosses father’s mind and he turns sharply towards his daughter.

FATHER: Now you be home by nine o’clock daughter. You hear me?

The flowery music dies for obvious reasons.

PATRICIA: (Dejectedly.) Yes papa.

The diorama fades.

FATHER: Well, with all this talking, I’ve worked up quite a thirst. I think I’ll take one of those new fangled trolleys down to the drug store soda fountain and meet the boys for a cold sarsaparilla. Oh… ha ha, I’m sorry, I forgot… we’re drinking root beer now! Same kind of thing, different name. Well, that’s progress for you. Speaking of progress…

FATHER AND CHORUS SING:

There’s a great big beautiful tomorrow,

Shining at the end of every day.

There’s a great big beautiful tomorrow,

And tomorrow is just a dream away.

Man has a dream and that’s the start.

He follows his dream in mind and heart

And when it becomes a reality,

It’s a dream come true for you and me.

So there’s a great big beautiful tomorrow,

Shining at the end of every day.

There’s a great big beautiful tomorrow,

Just a dream away.

By this time, we have rotated to the next stage. This time, we see a slightly more modern kitchen than before. The same basic layout, however. Now, Father is sitting on a chair in the middle of the kitchen, cooling himself with a Niagara Falls fan. Electricity has arrived in the home, with wires hanging from the appliances. Rover lays on the floor in front of father.

FATHER: Whew, boy! Hottest Forth of July we’ve had in years. We’ve come a long way though since the turn of the century over twenty some-odd years ago. You know that pilot fellah… Charles Lindberg? He’s about to fly a single winged airplane all the way across the Atlantic. (He chuckles.) He’s never gonna make it. And sports stadiums are springing up all over. And boy… nobody hits that old horse hide like that new fellah, Babe Ruth. Jazz music is the cat’s meow, and there’s been adds in the paper for months for a movie starring Al Jollson… (he whispers this,) and he’s going to talk! And sing! Boy, I’ve got to see that.

From outside of the window, a car horn blows. Father seems to smile at the sound.

FATHER: Ha ha ha. There goes Schwarts in his hump mobile. He sure loves that horn. You know, in my new Essex, I’ve got an electric starter! Now I don’t have to crank. We can travel from New York to Los Angeles by train in only three days. Now we’ve got a house full of new electrical servants. Mr. Edison sure added life to our home.

Suddenly, silly, hyper music comes on and all of the ‘electrical servants’ start going crazy. The vacuum moves crazily, the oven and refrigerator doors open and close quickly, and lights flicker on and off.

FATHER: (To machines.) Whoa there! You’ll blow a fuse!

As if on que, the lights go out, and all of the machines die. The stage is dark. Only the city lights outside the windows are bright.

FATHER: Drat! That’s the third one this week. I buy fuses by the case.

Suddenly the lights outside the windows go dark as well.

FATHER: Uh oh. And I’ve blown the whole neighborhood again! (He sounds as if he finds a strange amusement in his deed.)

WOMAN OUTSIDE OF WINDOW: Henry! He did it again! Go over and give that neighbor of ours what for!

Rover growls, preparing to come to the aid of his master.

FATHER: Easy Rover. (Directed to off stage.) Jimmy! Hurry up with that fuse!

We hear the crunching of gravel as Jimmy walks around in the back yard trying to find the fuse box.

JIMMY: (Heard off stage.) Shucks. Every time he has company, he blows a fuse. And guess who always has to change it.

FATHER: I heard that young man! I heard that!

We hear a clunk, and suddenly the lights are back on. We see now that the right diorama has opened up to reveal Mother sitting on the front porch, sewing a costume of some sort.

MOTHER: Oh, well that’s more like it. John, yours is the last costume I’ve got to finish before the parade starts.

We learn from this statement that Father’s name is John. I’ll keep calling him Father though.

FATHER: Sarah’s lady’s club is responsible for our town’s Forth of July celebration tonight. She’s got us all roped up into preforming in their program.

SARAH: And I’ve decided that we’re going as George and Martha Washington dear.

FATHER: Oh… the father of our country. (Whimsical.) That’s a role that really fits me! You know, I–

SARAH: (Interrupting Father.) I’m so glad that we installed an electric light fixture here on the porch, because it’s just to darn hot to be sewing inside.

FATHER: Yes Sarah. You know, next year I’d like to go as Benedict Arnold! Ha ha. I–

SARAH: Wait until you see what I’ve got planned for the fireworks show tonight.

Rover barks, we assume at the mention of fireworks, which we all know, dogs hate.

FATHER: Rover! Don’t interrupt, while Sarah’s interrupting.

SARAH: And guess who volunteered to choose the music for the program.

Sarah’s diorama goes dark, and the opposite one lights up. Jimmy is standing next to an old fashioned radio, while Grandpa sits in a chair, fiddling with a firework.

JIMMY: I did pop! Listen to this!

Jimmy flips on the radio and a patriotic tune comes on.

FATHER: Oh… that’s a nice tune Jimmy. (To us.) You know, with our new Gladstone radio set, we can get news and **** **** **** **** (Father’s dialog got garbled here, due to the loud music.)

Jimmy switches stations and a news broadcast comes on.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: People are starting to arrive downtown for a spectacular Forth of July parade and fireworks event tonight. Mayor Beaverfield said—

Radio dies down and Father directs his attention to the right diorama, even though it’s not lit up yet.

