So, I saw this today at Target.
Happy Halloween!
Cereal Reviews
Self explanatory, I’d hope.
Since Zug.com died a rather abrupt death, I figured I should mirror my work here. Also, this way I can pretend they’re new updates. Excuse the terrible formatting, I felt like putting in effort to fix it would be an insult to the original work. Also, I didn’t want to put in effort.
In a recent study, cereal was determined to be the best food ever created. This study was done in my house, when no one else was home, but I think its results are still valid.
Cereal makes up 30-40% of my daily caloric intake, and is responsible for at least two of my daily servings of froot. Sure, compressed flour and sugar make for great cereal. My question was, what else would make for great cereal? And even more interesting: what would make for terrible cereal?
The timing was perfect for this experiment. My wife was going out of town for the weekend, so I could see what it would be like to spend three straight days by myself, eating nothing but insane cereals. I don’t know what that says about me, when I have a weekend to myself, and my first instinct is “Time for cereal!” I personally think it says something awesome.
The experiment starts where most work weeks should: Friday.
Cereal Experiment #1: Bacon Bits
Despite my love for it, I rarely eat cereal in the morning. Usually I’m too sleepy to go to that incredible effort, so my usual breakfast consists of a granola bar, Fruit Roll Ups, and soda.
Even more than cereal, the best food to have for breakfast (notice I said “for,” not “with”) is bacon. However, going to the effort of cooking it is way too much work, not to mention the hazards of spattering grease.
So, I went for the next best thing: bacon bits. I poured a nice big bowl, added the milk, and dug in.
These were cheaper than Baco’s, since they save money by getting rid of the “O”
At first, the bacon bits appeared like they could pull off their role as cereal; they even looked like flesh-colored Grape Nuts. However, their ability to stay crunchy in milk was non-existent. Within seconds, the Bac’n Pieces had turned to Bac’n Mush. It essentially became a cold, meaty oatmeal. Wilford Brimley would not approve.
Ignore the irony of wearing a “Meat is Murder” shirt while eating bacon
The pervasive, smoky meat flavor didn’t make for the most pleasant milk-drinking. The flavor a cereal gives the milk is always an important factor, and bacon bits just did not work. I know making things bacon-flavored is all the rage right now, but bacon milk is something I don’t see catching on.
In fairness, this is probably more appetizing than Banana Quik
Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: Meaty
Overall Rating (out of 10): 2
Cereal Experiment #2: Pork Rinds
For lunch, I decided to stick with the high-protein theme. I thought pork rinds might work better as a cereal, but keep in mind this is in comparison to bacon, so it’s possible.
They misspell “bacon” to include the word “bake,” yet they’re fried. I’m confused.
I had never eaten pork rinds before, since, well, they’re the fried skin of a pig. However, I thought their puffy and crispy texture would make them an ideal candidate for making the switch from bag to bowl.
Squeal like a pig, cereal!
Boy, was I wrong. It can now safely be said that dried or puffed meats just don’t work as cereal. When in the milk, they kept their puffy shape, but any semblance of crispiness was gone. They took on the horrifying texture of a firm interior surrounded by mushy slime. Also, they were flavored like spicy pig.
While it would be easy to make a cartoon spokesanimal for a spicy pork rind cereal (a pig in a devil costume, holding a spoon instead of a pitchfork — you’re welcome, ad agencies), the actual cereal probably wouldn’t sell very well. Maybe if Atkins was still popular.
Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: Meaty and zesty
Overall Rating (out of 10): 2
Cereal Experiment #3: Wasabi Peas
After all that meat, I thought it might be a nice idea to get in a serving of vegetables.
Officially endorsed by Asian Monopoly Man.
Wasabi peas are one of my favorite work snacks, since they’re one of the less nutritionally-terrible things I eat. I can eat a ton of them pretty mindlessly, and my body tells me when to stop, in the form of a violent, burning stomachache.
Since they’re very crispy, I thought they would hold up to milk. And their shape is very cereal-esque.
At first, things were going well. The peas were staying crunchy, and the milk did a good job of keeping the wasabi from being too overwhelming. It actually stayed pretty crunchy throughout the whole bowl, although the flavor did seem to get a bit washed out as it went along.
Full of green pea-ness.
I found out the reason for this when I drank the resulting milk. The milk was slowly washing the wasabi coating off the peas. Therefore, the milk had turned into, basically, liquid wasabi. So that wasn’t too pleasant.
Did it work well as a cereal? Yes
Did it stay crunchy in milk? Yes
Resulting Milk Flavor: Nostril Clearing
Overall Rating (out of 10): 7
Cereal Experiment #4: Skittles
Later in the day, I decided to have something sweet. I already had a serving of vegetables, now it was time for a serving of fruit.
Breakfast of diabetic champions.
I thought Skittles would hold up to the milk well, since their shell would protect them. But within minutes, the milk was washing all of the dye off the Skittles, leaving them a rather unappealing grayish-tan.
Instead of staying their usual, chewy texture, the cold milk had turned them rock-hard. So every bite was a form of exercise (an added bonus), struggling through the near-impenetrable shell to get to the now incredibly tough interior.