FATHER: Oh Patricia.

PATRICIA: Yes Father?

FATHER: Better get a move on. The radio says people are arriving downtown.

PATRICIA: (Whining.) Do I really have to go?

The Diorama lights up to reveal Patricia dressed up as the Statue of Liberty, loading a torch.

PATRICIA: If my new boyfriend Theodore sees me in this, it’ll scare him away!

FATHER: (He chuckles.) Well dear, if that happens, you’ll always have that torch you can carry for him. Ha ha ha.

Rover growls at his master’s joke about his daughter.

PATRICIA: (Exasperated.) Oh father!

The diorama darkens.

FATHER: Oh calm down Rover, I was only kidding. (To us.) By the way, we have indoor plumbing now! Oh boy, that’s really great on cold nights. Especially for out perennial house guest, old Uncle Orville.

The left hand diorama lights up to display a bathroom, complete with Orville lying in the tub. He’s reading the paper, and wiggling his toes over the edge of the tub. Next to him is a block of ice, and a fan, which blows the cold ice air onto Orville. Hanging from the wall is an “Uncle Sam” costume. Obviously Sarah even roped Orville into participating in the Forth of July show.

FATHER: Uncle Orville’s taken over the coolest spot in the house. And he’s rigged up a real clever contraction. He calls it “air cooling.” Humph. To bad he’s not reading the help wanted adds.

The diorama darkens.

UNCLE ORVILLE: (From off stage.) No privacy at all around this place!

FATHER: Sorry Orville. (To us.) You know, considering all the–

SARAH: (Off stage.) John. Costume’s ready.

FATHER: Oh! Coming Martha! (Back to us.) Well, as I was saying, considering all the conveniences we now have, I’d say that we’re really on easy street these days. It just can’t get any better! Just goes to show that–

Father and Chorus:

There’s a great big beautiful tomorrow,

Shining at the end of every day.

There’s a great big beautiful tomorrow,

And tomorrow is just a dream away.

Man has a dream and that’s the start.

He follows his dream in mind and heart

And when it becomes a reality,

It’s a dream come true for you and me.

So there’s a great big beautiful tomorrow,

Shining at the end of every day.

There’s a great big beautiful tomorrow,

Just a dream away.

Cereal Review: General Mills’ Monster Cereals

Posted by robbposch on October 22, 2004
Posted in: Cereal Reviews, Food, Holidays. Tagged: , , , , , , . 1 Comment

I love to whine about food products that have unfairly disappeared.  Some of these go away for obvious reasons.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had some amazing licensed foods, including their cereal and pudding pies.  Obviously, as their popularity faded, their licensed products went with them. 

 

Some items are seasonal, but don’t manage to make it back the next year.  This happened with the winter themed Whipper Snapple, which vanished.  This eventually happened with the rest of the line, which is unfortunate, but somewhat expected.  I couldn’t really be upset with its disappearance, if only for the fact that I bought about two per year, so I was partially to blame for its lack of success.

 

Other items go away simply because they didn’t sell well.  Sometimes they get completely axed, while other times they get limited distribution.  There are very few feelings as terrible as the day you realize that a product is gone.  At first, you are inconvenienced, and have to get it at a different supermarket.  Then you buy it less, simply because you hardly ever see it.  The one day, when you are in the mood for Starburst Ice Pops or Fruit Wrinkles, you are unable to find them anywhere. 

 

In recent times, the internet has made finding a product easier than ever.  Put the item into Google, and see what you get.  Either you can buy it or you can’t.  This makes knowing the status of a product quite simple.  This, however, wasn’t always the case.

 

Back in the late 80’s and early 90’s, this wasn’t possible.  I can’t begin to count the number of times I thought to myself, “Hey, I haven’t seen (INSERT KITSCHY/RETRO PRODUCT REFERENCE HERE) in a while, do they even still make it?”  The answer would usually be, “Yeah, I haven’t seen that lately either, I wonder what happened to it.”  This wasn’t always the response I would get; sometimes I wouldn’t get any type of response.  This depended mostly on whether or not there was someone else in the room when I asked the question.

 

This is one time I am confident that I am not babbling on about something that has only happened to me.  That’s not to say that I’m not babbling on, only this time it is about something that everyone can relate to.

 

One of the most common subjects of the “I remember that, is it still around?” topic are the General Mills monster cereals.  And, if I may be so bold, I don’t understand their wild popularity.  They’re good cereals, no doubt about that, but certainly nothing worthy of any type of cult following. 

 

The ridiculous level of popularity that these cereals have achieved might seem strange, since their distribution is so scattered.  Actually, the fact that they can be so hard to find is precisely why they are so sought after.  There’s really only a few ways this scenario can play out.  First, someone might think they like the cereals, never see them around, and therefore will always have that opinion.  Second, a person might think they like them, and when they get the opportunity to try them again, they still hold that opinion.  Finally, someone might think they like them, get the chance to try them, and realize that they actually don’t like the cereals.

 

If you are wondering where the scenario of someone not actually thinking they like the cereals is, don’t bother looking.  Everyone thinks they like these cereals. 

 

I wasn’t too sure where I stood going into the Halloween season.  The only one of the cereals that I eat on a regular basis is Count Chocula.  I love that cereal, but don’t recall liking the other two as a kid, the other two being Boo Berry and Franken Berry. 