I have absolutely no idea what those white specks are. Maybe the S’s washed off.
On the bright side, the resulting milk was pretty good. It tasted like they took a big bag of the artificial flavoring from Trix, and used about eighty times the recommended amount.
Did it work well as a cereal? Yes
Did it stay crunchy in milk? Yes
Resulting Milk Flavor: A rainbow of sugar
Overall Rating (out of 10): 6
Cereal Experiment #5: Sriracha Peas
Since I never plan ahead for anything, I hadn’t planned what I would have for dinner. Which is why I wound up eating more peas.
I have no idea why this picture looks so deformed, but it’s giving me vertigo
Instead of wasabi, these were sriracha peas. Sriracha is a Thai chile sauce that people often use on cooking shows, because if no one knows what it is, it must taste good.
Not pictured: fly on window that is looking like a better dinner alternative
When turned into cereal, the peas didn’t fare very well. Unlike the wasabi peas, which sort of worked, the sriracha peas tasted disgusting in milk. The spiciness of the sriracha became diluted, and the flavoring turned into something more like ketchup.
Doctors do not recommend having a pool of this in your stomach before bed
What made this even worse was I knew that after finishing the cereal, I would still have to contend with the milk. I was right to be afraid, since the resulting milk was simply horrid. It tasted like the hellspawn of cheap cocktail sauce and Spaghetti-O’s.
Did it work well as a cereal? Yes
Did it stay crunchy in milk? Yes
Resulting Milk Flavor: Chef Boyardee-tastic
Overall Rating (out of 10): 2
Cereal Experiment #6: Cheddar Whales
I started the day with a food that seemed to have a good blend of cerealish qualities, but still had the savory aspect of an IHOP pigout (minus the pig).
Phew, it’s real cheddar … otherwise, this might have not tasted good
Cheddar Whales are the mutant offspring of Goldfish crackers and Cheez-Its. Try not to ponder the actual reproduction process that would lead to them. It’s not pleasant.
Moby Dick would have been a lot better if the whale was orange
Surprisingly, the whales got soggy almost immediately, though you would assume whales would have better natural protection from liquid. The cheese flavor didn’t taste as good in milk as you would think (I’m assuming you would think it would taste delicious).
The finale of the direct-to-DVD ripoff of The Cove
The resulting milk was surprising. I was expecting the orange to wash off into the milk more, but instead the milk was just a vaguely unsettling orange-tan. What wasn’t surprising was that it had a mildly unpleasant cheese flavor. I was expecting that part.
Did it work well as a cereal? Yes
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: 100% Real Cheez
Overall Rating (out of 10): 3
Cereal Experiment #7: Marshmallows
The Cheddar Whales alone wouldn’t cut it. Breakfast without large amounts of sugar seems un-American. I realized what my morning cereal was missing: marshmallows!
Now with 0% oat pieces!
I don’t think they sell those dry, powdery marshmallows that come in cereal or packets of hot chocolate, so I had to substitute regular mini-marshmallows.
Having Lucky Charms in the background while eating pure marshmallows wasn’t on purpose
The marshmallows were hit or miss. They were almost impossible to eat, as the milk glued them together into a gigantic mass. But they did provide two of the recommended servings of sugar, without any artificial dyes! So when you think about it, it’s actually quite healthy. I think Kashi is really missing an opportunity here.
Puffed sugar in milk: breakfast the way nature intended
Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: Like chocolate milk, without the chocolate.
Overall Rating (out of 10): 4
Cereal Experiment #8: Peanuts
I had gotten hungry sooner than expected, which was surprising due to my hearty breakfast. Going for something with a bit more protein, I decided on a bag of peanuts.
Like the Skittles, the cold milk turned the peanuts rock hard. This is probably the second hardest cereal I’ve ever eaten, trailing only Grape Nuts. Seriously, how do people physically eat those?
The milk washed all the salt off the peanuts, so the peanuts themselves were rather bland. The resulting salt milk was, well, like drinking a bowl full of sea water. But with more calcium.
Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? Yes
Resulting Milk Flavor: Oceanic
Overall Rating (out of 10): 2
Cereal Experiment #9: Beef Jerky
Since beef jerky is dehydrated beef, adding liquid should result in just beef, correct?
I’d love a beef jerky T-shirt, but it would go to waste since I don’t go to enough gala ballroom events.
Most likely for the same reason cold water plus pasta doesn’t make edible pasta, this did not result in a delicious beef stew. Due to the cheap pieces of meat, and the beef flavor washing into the milk to create a strange gravy, the whole dish became unfortunately similar to cat food.
Certainly the first cereal I’ve ever had that could be described as “really chewy.”
I should mention I am only assuming this is what cat food tastes like. I have eaten Frosty Paws before, but that is as far as it’s gone.
Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: Fancy Feast
Overall Rating (out of 10): 3
Cereal Experiment #9: Bottle Caps
Saturday’s cereals had not been going well, and I really needed a win. So I went with something I had long thought would work well as a cereal: Bottle Caps. They had a cereal-y size and texture, and the flavor would be similar to Froot Loops.
Sugary cereal and soda: together at last
I was right. This was awesome. Even though I’m still mad at Wonka for changing the shape of Bottle Caps (they’re no longer cap-shaped with the indentation, just flat circles), these worked perfectly.
Like a white trash ice cream float
They stayed crunchy, but not too crunchy, and they actually worked well with the milk. Since most of the soda flavors would pair well with milk anyway (grape not so much), overall it meshed nicely.
Not pictured: someone half a mile away contracting diabetes from inhaling these fumes
As for the resulting milk: holy crap. It tasted like the undiluted syrup they use in soda fountains to make Hi-C.
Did it work well as a cereal? Yes
Did it stay crunchy in milk? Yes
Resulting Milk Flavor: Pure liquid sugar and froot.
Overall Rating (out of 10): 9
Cereal Experiment #10: Vienna Sausages
For dinner, I thought I should have something more substantial. But what I had available was truly distressing. To me, Vienna Sausages are one the most revolting foods imaginable. I’ve never actually eaten one, but I have smelled them, and that’s enough.
It’s somehow more appetizing if you pretend they’re human fingers
Opening the can, I was met with the horrid little pink tubes. It’s like in a horror movie when they find a victim in a barrel, their rotting corpse suspended in rank liquid. Except the corpse would probably smell and taste better.
Photographic evidence of one of the top five lowest moments in my life
That may seem like a bold statement, but have you ever eaten a Vienna Sausage? Jeez, they were AWFUL. I think the milk actually helped at first, because it washed off the horrid brine, leaving me with basically cold, wet, uncooked hot dogs. Except not as appetizing as that sounds.
And since the milk washed all the brine off, guess where it went? Into the milk itself. The milk smelled like armpits, and tasted like low tide. It felt like simply drinking the Sausage Milk should have been one of the traps in “Saw.”
Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: Staten Island
Overall Rating (out of 10): 0
Cereal Experiment #11: Chex Mix
Granted, Chex Mix isn’t thought of as a cereal. Sure, it has cereal in it, but it also has pretzels, bagel chips, and those weird curvy cylinders that no one likes.
The Lonely Island would approve of this cereal
From my last visit to the supermarket, I would estimate that there are currently nine hundred varieties of Chex Mix. I went with Bold Party Mix, because it seemed like the most up-the-middle in terms of savory flavor.
I knew the experiment had worn me down when this tasted good
As a cereal, this worked beautifully. It was a bit confusing when I got a spoonful with a giant bagel chip, but I persevered and figured out how to eat those as well. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to brag.
Still more delicious than Wheat Chex
Considering it was bold and savory, it actually tasted pretty good. The texture held up to the milk, and while the milk wasn’t a hidden gem unleashing Chex Mix’s true potential, it also didn’t make it disgusting. Which, at this point, is something I will consider a victory.
Did it work well as a cereal? Yes
Did it stay crunchy in milk? Yes
Resulting Milk Flavor: If you used beef ramen seasoning in place of Quik
Overall Rating (out of 10): 7
Cereal Experiment #12: Cocktail Onions
The weekend’s experiments had killed off my appetite, so I wound up not eating anything for about eight hours.
Even though meat would never work as a cereal, I couldn’t give up on all savory items. The dried peas didn’t work too well, but what about wet vegetables?
A major faux pas: eating white foods after Labor Day
Cocktail onions seemed like a good choice. Well, they seemed like they would work because they were small and round. In retrospect, everything else about them made this a horrible idea.
I drained them first, since the onion juice would throw off the milk, and make all of my exhaustively researched data null and void.
For maximum accuracy, insert Pigpen stink fumes above the bowl
As a cereal, the texture was just awful. They obviously weren’t crunchy, but they had this awful, eyeball-like consistency. The onions themselves weren’t too bad. Since I think they are pickled in some way, their flavor is much more mild than your standard onion. Although here is the fact that they are still onions.
The milk was a different story. A story filled with sadness and betrayal. It was just onion brine, thickened with milk. Like a really thin, strong onion dip smoothie. Multiple parts of my body were angry with me at this point: stomach, nose, mouth, eyes.
I felt like George Costanza eating the raw onion, except I didn’t even get a dime.
Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: Would saying REALLY ONIONY be too obvious?
Overall Rating (out of 10): 1
Cereal Experiment #13: Sliced Jalapenos
My stomach was none too happy with my decision to eat onions and drink their milk. So my next experiment would stay in the vegetable family, drowning out the onion burning with an even worse burning sensation.
Milk is supposed to be good after spicy foods … this cuts out the middle man
Jalapeno slices seemed like they’d be a great fit on the spoon. This proved to not be entirely accurate, since the small, uniform slices on the wrapper didn’t exactly show up in the jar. The slices were different shades of green and different versions of round. These jalapenos did not have the same father.
I don’t know if I had just been so beaten down by this weekend that the concept of something being not disgusting was enough to be considered “good,” but the jalapenos were surprisingly good.
This cereal is not likely to wind up as a Gerber Graduates meal any time soon
The texture wasn’t crunchy, of course, but they did have enough snap where it didn’t feel like a spoonful of mush. And I will surely never get a job writing as a food critic when I admit that the jalapeno flavor went really well with the milk.