Since I hadn’t had them in so long, I tried all of them, going into each with an open mind and no grudges.  And yes, all of these flavors became readily available in my area, for Halloween time.  I guess the stores were expecting these to fly off the shelves, because every supermarket has hundreds of the boxes on display.

 

Please note that I am conspicuously not including the other two phantom cereals from this line, Fruit Brute and Yummy Mummy.  People like to claim that they have eaten these cereals, but they are  lying.  If anyone claims to have done so, do not believe them.  I haven’t, but at least I am being honest.  They both had a fruit theme, although the Mummy cereal had vanilla in it as well. 

 

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, it is time for some mind blowing reviewing.

 

 

The first is the classic standby, Count Chocula.  Its dry form seems good enough; it consists mostly of chocolate puffs, glistening with sugary coating.  And, of course, there are the marshmallows.  The only shapes I can clearly make out are bats, which makes sense.  For some reason, many of the marshmallows are green.  To find out why, I needed to consult the back of the box.

 

 

Apparently, something went wrong in the laboratory, and now “green goo is everywhere – even in your cereal!”  Ugh.  In order to find out who did it, you need to play a board game, which I can’t do right now.  Not because I am alone, but because I can’t find any scissors; my desk is too messy.  I’m going to assume Franken Berry did it, he looks like a spaz.

 

So far, Count Chocula has proven to be quite hardcore.  It stays crunchy after being submerged in milk for quite some time.  So far, so awesome.  There is one question that still needs to be answered.  Is the milk delicious???

 

The answer to that question is… hold on.

 

YES.

 

The final milk product has a definite chocolate taste to it, but it isn’t the typical Quik type of chocolate milk.  It’s more like Ovaltine, which I can only assume is from all of the vitamins washing off the cereal and into the milk.  The milk also doesn’t get very brown, so it is a covert chocolate taste.

 

I don’t even remember what type of reviews I used to give in the other cereal articles.  Either letter grades or number grades… I’m going with letter.

 

Count Chocula gets an ass kicking   A.

 

Next up is Franken Berry.  Out of all of the cereals, I always regarded this as the least cool.  Count Chocula was everywhere; it had the popularity and great taste.  I didn’t know if Boo Berry was good, but at least it was mysterious.  And while I didn’t see Franken Berry very often, I would see it once in a while at a random store, so it had nothing going for it.  No great taste, no mystery, and that was also back when it was completely unacceptable for a guy to be into something pink.  It still is kind of unacceptable, but at least now I’m old enough to not really care.

 

In every group of people you know, there will always be one person that claims Boo Berry or Franken Berry is their favorite.  Despite the fact that they haven’t eaten it in about five or ten years, they still lie and claim this to be the truth.  Franken Berry is the name to drop in the cereal world.  If you say Boo Berry is your favorite cereal, or that you just bought a box of Boo Berry, it is met with hostility.  “Yeah, whatever, shut up; nobody has seen a box of Boo Berry in a decade.”  However, if you say that Franken Berry is your favorite, somehow you turn into a heroic figure.  Anyone who is able to get their hands on Franken Berry, let alone eat it enough to declare it their favorite, must have something going for them.  Bah. 

 

My girlfriend falls into the aforementioned category of people who lie and say Franken Berry is their favorite cereal.  She had bought a box of it at Target recently, and considered herself fortunate to get that one box, since there were no others to be found.  I don’t know about that; if I found a lone box of cereal that I hadn’t seen in years, and there were no others to be found anywhere else in the store, I’d be a little suspicious.  The box had probably been found in the stock room, after it had fallen behind a shelf and stayed there for the past seven years.

 

Since she was willing to eat expired food in order to get her fix, I figured maybe she was serious about Franken Berry.  So when I saw that the monster cereals had become readily available for the Halloween season, I bought a bunch.  I gave her four or five boxes of Franken Berry, and one of Boo Berry.  What I didn’t know at the time was that my brother had already bought her five boxes of Franken Berry for her birthday.  As a result, she wound up with ten boxes worth of monster cereal love. 

 

I must give credit to my brother; it would have never occurred to me to give cereal as a present.  I mean, cereal is awesome, so it seems natural to pass that on to someone else on their special day.  I don’t want to give anything away, but I think that all my friends can expect some rectangular shaped boxes on their birthdays.

 

Now it is time to decide:  is Franken Berry good enough to eat ten boxes worth? 

 

The initial impression of the cereal is rather startling.  I knew that it was pink, but I didn’t realize it was this pink.  If the color of the cereal was any indication of the flavor, I was in for some major league berry blasting action.  I haven’t decided whether to add or subtract points for the color.  On one hand, it looks awesome; I want a shirt in this color.  On the other hand, I don’t like having to squint just to eat a bowl of cereal.  Okay, I can’t deny it anymore: it looks awesome.

 

And as it turns out, the taste is pretty strong.  It doesn’t really taste like strawberry, although when the cereal looks like bite sized glow sticks, I don’t think it is expected to taste like real fruit.  The taste isn’t bad at all, although a more subdued berry flavor might have improved the overall experience. 

 

The cereal, however, is not the best part… not even close.  The real treat is what you get when the cereal is finished: the milk.  Franken Berry turns the cereal into strawberry milk, which is infinitely superior to chocolate milk.  Well, not infinitely superior, but better. 

 

So, despite my initial misgivings, Franken Berry has proven to be a worthy addition to a cereal rotation, whenever it can be found. 

Overall, it gets a solid B.

 

Today’s final course is the ever elusive Boo Berry.  This is, without a doubt, one of the top “Do they still make that” items that are still, uh, made.  This was a question that I used to ask, as a naïve youngster.  This was before sacrificing a nice chunk of a normal social life, and perusing web sites that discuss cereal and beverages.  As a result, I was aware of Boo Berry’s antics.

 

These antics, in my experience, are laying low and making the occasional cameo appearance.  Then, when you see a box, you get all excited, and buy a few.  Then you get home and realize you never liked it in the first place.

 

I assumed that this would be the case again, but I still went into the test with an open mind.  After all, Franken Berry had a good showing, so the ghost might as well. 

 

 

The initial impression is a very big let down.  After the day glo pink color of Franken Berry, I was expecting a similarly Boo’s blue to be just as shocking.  Alas, it is not.  It is a very drab shade of blue, or grayish-purple.  So the aesthetics are missing, but the taste might make up for it.

 

No.

 

Quite frankly, the taste sucks.  It isn’t overtly disgusting, but it isn’t something I would look forward to repeating.  It tastes like if you took all the Kix out of Berry Berry Kix and just ate that, except not as good.

 

The one thing Boo Berry does have going for it is the ghost.  He is definitely the coolest of the three.  Count Chocula is a vampire with one tooth, and Franken Berry is just way too happy.  Boo is laid back, looking debonair in his bow tie and hat.

 

The cereal, however, doesn’t live up to the mascot… C-

 

 

Not only is General Mills coming at you with the triple dosage of monster cereals, it is offering a free video game available for play at www.countchocula.com.  The game looks like it would fit in well on the NES, but it’s still good to kill some time.  You run around collecting magic wands, so the monsters can stop the green goo.  These things happen.  You also need to eat marshmallows in order to replenish your health, which sounds like an average day for a typical American.

 

 

Finally, when all three wands have been collected, the monsters are able to stop the goo.  To say thanks, you are treated to a door knob hanger that you can print out.  Or, if you don’t feel like beating the game, you can just get it here.  Lazy ass.

 

If you really want to get a good time in the game, you’re going to need some help.  Luckily, each box of cereal contains clues on the side.  These clues allow you to guess the password for each monster, which will give you extra power ups during their level.  As you can see from the clues, it isn’t easy.  If you are somehow able to crack the code, you will be rewarded.  If you are unable to guess the password, be careful with the spoon when eating; you’re likely to stab yourself.

 

Get ready for the hardcore breakneck speed review: Count Chocula – You already know it’s good.  Franken Berry – Better than expected, but not as good as the cult following might suggest.   Boo Berry – Don’t waste your time eating it; get a tattoo of Boo instead.

The Halloween Olympics

Posted by robbposch on October 16, 2004
Posted in: Candy, Food, Food Review, Holidays. Tagged: , , , . 2 Comments

Unlike the previous article, here we are going to focus almost exclusively on some of the more popular aspects of Halloween.  This was actually intended to be longer but, quite frankly, this wasn’t as interesting as I had thought it would be.  OH WELL.Break out your steroids and sponsors, this is the Halloween Olympics.

 

 

The first competition is among one of the more familiar aspects of Halloween time, and fall in general:

 

Pumpkins

 

In first place, comes the glorious carved pumpkin, the Jack O’Lantern.  This is arguably the icon of Halloween; there is basically nothing more synonymous with the holiday.  It can take many forms, from a crappy triangle face to an elaborately carved scene.  But usually it’s the crappy triangle face.  This takes top prize for how it looks during the day, but even more so for how it looks during the night.  Few things look more bad ass than an illuminated Jack O’Lantern, except for possibly an illuminated Jack O’Lantern carved out of a watermelon.  But that’s ridiculous.

 

Coming in a distant second is the classic pumpkin.  Nothing added, nothing taken away, just a lumpy, orange, sphere-ish embodiment of the fall season.  Please don’t get the terms “fall” and “autumn” mixed up.  I refuse to say autumn; it’s stupid.  The plain pumpkin is the perfect second place finisher.  It is very good on its own, not quite as good as the first place finisher, and yet nowhere near as bad as the last place finisher…

 

… the painted pumpkin.  Oh man, are these lame.  It’s the worst of both worlds, the simplicity of the plain pumpkin is gone, and the awesomeness of the Jack O’Lantern disappears as well.  They usually have “wacky” faces drawn on them, with their tongues sticking out and such.  I guess they have such bad personalities and awkward social graces that they feel the need to try to be funny, so people don’t notice what deviants they actually are.  Uh.  Moving right along…

 

I wanted to include one category for a candy that is commonly given out to Trick or Treaters, so here it is:

Twix Bars

 

Peanut Butter is on top, as it should be.  Twix brought this flavor back a couple of years ago, and I’m not sure what happened to it.  I don’t know why they would cancel it again; it seemed to sell well.  I did my part to keep it alive; I bought one.

 

Cookies & Cream – I hated this flavor when it first came out.  I was into the other flavor that was introduced at this time, the one with the fudge.  Once I realized that the fudge flavor was just a crappy version of Bar None, I focused my attention on Cookies & Cream.  It was like a long, chocolate covered Oreo, except it wasn’t exactly the same.  They made chocolate covered Oreos, and they didn’t taste like Cookies & Cream Twix.  Maybe the Twix were like long, chocolate covered Oreos, but better.  I don’t know.  I can’t remember them that well.