The milk itself, that didn’t work so well. It didn’t take on any jalapeno flavor, it was just very spicy. I don’t think the formatting on this site will allow me to express “very” in the way it deserves, so just imagine that word “very” in font size 56. The taste was like pure capsaicin. Normally, jarred jalapenos aren’t that bad, but I guess the entire jar had enough spiciness to soak into the milk to make it a force to be afraid of.
Don’t be fooled: this is a bowl of pure pain
Although when I can say “The jalapeno cereal was good, although the milk wasn’t very delicious,” I will take that as a success, no questions asked.
Did it work well as a cereal? Yes
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: The second or sixth level of Dante’s Inferno, whichever is worse
Overall Rating (out of 10): 7
Cereal Experiment #14: Fruit Gushers
For my last cereal of the experiment, I wanted to go out with something that I thought would taste really good. The cereal would be made from Gushers.
I’m assuming there were absolutely no artificial colorings used
As an added bonus, this could be the most meta cereal ever created. It’s a cereal, submerged in liquid, while filled with liquid. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you clean up the mess, since I just blew your mind.
This idea made me think of other cereals along the same lines. I hope to see a Boston Kreme Donut cereal as soon as possible.
The Gushers themselves, unfortunately, didn’t work too well. As soon as they hit the cold milk, they turned rock hard and stuck together. So my thirty or so individual Gushers turned into three large icebergs.
One of the sweetest cereals ever, possibly only second to Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs
The taste was still good, while the actual eating was a confusing experience. There would be a chunk of Gushers in a mouthful of milk, but when I bit into them they exploded, like underwater mines. The taste and texture of the fruit snack was sufficiently awesome enough to make this an overall success.
The milk tasted mostly like what you’d expect. A mix of milk, fruit snack surface sugar, and the liquid that leaked out of the Gushers, like fruity underwater oil wells.
Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: Like a creamy, melted Pop Ice
Overall Rating (out of 10): 8
Conclusions
Despite this weekend’s events, I still love cereal. This isn’t like when you catch your kid smoking, and make him smoke two full packs to make him hate the flavor for the rest of his life.
While I won’t be filling my days with Caesar Salad or Curry Chicken Cereal, I will never abandon the food that made me what I am today.
Although come to think of it, that really doesn’t say much for cereal.
Despite the fact that it would have probably made more sense to be released a decade ago, Spongebob Squarepants now has a cereal.
I’m not on the cutting edge of cartoons, despite my love of all things juvenile. So maybe he’s still super relevant, I don’t know. I apologize for my lack of knowledge on the subject, despite having my picture taken with him over ten years ago (back, apparently, when I thought 250×188 was the wave of the resolution future).
The box is “movie tie-in” sized, where it looks and feels like you’ll be lucky to get two decent-sized bowls out of the entire box. On the plus side, these little boxes always make me feel big and powerful, so I’m willing to make the sacrifice.
As far as the box itself goes, it’s kind of ugly. The blue is this weird shade, where it’s not teal enough to be teal, not seafoam-y enough to be seafoam – it’s just an assortment of unattractive green and blue shades.
I also thought Spongebob was supposed to be more of a bright yellow. This Spongebob looks like a sponge that you’ve been using for a couple of weeks to do the dishes. Not heavy loads of pots and pans and dried-marinara-covered plates – just a reasonable amount of light dish duty. But still… used.
I don’t know much about any of these characters. Let’s move on.
Since it’s a fun, cartoon-themed cereal, I was looking forward to some good old fashioned sugary cereal. What I got was… not so much that.
Visually, the cereal looks terrible. The colors are washed out – the reds look almost flesh-colored, and the yellow looks like hay.
Taste-wise isn’t much better. There’s a very vague fruit flavor, but it is like the equivalent of getting a fountain soda when the syrup is almost empty. The flavor is there, but it’s clearly not right.
It’s not even “lightly sweetened”, like Kix. It just tastes like almost nothing. Not fruity, not sweet, not cereal piece-y. Just… nothing.
Maybe this cereal is ten years old, and I just found an old stash on the shelf. That would certainly explain a lot.
[no seal of approval]
Pebbles seems to be challenging Cap’n Crunch when it comes to random brand extensions. Not long after introducing Poppin’ Pebbles, they release a limited flavor – Summer Berry.
The downside to this cereal being Pebble-theme is, Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm are boring. Pebbles is just kind of there, and Bamm-Bamm has mutant strength yet doesn’t fight caveman crime. Although at least Pebbles makes sense – she has red hair like Wilma. Bamm-Bamm’s white hair makes you assume that his mutant powers gave him some physical abnormalities besides the strength. That or the more obvious assumption that Betty wasn’t very faithful.
The box reads Fourth of July pretty well, although the abundance of white and very light blue gives it a more immediate impression of being winter themed.
I don’t know if the cereal tastes exactly like Poppin’ Pebbles, minus the exploding boulder things, but from what I remember it is similar. They both had that strong, unpleasant, almost medicinal initial scent. The first impressions of the flavor was similar as well – not that good at first, but you get used to it and it averages out to a decent bowl of cereal.
Visually, it’s nice – the red and blue are very vibrant, letting you know that the coloring is sure to be all natural.
But overall? Eh. It has the downsides of Poppin’ Pebbles without the fun novelty. It’s not bad, just forgettable, and definitely an inferior sibling of the original Pebbles cereals.
[no seal of approval]
I was rather confused when I saw the box for Jif Cereal.
First, the design just looks old. I know it’s based on the Jif label, but still, it looks like a box of cereal from the 70’s. Especially since Jif isn’t exactly a hot commodity right now – it’s just sort of there. I know choosy moms have been supporting Jif for a long while, but they might not be the trend-setters they think they are.
Not helping the situation is the not particularly attractive cereal pieces taking up a good portion of the box.
The cereal itself doesn’t really look like a cereal that should be made any more. It just looks… old. The shape seems arbitrarily chosen, and the shade is sad looking – it’s not even close to the same shade as actual peanut butter.
But the taste is what really counts, right? And the taste is pretty good. I’m coming to the conclusion that with cereal, the more “real” the peanut butter flavor is, the less I enjoy it – especially in the long run.
Cereals like Peanut Butter Cheerios and Peanut Butter Toast Crunch tasted great at first, but quickly grew tiresome to me. I’ve never bought a second box of either. Meanwhile I love the less authentic representations of the flavor like Reese’s Puffs. I also love the flavor of Peanut Butter Crunch, but I lack the jaw of Trap Jaw from Masters of the Universe to be able to chew through those rock-hard pieces.
Overall, the flavor is good. It’s not as super peanut butter-y as some other peanut butter cereals, which is ironic given the brand it’s attached to. It finds a pretty comfortable middle ground between authentic taste and “cereal” taste. It kept its crunch for a reasonable amount of time, and flavored the milk a little, just so you knew it was there.
Will I buy another box? Probably not. But I do think it was good enough to check out to see if it’s up your peanut butter alley.
[insert half-hearted seal of approval here]
BONUS CEREAL REVIEW!
On the back of the box for Jif Cereal, they suggest mixing it with Double Chocolate Krave, to MacGyver your own chocolate and peanut butter cereal.
This sounded like a pretty awesome combination. Double Chocolate Krave is one of my favorite chocolate cereals in a while, and while the shapes aren’t identical, it seemed like they’d blend together pretty well.
First off – the cereal didn’t look nearly this ugly in person. My camera just seemed to get super confused about the color palette and decide, “Everything in this picture should have its brown-ness tweaked!”
The Krave pieces were bigger than the Jif Pieces, which surprisingly hurt the mixture more than you’d think. It took actual effort to balance the spoonfuls, since even after thorough mixing I kept winding up with almost all Krave or all Jif on the spoon. But I persevered through these hardships to determine the flavor.
In the end, it was okay. The flavors didn’t really go together that well – it just made me wish I was eating the cereals separately.
What I think would be a much better solution would be to use Quik instead of milk when you have a bowl of Jif Cereal. I think I might have to try that.
I appreciate the recognition of Kellogg’s, who is finally catering to the “eating cereal at 3 AM before going to bed and / or waking up in the middle of the night and eat cereal, bleary-eyed, then go back to sleep” consumer category of which I am a proud member.
Unless there is a gigantic “NEW!” or similar claim, I don’t usually get too emotionally invested in cereal boxes. Sure, sometimes they are depressing, like when the drawings of Lucky the Lephrachaun get a little too realistic, or when the vibe of a “budget” cereal is just a little too sad.
But other than that, for the most part, whatever you want to throw at me on the front of the box is fine.
Until now.
I’ve long spoken of Honey Nut Cheerios as a cereal that doesn’t get enough respect, especially from me. It’s a very good cereal that, for some reason, has an overwhelming aura of boringness to it. I’ve done a better job of powering through my irrational prejudices against it, and making it part of my regular rotation. But now, they are really testing my newfound loyalty.
The new Honey Nut Cheerios box is an abomination.
By now, I’m sure you’ve seen the commercials set to Nelly’s “Ride Wit Me”, oh so cleverly re-imagined as “Must Be the Honey”. It’s the sort of parody song that Weird Al would crank out in a few seconds, should he ever develop an addiction to cocaine that destroyed his existing finances.
You know when you’re talking to someone, and ten minutes after the conversation ends you think of a really funny reply? And you’re just angry at yourself, knowing the chance has passed and you will never get to use it? That’s what this should have been. When the song was relevant, “Must Be the Honey” could have been a moderately clever jingle, for the month or so we would have put up with it.
But thirteen years after the fact? I’m sorry, General Mills – you’ve got to let that idea fade into the ether.
Small favors, I suppose – they give you some good news on the front of the box – it’s “Limited Edition”. Not limited enough, unfortunately, that it didn’t reach my supermarket.
Even Buzz Bee’s redesign makes him look like a jerk. Here he is, on the box of Medley Crunch:
He’s got some style there – rocking Chuck Taylors, a modern, smooth crotch region, and Bart Simpson’s shirt. Now he’s wearing Fred Durst’s shirt, let his undercarriage hair grow out, and is wearing some sort of chromed sneakers.