 

I know I have already gone on record saying I hate caramel.  I don’t take it back; I do hate it.  HOWEVER, I am always willing to make exceptions, like in this case.  (Caramel.)  It works well in the formula.  It complements the bar well, and isn’t so prevalent that it is all you notice.  Well done Twix.

 

  

Besides pumpkins, the other icon of the fall season, according to Google images, is the changing of leaves.  Then it seems to be turkeys, pilgrims, and a few other things.  But, eventually, we get to the other real important icon of the season:

Candy Corn

 

Candy corn has always been hit or miss for many people.  Pure sugar that has been melted and formed into conical shapes, then dyed fall colors, I don’t see anything wrong with that.  My excitement over the prospect of eating candy corn, however, varies depending on which kind it is.  To the ill informed masses, which are only aware of the generic orange and white variation of candy corn, this may come as a rude awakening.  And for that, I apologize.  There is not just one type of candy corn, not just two, and maybe not just three, but I’m not going to look into that.

 

For these purposes, comparisons will be made amongst the most popular types of candy corn: the classic, chocolate, and pumpkin shaped.  To me, there is no contest; but from talking to friends, acquaintances, benefactors, and such, I have discovered that candy corn is a controversial topic.  I still stand firm in my beliefs.

 

The top prize goes to chocolate.  Despite seeming like it is a completely unnecessary addition to the plain candy corn, the little chocolate end piece gives a welcome change of flavor.  This is the problem with the plain candy corn, which I will discuss further…

 

… right here.  Plain, which comes in second place, comes very close to the top spot.  The only problem is that it is just too, well, plain.  They are good to have a handful of, but halfway through it, you start to get sick of them.

 

Finally, we have the pumpkin shaped ones.  These are just stupid.  I hate to be the one to break it to you, but if you enjoy these, then you are dumb.  I’m sorry; that was rude; let me rephrase that.  If you enjoy these, then your taste in candy is dumb.  Now, I eat as much sugar as the next guy.  Unless the next guy is diabetic, in which case I eat way more sugar than he does.  Point being, I have no problem with mass quantities of sugar.  However, I must take umbrage at the fact that I am expected to eat an almost fluorescent orange colored lump of pure sugar.  (At this point, I am starting to wish I looked up a synonym or word that could be used in place of “sugar.”)  Anyone who readily admits that these are their favorite should not be trusted.  Taking in sugar in concentrated amounts like this is an obvious replacement for another vice, such as cigarettes, sex, or cocaine.

 That’s all.  Sorry.

Top Ten Best and Worst Halloween Candies

Posted by robbposch on September 29, 2004
Posted in: Candy, Food, Food Review, Holidays. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a comment

If you are confused as to why a holiday themed article is actually early, well, don’t be.  This is actually last year’s Halloween article.  Well, no, but it wouldn’t be too surprising.  Either a month after the fact or a month before, the timing isn’t quite there yet.  But you can’t blame me for celebrating it early.  I work in a mall; it’s been Halloween time since June.

My main goal here is to keep your house from getting covered in eggs, shaving cream, Silly String, or whatever else high school dickheads are trying to pass off as a legitimate costume.  You won’t have to risk this if you can avoid certain Halloween pitfalls, by paying attention to one or both of the following lists.

The lists are based on opposite ends of the candy giving spectrum.  One focuses on the best candy you can give out on Halloween, and the other focuses on the worst.  The premise is that, ideally, you will follow the good list, and become a hero in your neighborhood.

I know this won’t happen with everyone, for a few reasons.  The main reason is that most people are lazy and lack creativity.  Because of this, almost everyone goes to the supermarket, buys the first thing they see from the big display, and that’s the end of it.   This is why kids wind up with mostly the same four or five types of candy.  The worst offender when it comes to being offered by almost every house is Snickers, the most overrated candy ever.

Snickers isn’t the only one to blame, others include Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Skittles, and even the noble 3 Musketeers bar.  Don’t get me wrong, for the most part, these are all good types of candy.  I can even see there being some reason for the popularity of Snickers, but the inexplicably large amounts of praise it gets baffles me.  Point being, a big part of the fun of Trick or Treating is the variety of candy it results in.  Even a kid has the money to buy a big bag of fun size candy bars, so coming home at the end of Halloween night with mostly the same candy sucks.  I would rather come home with fifty different types of candy that I somewhat like than five types of candy that I really like.  Variety.

Now you see that you should avoid buying these types of candy.  These are the New York Yankees of candy, where there isn’t anything technically wrong with them, they’re just everywhere and you are completely sick of hearing about them.

In order to help your purchasing decisions, I have compiled a list of the best possible types of candy you can give away to kids.  These candies are the perfect combination of being awesome by themselves, but combine that with the fact that they are less common means they are awesome in bold faced type.

 

10)  Fruit flavored Tootsie Rolls

These are the bastard sons of the more popular chocolate Tootsie Roll.  I think what I like best about them is how revolting they initially seem.  When you see the sort-of-recognizable shape of a Tootsie Roll, you know what they feel and taste like.  That taste is, unless you’ve been eating some bootleg candy, chocolate.  And the texture is, unless you buy your candy at National Wholesale Liquidators, chewy.  Given this, the idea of a fruit flavored Tootsie Roll is disturbing.  It actually doesn’t sound that bad the way I described it, so take whatever disturbed notion reading that gave you and multiply it by six.