The awfulness continues, and actually grows, on the back of the box.
First, he addresses us as “Home Bees” – bad start. Regarding his signature, at first I thought it was an amalgamation of a drawing of a bee and his initials, since the wings look like the “B” in “Bee”. But since his first name is Buzz, and I couldn’t find the first “B”, I think his signature is literally a drawing of himself.
For that, I have to give him credit – that’s awesome. I’m tempted to just put a little stick figure man on my credit card signature line, and sign all my legal documents that way. So, fair’s fair and give credit where credit’s due and all that. Well done, Buzz.
Back to the terribleness. Although I’m feeling a bit of fatigue from this box, so we’ll wrap this up.
No.
What I don’t get is, why did Buzz Bee decide that he wanted to adopt the persona of Kenny Fisher from “Can’t Hardly Wait”? Although I can’t decide if Buzz Bee Tweeting “Why ya’ll gotta waste my honey flava? #mustbethehoney #loveburger4eva” would annoy me or make me proud. I think the latter.
After successfully avoiding using Twitter for however long it’s existed, I had to create an account, if only to tweet this, in response to General Mills’s request that I share my “Must Be the Honey” moments:
Listen, Buzz, or General Mills – whoever reads this – stop this. Right now. Honey Nut Cheerios is an awesome cereal. But it isn’t, and never will be, a cool cereal. It’s a cereal that people don’t have for a while, then go, “Oh, 2 for $5? I guess I’ll grab a box.” Then they enjoy the boxes, and next time they’re at the store, they remember this and buy more. Then they forget. Repeat pattern.
Bring back Buzz’s Chucks, clean up his act, make him pull up his pants / fuzzy crotch, and cut this crap out.
It seems that lots of my cereal reviews start off with an admission akin to, “I don’t usually give (whatever cereal) the credit it deserves. Then I eat it and am glad I got it.” So I guess that can be my catch phrase.
I don’t usually give Honeycomb the credit it deserves. Then I eat it and am glad I got it.
Hmm, not as catchy as I’d hoped.
While confirming the actual spelling of Honeycomb, it became clear that Post isn’t particularly strict about presenting the cereal’s name. I always thought Honeycomb was one word, but the box indicates it is “Honey-Comb”. But according to Post’s web site, it is indeed Honeycomb. So on the box, they broke one of the main rules of professional writing – avoid that dangling hyphen thing. Oddly enough, “dangling hyphen thing” is the actual term.
What an exciting paragraph that was!
I saw the “Limited Time Only!” and was confused. Then I noticed the almost subtle “With Twisted Marshmallows” subtitle, and was even more confused. Why would they add marshmallows to this? Honeycomb’s cereal pieces are gigantic – they are probably the biggest pieces of any cereal. So are the marshmallows going to be as big as quarters to keep pace, or are they going to be regular-sized cereal pieces lost amidst the monstrous Honeycomb pieces?
What was also surprising was the box’s design – usually when a cereal comes out with a limited-edition variety, the box design gets a dramatic makeover. Instead, Honeycomb was chill about it, content to just add a little line at the bottom to let you know what’s up. There are also marshmallows flying around, but they’re almost camouflaged.
In retrospect, I don’t even remember seeing regular Honeycombs on the shelf – only this. So is this “limited time only” edition taking the place of Honeycomb completely, albeit temporarily? It is extremely possible that I just forgot to look closely for the regular version. I’ll let you in on a little secret – my reviews don’t have the most stringent of guidelines and aren’t the most disciplined. This might also help explain why this site clearly hasn’t been re-designed since the year 2000.
So the official answer on whether or not the marshmallow version has temporarily replaced the regular version altogether is – “maybe, I don’t know – it’s possible”.
Again, the biggest question for all of this is, “Why?” Some cereals seem like they don’t need marshmallows, but wind up being pretty solid – Froot Loops, Apple Jacks, and other examples I don’t feel like remembering at this moment. But Honeycomb? It makes about as much sense as adding marshmallows to Frosted Mini-Wheats. But then again, they did get me to buy a box, which I probably wouldn’t have otherwise, so I have no real room to talk.
Pouring the cereal, I was (again) confused – I didn’t see any marshmallows. Upon closer inspection, I found some of the saddest looking marshmallows you will ever see. They are about 1/6 the size of the cereal pieces, and colored in this tan and slightly tanner tan color scheme. They look expired.
When I did my reviews of expired cereals, many of the old marshmallows looked similar to Honeycomb’s marshmallows. Which, as you may have guessed, is not a compliment.
This is Pokemon cereal from 2000, eaten in the year 2012 – look how much more vibrant and appetizing they look, as compared to these:
So visually, the cereal is not a home run for Honeycomb.
As for the overall taste and eating experience – it’s like eating a bowl of Honeycomb cereal, except once in a while something feels different while chewing and tastes sort of different, but you’re not sure why.
I’m not saying it isn’t a good cereal – it is. It’s just a strange and very unnecessary change, especially given how unappealing the marshmallows look. Speaking again of the marshmallows, that “Twisted Marshmallows” claim on the box is a bit of a sham. I was initially expecting something shaped like a little Twizzlers Pull ‘N’ Peels.