These are the candies that always rescue me in Target when I am looking for candy to sneak into the movie theatre.  I see all of the typical candy, then I start browsing through the 99 cent bags of candy, where I spot them.  Unfortunately, it is a tough decision as to whether or not I should actually buy them, because they include the vanilla flavor.  The chocolate and fruit Tootsie Rolls are great, but the vanilla is awful.  And there are always a lot of vanillas mixed into the bags, so I have to make the brave decision to actually purchase the bag.  Apparently, they make variety bags that have only the fruit flavors, but I have yet to witness this.  If you do buy these to give out on Halloween, be nice and just throw the vanilla ones out.  Unless you like them, in which case eat them instead of giving or throwing them away.  But I wouldn’t recommend it.

9) Rolos

 

I still have no idea where the name comes from.  Granted, they do come in a roll, but then it would be Rollos.  Whatever, it’s probably some European thing.  What I do know is that Rolos are terribly underappreciated, except by myself.  I appreciate them at exactly the right level.

8) Sugar Babies

 

They are basically condensed pellets of pure sugar.  Why would anyone assume kids aren’t going to want to eat these?  They say they’re caramels, but that’s a lie.  It’s just brown sugar.  Which is basically what caramel is, but it doesn’t matter.  Sugar Babies are one of the very few candies that I really can only eat a little at a time of.  Sure, I can only eat about a handful before I start to get excruciating headaches from the sugar rush, but that handful is delicious.

7) Moon Pies / Little Debbie Cakes

 

I understand that these technically aren’t candies, but whoever you give them to won’t be complaining.  To give you an example, I can point out the exact house in the town I grew up in that gave away Moon Pies, despite the fact that I haven’t lived there in over a decade.  Hell, I don’t even like Moon Pies that much.  However, the very concept of that house giving out something so big means I will always remember that house.

And Little Debbie Cakes, come on, I just can’t get enough of that white trash goodness.  They come in all sorts of different varieties, although they mostly boil down to cream sandwiches and frosted yellow cake pastries.  Sure, they’re not high cuisine, but then again, neither is Twix.  And Little Debbies are about ten times as big as a Twix.  Advantage: Debbie.

6) Dots

 

Dots are one of those candies where every time you see them in the store you think, “They still make those?  Huh.”  Then you proceed to not buy them.  But you should.  The chewy texture of Dots isn’t like Starburst, where you worry that your fillings are getting pulled out.  Rather, they have the texture where you know you will be picking little pieces of them out of your teeth for the rest of the day.  I see that as a good thing.  Usually, when I get candy, I wolf it down with no regards to my candy desires later on.  This way, I can eat Dots as fast as I want, and I’ll still be able to find a little more to enjoy later.

5) Reese’s Pieces

 

Reese’s Pieces are the younger, cooler brother of the Peanut Butter Cup.  Even though I think the pieces have been around longer.  I don’t actually know.  And there’s no father, so that analogy sucked.  The pieces had their moment in the spotlight when they were in ET, but it’s been pretty much downhill since then.  The Peanut Butter Cups have achieved very high popularity, like I mentioned earlier.  There have been several variations, from crunchy to white chocolate, and many others in between.  As for the pieces, they have remained essentially unchanged all these years.  However, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, since they used to be great, and since they remained unchanged, that still means they’re great.  Unfortunately, the pieces get jerked around every Halloween.  Hardly anyone gives them away, and that’s garbage; Reese’s Pieces deserve glory and accolades, or at least purchase and distribution.

4) Those Orange and Black Peanut Butter Flavored Chews

 

There are a few variations of these, although I recently found out that there are Mary Jane based ones, which seem to be the most widely available.  Don’t let the fact that they’re made by the crap producing Necco fool you; Mary Janes are hardcore.  Mary Janes are another old school candy that has continued to kick ass for decades.  They have also slowly become less and less popular, to the point where you can only buy them for $6.40 for a half a pound, or in one of those “classic” candy catalogs that sell Blackjack gum.  So apparently Mary Janes got fed up with this nonsense, and just said, to hell with it.  Mary Janes knew they were great, and they didn’t need anyone’s approval.  So for Halloween they didn’t even come dressed in their traditional wrapper with that little girl on it.  They simply threw on some ratty black and orange wax paper, and said here’s my awful costume; we can’t afford a better one because all of you bastards neglect to buy us.  Besides the fact that the wrappers are very plain, they also tend to be very loose.  This always gives it that mysterious “possibly poisoned” appearance, which is always a hit with rebellious children, who whip them out of their plastic pumpkins and eat them in front of their horrified parents.

3) Popcorn Balls

I don’t understand why popcorn balls aren’t more popular.  They are a fairly traditional Halloween treat.  Even though they are also traditionally homemade, there are a fair amount of mass produced popcorn balls.  The ones I bought are made by Act II, which is a company that I am familiar with from the eleven hundred bags of their product that my family purchases at BJs.  Maybe they aren’t popular because they aren’t as nutritionally empty as most Halloween candy.  They’ve even got fiber.  This is the Heart Healthy choice for 2004.  There are very few things a child will get on Halloween that will keep them regular.  Increase those odds; give out popcorn balls.

2) Red Licorice Pipes

 

These things are flat out bad ass.  First of all, it’s a pipe that you can eat; you don’t see that too often.  And as everyone already knows, pipes are inherently cool.  This candy is also very old school, they’re another one that you don’t see except in good candy stores or catalogs.  You can, however, buy them in bulk from catalogs, and they’re not too expensive at all.  Do not, DO NOT confuse these with their nefarious evil twin: The Black Licorice Pipe.  NO.  Black licorice, and there can be no arguing on this point, is the single most vile flavor that has ever existed.  I have actually known people who LIKE this flavor.  Normally, if someone likes something that I don’t, I just think well they can eat it, I sure as hell don’t want it.  But when someone tells me they enjoy black licorice, the only reaction that can occur is to tell them no.  No, you are wrong.  You don’t like that flavor.  There is no conceivable way that a flavor like that is slipping past your taste buds undetected.  And there is no way in hell that those taste buds are giving any sort of approval.  The absolute animosity towards black licorice can actually work in your favor if you do choose to give out the red pipes.  A kid will see it, and say, ugh, I got a black licorice pipe.  But then, when the pipe’s true color is revealed, it is a complete one eighty into the realm of total delight.

1)      Any Full Sized Candy Bar

No matter where you grew up, what neighborhoods you went Trick or Treating in, or anything like that, you have been given at least one full sized candy bar on Halloween.  It might have been a Snickers bar, a Kit Kat bar, or even something as below average as a 5th Avenue bar, it doesn’t matter.  The strain in your pumpkin arm let you know that whatever was just dropped in there had some impressive weight.  Then, when what just happened sinks in, you are instantly placed into a state of sheer elation.  This is why you should take it upon yourself to be a role model to the children in your neighborhood.  You can change lives by buying your Halloween candy at BJs, by buying the full sized bars.  Because once you give these away, people will know that you are not the type of person that should be messed with.  If you have the confidence to wield such large pieces of candy on Halloween, who knows what you are capable of?  Total awesomeness, that’s what.

  

Runners up: Bit O Honey, Gobstoppers (not the chewy variety), and Bottle Caps.

And, as with any great Best Of list, there must be a Worst Of list.  It is preferable to avoid the middle of the pack candies, and stick to the best candies that I already listed, but that probably won’t happen.  So, at the very least, avoid giving away any of these atrocities.

10) Johnny Apple Treats

 

Johnny is part of an awesome line of candy that includes Alexander the Grape, Lemonheads, Boston Baked Beans, and Atomic Fireballs.  Johnny, unlike the other kinds, just didn’t have a whole lot going for him.  First of all, he’s apple, which is almost always a recipe for disaster.  The rule of thumb for apple candies is simple… they suck.  They even tried replacing flavors of Skittles, Starburst, and other candies with apple, but luckily that failed in most instances.  Apparently the candy’s name has been changed, and it is now called Apple Heads.  They can change their name, but they can’t erase their shameful past.

9) Candy Cigarettes

I’m not going to get into the stupid “candy cigarettes encourage kids to smoke,” argument, because it’s utter nonsense.  If anything, all it teaches kids is to settle for ass crack quality candy.  These sticks come in a variety of boxes, but for some reason the most common ones around Halloween come in a Popeye box.  A cartoon character that hasn’t been relevant for decades, used to promote a wretched candy.  That is one hell of a recipe for success.  Another problem with candy cigarettes is that they stole the glory from the better faux cigarette, cigarette gum.  They had the paper wrapper, and when you blew through them, a puff of “smoke” would come out.  They were amazing.  Candy cigarettes taste like a Fun Dip stick that you found under your bed.

8) Plain M&Ms

 

Why do people still give these out?  I don’t see why these are offered at all.  It’s like selling Lucky Charms without marshmallows.  Sure, it would still taste decent, but why would you eat it when there is an infinitely superior version right next to it on the shelf?  I am not saying which M&M version is the best, I’m simply saying which one is the worst.  It is “plain,” in case you’re not paying attention.

7) McDonalds Gift Certificates

 

I had trouble deciding whether these were a really good thing to give away, or a really bad thing.  On the plus side, it is a change of pace, it’s something other than candy, and it’s almost like getting money.  On the negative side, you don’t get anything right then, plus you have to go to a McDonalds to redeem them. Also, they’re never for anything anyone would want; they are always for children’s sundaes or McDonald Land cookies.  They should make Boston Market Halloween gift certificates, redeemable for one small side of mashed potatoes.  I’d give those out.

6) Necco Wafers

 

These are known the world over as being disgusting, and they were such an obvious choice that I wasn’t even going to put them on this list.  Then, on a recent trip to Waldbaums, I saw that they were selling “fun size” Necco Wafers.  This, I will not stand for.  My earliest memory of Necco Wafers was when I was on a field trip to the Old Bethpage Restoration, and one of the fake colonial people was talking to us about horses.  He said how when the horses were good, he would give them one of “these,” then pulled a stick of them out of his pocket.  He let us try one, and I was somehow able to find a candy that I had no interest in ever eating again.  Don’t give horse candy to children on Halloween; although I do recommend keeping a small pack in your pocket.  That way, when you are eating a good type of candy, such as a stick of Chewy Spree, and someone asks you for a piece, just slip a Necco Wafer out of your pocket and give one to them.  This will possibly stop them from ever asking for more candy.