Instead, we get little hexagons with a swirl on it. Twisted marshmallows? More like swirled marshmallows! I feel sorry for Post after that burn.
So the marshmallows are pointless and rather unappealing to look at, but the gigantic Honeycomb pieces crush the marshmallow sadness, and make for a standard enjoyable Honeycomb experience.
While visually the marshmallows aren’t a home run, the overall cereal-eating experience is “a foul ball that goes into the crowd and hits a little kid in the head and he’s bleeding and crying but the team gives him some autographed memorabilia to make him feel better so in the end it’s a pretty good deal for the kid.” Or something like that.
[insert “sure, why not?” seal of approval here]
The Cap’n Crunch lineup of cereals has never reached the highest echelons of cerealdom for me. Even Crunch Berries, by far my favorite offering from the Cap’n, is a secondary choice for me.
But one thing I certainly can’t fault the good Cap’n for is his lack of effort. There seems to be a new “Crunch” cereal maybe twice a year. Some come and go, some stick around longer than you’d think, but the Cap’n likes to spice things up and keep things fresh. Mrs. Crunch must be a very happy lady.
Cap’n’s newest offering, Sprinkled Donut Crunch, prompted a rousing reaction of, “Oh.” when I saw it. I wasn’t sure if it would be good or bad, it just seemed like one of those cereals that would just taste like pure sugar.
As an unabashed fan of purple, I like the box design. It’s a bold color and has a big donut on it. That works.
One thing I’ve noticed with some of the newer Cap’n cereals is that the boxes are gigantic. They’re approaching Honeycombs territory. As long as the cereal is good, I’m fine with that – more sugar for your dollar. But it’s always a bit sad when I have my first bowlful of something mediocre and think, “Good thing I’ve got twelve more bowls of this to go!” That’s when I fill up my dog’s treat basket with cereal.
Opening the box, my fears about the cereal were strengthened – just a pure wall of sugary scent. Pouring the cereal, I was impressed with the Cap’s commitment to the donuts being sprinkled. Oftentimes what you see on the box, when it comes to cereal decoration, doesn’t exactly translate into the actual product. But almost every donut piece had multiple sprinkles, some with their donut holes jam-packed with them.
Taste-wise, I was surprised by how good it was. The flavor is nothing revelatory, or even particularly amazing. I was just impressed that the cereal was quite good, considering I figured it would just taste like circular pieces of corn syrup.
It’s a sugary, slightly vanilla flavor – basically just a sweetened dough flavor. And it works for the cereal. The sweetness level is nowhere near what you might expect – sweet, for sure, but not offensively so.
The resulting milk was also lightly sweetened, unlike the thick sludge you can often get with the regular Cap’n Crunch.
While I don’t see myself buying this too often, I would buy it again. So that’s a compliment, I guess.
[insert seal of approval here]
In the first paragraph of my first article ever for this site, when it somehow looked even worse than it does now, I mentioned Raisin Mini-Wheats.
This was always one of my favorite cereals, which is sort of surprising. When you poll kids for what they love to eat for a snack, “wheat” and “raisins” wouldn’t rank very high. In order to answer “wheat stuffed with raisins”, you’d have to go with the “Other – please specify” category.
And still, when Raisin Mini-Wheats went away, I was depressed. When fruit-stuffed Mini-Wheats made a return a few years back, I was very happy. They didn’t have my beloved Raisin flavor, but what we got would suffice. The fact that they came back “Frosted” was a bit worrisome, but they were so lightly frosted that it didn’t alter the flavor much. But surely Kelloggs figured the only people who wanted non-frosted wheat cereal would be old people and health weirdos. So they went with the “Sugar = $$$” theory.
Seeing the return of Raisin to the fruit-stuffed Mini-Wheats lineup was a glorious day. Unless they completely forgot the recipe, it was almost guaranteed to be awesome.
For some reason, the “Raisin” Mini-Wheat person is female. I don’t want to go down that weird M&M’s “Do they have sex? How?” rabbit hole, so moving on…
There’s not too much to say. This cereal is awesome. Since the frosting is very light, it doesn’t affect the flavor very much, so as far as I can remember the overall flavor is very similar to the original.
Even with the frosting, it’s only very mildly sweet. By default, raisin isn’t usually one of the sweeter flavors, unless they’re coated with sugar like Raisin Bran’s raisins. So there’s a little sweetness, a little… uh, wheat-ness, and a “just enough” raisin flavor.
The one thing with the Touch of Fruit In the Middle line that seems different is, which makes sense given the name, there seems to be less fruit inside than the original line. The ratio seems a little less satisfying than I remember, but it’s still awesome.
[insert recommendation with the strength of a thousand minotaurs here]
Kellogg’s Krave has been one of the new-ish cereals that I liked, and that liking hasn’t really died out. With a lot of new cereals, I’ll really be into the first bowlful or two, then the excitement is gone. I don’t by the box of regular chocolate Krave anymore – I found it a bit blah. But Double Chocolate Krave is still awesome.
The potential to expand the line, either with permanent additional flavors or rotating flavors, is huge. The idea of “cereal pouches stuffed with some random flavor” is limitless. For their first new flavor, they went with S’Mores.
I was hesitant about this, because fake marshmallow usually creeps me out. I don’t like real marshmallows, either, unless they’ve been lit on fire and become encased in black carbon. But that marshmallow stuff they put in Rocky Road ice cream, etc? Blech.
One thing that is immediately clear when looking at the cereal is that they took a little poetic license with how full their cereal pieces are. Biting one in half, you can’t really see anything that’s supposed to be chocolate or marshmallow. The other thing you immediately notice is the incredibly strong graham cracker smell.
Thankfully, the marshmallow flavor isn’t too intense. There’s enough where you know what the flavor is, but it’s more of a background player. The cereal is really the graham cracker show, with guest appearances by chocolate and marshmallow. The overall cereal-eating experience at first seems like it may be a bit too intense to enjoy for long.
But after a few bites, the graham-octity calms down a little bit, and it settles into a nice flavor. I was wondering if I’d even get through a whole box of it, but once you “get” the graham flavor, it’s very good. The graham isn’t really like Golden Grahams, where that’s sugar and honey and a little graham action. S’Mores Krave tastes like little graham crackers pressed into cereal pieces.
Like regular chocolate Krave, the cereal doesn’t want to give up any of its flavor into the milk. You get a very light graham flavor if you are really looking for it, but otherwise its just slightly sugared milk.
I don’t think this is a cereal that could become a staple, but it’ll be a nice plug-in once in a while. Until it’s inevitably discontinued, anyway.
[insert seal of approval here]
Eager to shed their reputation as a boring, healthy cereal, Fruity Pebbles decided to take the next logical step – add candy.
The description of Poppin’ Pebbles makes it sound like Fruity Pebbles mixed with Pop Rocks. This either sounds amazing, or horrifying. Or both, I guess.
The “Fizzes in your mouth” description puts me off, a bit. It immediately reminds me of Lotsa Fizz, that candy you’d get from the ice cream man. It was a strip of five or six hard candies, filled with “fizz”. I’m not sure what the effect was supposed to be – it wasn’t like Pop Rocks, it was almost like a very weak Alka-Seltzer going off in your mouth. It tasted like that, too.
What is immediately noticeable upon opening the box is that the cereal smells terrible. I thought the “poppin'” pieces would be “Burstin’ Berry” flavored, and the cereal would be its normal, Fruity self. Instead, the Pebbles pieces themselves are berry flavored, as well. And it smells awful – like children’s medicine. And not the good, chewable grape or orange baby aspirin, either. Like the medicine they try just hard enough to make appealing to kids, but you still can’t avoid the fact that it’s medicine.
Pouring the milk in, I was disappointed with the silence I was greeted with. Your box brags of all of the “Poppin'” that’s going to be happening, yet your cereal would easily be drowned out by the cacophony of Rice Krispies? Amateur hour.
The cereal doesn’t taste as bad as it smells, but it doesn’t exactly taste that good, either. It’s that awkward middle ground where you think, “I can make it through the rest of the box.” – but you’re not thrilled about it.
As for the “Poppin'” aspect, it’s interesting. It’s not overly distracting, but it’s definitely noticeable. I am not disappointed that “Poppin’ Basic 4” doesn’t exist, but for what it is, it’s a nice novelty. When you bite one of the green “rocks”, you don’t get an immediate burst of Pop Rocks-esque crackling. It’s a delayed release, so when you get a green rock every few bites, it keeps a steady, mild popping throughout.
Poppin’ Pebbles mostly does what it claims, but the weird flavor puts me off getting another box. I’d definitely buy Poppin’ Regular Fruity Pebbles – and that emboldened text would be required on the packaging. But for these Poppin’ Pebbles – buy a box for the novelty, but that will probably be the only one you buy.
[Insert sort-of-seal-of-approval-but-read-the-paragraph-above here]
I’m sure General Mills’ goal was achieved, with my reaction to their new release. When I saw Chocolate Toast Crunch, my immediate reaction was, “Oh.”
I initially really liked Peanut Butter Toast Crunch, but got sick of it pretty quickly, and haven’t bought it since. I’m all for cereal companies trying brand extensions, but for a cereal like Cinnamon Toast Crunch – come on. It’s one of the best cereals ever. Let its greatness stand on its own without sullying its good name with brand dilution, and say “Enough!” to these weak Toast Crunch brethren.
So I bought a box of Chocolate Toast Crunch.
There’s nothing much exciting about it to say, so jumping right to the cereal…
The cereal has a somewhat artificial chocolate flavor – not bad, just not “real”. Like a strange chocolate milk mix.
Chocolate Toast Crunch actually has a pretty solid chocolate flavor. But there’s this one note of flavor that doesn’t sit right. It’s 95% good, then there’s this strange aftertaste that somewhat turns you against what you’ve been eating. Overall, it’s good. But that’s really all I can say about it – I probably wouldn’t get it again, if only because there are so many better options for a chocolate cereal.
And it did nothing to turn the milk into chocolate milk. Ridiculous.
[Insert shrug here]
Diet Coke-Babies 