5) Milky Ways

 

While there certainly are worse tasting candies than Milky Ways, they always remain one of the great disappointments.  The fact that they’re not bad makes the situation worse.  It’s got the caramel, nougat, and chocolate.  It sounds like a good combination, but it fails.  First of all, ditch the caramel.  Caramel sucks.  If you rid Milky Ways of the caramel, you would get a 3 Musketeers bar.  That would be an enormous improvement, but it probably wouldn’t make much business sense to release two of the exact same products.  Or you could say, even though you would be wrong, that caramel doesn’t suck.  Fine, but you’d still need to add something else, to get rid of the texture blandness.  You could add peanuts, but then you would have Snickers.  So I guess we have to leave the Milky Way bar alone.  And that’s why it gets classified as “candy I would never buy from a vending machine, unless the only other choices were Beechnut gum, Lotsa Fizz, and Chuckles.”

4) Saf-T-Pops

 

Basically, these are plain lollipops, which are lame to begin with, with a “safety” handle.  Instead of a regular stick, the handle is a loop.  First of all, anyone that isn’t physically capable of using a normal handle probably shouldn’t be eating hard candy.  It’s a choking hazard, and a poor candy choice for impatient youngsters.  They’re likely to chip a tooth.  Plus it ruins the whole Riverdale bad ass look of having a lollipop in your mouth, with the lump in your cheek and the stick poking out.

3) Good and Plenty

Man, talk about one of your all time misnomers.  I can officially say that “Good” is way down at the bottom of the list of words I would use to describe this candy.  “Plenty,” well, they got that right, since there will be plenty of this crap left over once they realize it tastes like black licorice.  The packaging is fairly devious as well.  Usually, when a candy is black licorice flavored, it is plastered everywhere, giving fair warning to all consumers.  The Good and Plenty package has “licorice candy” written in purple ink… on a purple box.

And at least most black licorice candies have the decency to not hang out in the good candy section, and usually sticks to the weird movie theatre candy, or in the 99 cent bags.  Good and Plenty has the audacity to sit right next to the likes of Mamba and Twizzlers.  Although Twizzlers is guilty of making a black licorice version, but at least with them, there is no mistaking what is inside.  Speaking of Good and Plenty, when the hell did they stop making Good and Fruity?  Those were delicious.  Stupid candy companies always canceling the wrong product.

2) Pennies

 

Yes, I know, this isn’t even close to being candy.  It doesn’t matter.  Everyone has gotten repeated doses of pennies, and no matter how many times it happens, it never gets any easier.  You never get numb to the fact that some wretched neighbor has put so little effort into Halloween that they are reduced to giving out whatever they have in their pocket at the time, or digging from their giant Poland Spring bottle full of change.  I had a neighbor that would carefully measure out a teaspoon of pennies to give to me.  She couldn’t even make it a tablespoon?  And for those of you thinking, hey it might seem like just pennies, but those pennies add up.  No, they don’t.  The amount of time you waste waiting for someone to distribute the pennies, you are wasting valuable time that could be used to collect legitimate candy from more respectable households.

Pennies also represent a dangerous trend.  Once pennies becomes accepted as a giveaway, more and more ridiculous crap will flood the Trick or Treating marketplace.  People have already attempted to make toothbrushes, activity pads,  and spider rings acceptable, and I refuse to allow it.  However, once pennies are given the go ahead, these other fringe novelties will be next.  And, after that, there is no telling what will come next.  In ten years, we will be a nation reduced to accepting AOL CDs, hotel soap bars, and empty cans for the bottle deposit.  I am not having any of that.  I am thinking of a way to combine the two lamest elements of Halloween, and turn them into a force of good.  If you are given pennies, just disperse them all over the house’s walkway.  This can be a new international sign for the shaving cream kids that this particular house needs a healthy spray of Barbasol.  Spread the word.

1) Circus Peanuts

 

Do they even give these away on Halloween?  I don’t actually know.  It doesn’t matter anyway; any list that has the words “worst” and “candy” in it must contain Circus Peanuts.  There are so many things wrong with them.  First of all, the name is confusing.  Actual circus peanuts are, well, peanuts, and even these can go either way.  Peanuts are, of course, good, but peanuts still in the shell?  Forget it.  They’re not worth it.  You crack them open and get the peanut shrapnel all over you, then you have to deal with that weird brown skin surrounding the actual peanut.  Are you supposed to eat that part?  There’s something overtly amniotic about it.  Forget peanuts.

The name Circus Peanuts implies something that could be good, but is just too aggravating to be worth it.  Even worse, it turns out that Circus Peanuts have nothing to do with anything.  They’re just giant orange puffs in the general shape of a peanut.  It looks like Mr. Peanut without his exoskeleton.  As for the taste, oh man, I can’t even describe them.  The taste is equivalent to having splinters shoved under your fingernails while someone stretches the opening of a full balloon, and it’s making that “RHEEEEEEEEEEEEE” noise.  And that isn’t even getting into the creepy texture.  Ugh, that’s it.  I’m through talking about these things.  God damned Circus Peanuts.  They make me so angry.

Runners up: Sugar Daddy, gummy hamburgers, anything banana.

Special thanks to Adam Geller for making the title graphics, if left to my own devices, they would have been made in MS Paint.